Hi DNS,,and welcome,,
I'm a "newbie" to this site and came to it much the same way you have. Confused and needing support as I did not know my bf was an A either when I began the relationship.
Currently, I am "in the day" with trying to break things off.
I used to go to his therapy sessions with him and he used to tell his therapist that he "loved" me and that would keep him on his program. his therapist, who I respected and admired, told him "Whats LOVE got to do with it!!!!" These days, those words ring truer than I ever imagined. Love will not stop the disease. Only the A can do that. Yours, much like mine, clearly has no intention on doing that.
In my case, it progressed to not only he wanting me to "accept" him as he is, but he giving me Ulitmatiums regarding MY life. My best friend of over 20 years is male, my A demanded I stop "seeing" him. Insecurity and jealousy being the only reason. The proverbial "straw" for me, asI began to see how much I had ALREADY changed my life to "support (enable?) him.
Listen to the wise souls on this site. And if you haven't checked it out, I HIGHLY recomment Al anon. Besides the "fellowship" education is key,,
Peace