TexasGirl

I always wonder how it is that I ended up with XAH. I was never around any As growing up. I'm sooooo not a fixer or a let-me-do-that-for-you kind of girl. I read examples of behavior like that in the first pages of Codependent No More, and it just didn't feel like a fit for me. It's bothered me, and I think about it a lot because only if I know how I got there can I prevent it from happening again. I might be figuring something out.

I think it comes down to control.

While there are a million different components that make up any given person, the two characteristics that I can fit most men into are 'in control' and either 'not in control' or somewhat average. When I meet a man who is average or so, things are nice enough, he's probably nice enough, and I can like him. I've met someone like that recently and am capable of liking him. He's just fine.

However, the relationships and situations that seem to be the most intense and with the most feelings on the line are with the controllers. It's not that they're "bad boys" per se, as most are not. They are the ones that swoop into my life and take me on the ride of their choosing. They are also the ones that I know in my head that I should not be talking to, but I can't stop it because, get this, I don't want to disappoint them. So I wait it out until I can't anymore (like XAH) or things just run their course. They make the decisions (simple things like where to eat dinner which eventually leads to more comlex things like with my X). They have all the control, and even though I act like they don't -- I buck the system and profess all day long that I am independent -- I am only "independent" in that setting with them. I need someone to run my life so that I can pretend I'm not letting them....yet I do. And I think the niceness that just oozes from my being is picked up by men who control, some of which who are As. I don't necessarily mean control me...that's partially it, but it's more about them controlling life, and they know that I will always look for the best in them, forgive everything, and always keep a smile.

I didn't have a need to fix XAH. I didn't pick him for his alcoholism. His drinking just got really annoying every night. I think what I needed from him was that he ran us. He would yell, and I would yell right back that he couldn't make me do anything, but afterwards I would.

Is this making sense? Sorry I'm rambling about it, but I needed to try to get these thoughts on "paper," and if any of you can offer any insight, I would like that too.