my story - thoughts?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
my story - thoughts?
Hi I am new to this site and I just wanted ya'all opinions on my story.
I have been dating a functional alcoholic (at least one bottle every night) and lots of pot daily as well as other substances. We saw each other once a week for 3 years and at work. Didn't really suspect he had a big problem. We were planning to get married. He thought he had a problem and went to some individual therapy. We bought a house together and he planned no ETOH in the house.
Within 3 months of living together, he wanted to hang out with his friends (24 yo pot buddy) and less time with me. Even hung out at friends house when he was just going to drop off beer for hrs when we had just argued about him not spending time with me. During this time he also email flirted with 1 women and before we moved in together would call an old f*ck buddy and a work colleague who had a crush on him. Calls were usually when he was drinking but not always (I am most devastated by this). I found the emails, left (he seemed a little ambivalent about really aggressively trying to get me back, spent more time w/ pot buddy friend and eventually we both agreed it was better to just end it-all within 1 month). He was definately high but seemed so cold and indifferent.
He now proclaims that this is his lifestyle and wants to be with someone who can accept him for who he is and be a "friend"
He moved in one floor under the pot buddy. I am so hurt and unhappy. He is very functional - works in a hospital and I wonder if he is right - maybe we were just not right for each other. I am not sure how much is addiction and how much is personal. It is all very confusing. Any advice or thoughts will be very appreciated.
I have been dating a functional alcoholic (at least one bottle every night) and lots of pot daily as well as other substances. We saw each other once a week for 3 years and at work. Didn't really suspect he had a big problem. We were planning to get married. He thought he had a problem and went to some individual therapy. We bought a house together and he planned no ETOH in the house.
Within 3 months of living together, he wanted to hang out with his friends (24 yo pot buddy) and less time with me. Even hung out at friends house when he was just going to drop off beer for hrs when we had just argued about him not spending time with me. During this time he also email flirted with 1 women and before we moved in together would call an old f*ck buddy and a work colleague who had a crush on him. Calls were usually when he was drinking but not always (I am most devastated by this). I found the emails, left (he seemed a little ambivalent about really aggressively trying to get me back, spent more time w/ pot buddy friend and eventually we both agreed it was better to just end it-all within 1 month). He was definately high but seemed so cold and indifferent.
He now proclaims that this is his lifestyle and wants to be with someone who can accept him for who he is and be a "friend"
He moved in one floor under the pot buddy. I am so hurt and unhappy. He is very functional - works in a hospital and I wonder if he is right - maybe we were just not right for each other. I am not sure how much is addiction and how much is personal. It is all very confusing. Any advice or thoughts will be very appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Can you can accept him as he is, right now? That's what he says he wants. He's entitled to what he wants, as are you. If it can't be together, it will have to be apart. It took me a long time to understand that.
((()))
((()))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Dear GNS, I'm not planning to be politically correct when I say this--forget this ass___. From what you shared, it is clear that this man already showed you his true colors. He loves his alcohol, he loves his drugs, his user buddies come before you, AND he is already "flirting" with women. He could care less about your feelings and trust me, he will hurt you much more in the future. I hope you don't sit and sulk over this one. Personally, I think it is a wonderful thing that you saw him for what he is before tying the knot. Please don't take offense to my honesty.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Honestly, let him go. You're not married to him. You don't want this life. I have been married to my AH for almost 7 years and if I knew then what I know now, I would NEVER have married him. Loving an addict is not enough to make them want to live a clean, sober life. And it doesn't sound like that's what he wants right now. I would not wish what I have gone through with my husband on my worst enemy. I'm sure most others on this site feel the same way.
I don't mean to come across harsh or abrupt, but I wish someone had given me some advice along these lines before I got married. My choice would probably been very different and possibly saved myself alot of pain and misery.
I don't mean to come across harsh or abrupt, but I wish someone had given me some advice along these lines before I got married. My choice would probably been very different and possibly saved myself alot of pain and misery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, gns. I hope we can offer some help. I tend to cut to the chase, so let me begin by saying that you weren't educated at the time you became involved with a "functional" addict. Please read the stickies at the top of our forum. They offer a great wealth of information on what you have been dealing with.
You asked for opinions, so I'll give you mine based on my own personal experience, having been married to TWO alcoholics (we call them A's here). First, there is nothing "functional" about somebody who drinks at least a bottle of alcohol everynight in addition to "lots of pot" and other substances.
As you have discovered, this person "functions" by interacting with other addicts and tosses you a bone of companionship when he so desires. It is obvious from your post that you are not numero uno on his list of priorities. Granted, he may show up for work everyday, but as far as job performance goes, I doubt it is all that "functional."
He is now proclaiming that this is his "lifestyle." Yes, it is. And it was when you met him. It has been all along. It will continue to be that way as long as he wants it that way. See, addicts figure other people into the equation of their lives by their functionality. Can this guy hang out with me and get trashed? Can this woman let me come and go with hassling me? Can I talk this gal into jumping in bed with me? Can I manipulate whoever I need to manipulate to get my own selfish needs met?
THAT is their type of functionality and it gets worse and it progresses and it destroys everyone in its path. How much is addiction and how much is personal? Well, with regard to the relationship he had with you, it wasn't particularly personal for him, given the fact that he moved closer to his pot buddy and left you in the lurch.
You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the mind of an addict. He's zoned out, enjoying life, living it on his terms. As I have said before, a tiger is a tiger is a tiger. Don't expect it to morph into a zebra. He's doing what addicts do. Your trying to figure out irrational, immature, illogical behaviors will make you nuts. Keeping your focus on him will also end up in frustration.
You have to figure out what you were doing with someone who treats you like this. It doesn't sound as if he was particularly nice to you. He certainly didn't care whether or not his behavior hurt you. I would suggest you give Al-Anon a try, read some of the posts here that pique your interest, and perhaps you might want to consider some counseling. See, he has a problem; but it's HIS problem to own. You can't do anything for him until he's ready to do something for him. It sounds as if he's made a decision to remain an addict. Now it's your turn to quit trying to figure him out and place the focus on yourself.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, but we've all lived with the insanity of addiction here and it generally doesn't end happily-ever-after. However, you can live happily-ever-after, not only with yourself, but with a man who will treat you with respect and kindness.
You asked for opinions, so I'll give you mine based on my own personal experience, having been married to TWO alcoholics (we call them A's here). First, there is nothing "functional" about somebody who drinks at least a bottle of alcohol everynight in addition to "lots of pot" and other substances.
As you have discovered, this person "functions" by interacting with other addicts and tosses you a bone of companionship when he so desires. It is obvious from your post that you are not numero uno on his list of priorities. Granted, he may show up for work everyday, but as far as job performance goes, I doubt it is all that "functional."
He is now proclaiming that this is his "lifestyle." Yes, it is. And it was when you met him. It has been all along. It will continue to be that way as long as he wants it that way. See, addicts figure other people into the equation of their lives by their functionality. Can this guy hang out with me and get trashed? Can this woman let me come and go with hassling me? Can I talk this gal into jumping in bed with me? Can I manipulate whoever I need to manipulate to get my own selfish needs met?
THAT is their type of functionality and it gets worse and it progresses and it destroys everyone in its path. How much is addiction and how much is personal? Well, with regard to the relationship he had with you, it wasn't particularly personal for him, given the fact that he moved closer to his pot buddy and left you in the lurch.
You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the mind of an addict. He's zoned out, enjoying life, living it on his terms. As I have said before, a tiger is a tiger is a tiger. Don't expect it to morph into a zebra. He's doing what addicts do. Your trying to figure out irrational, immature, illogical behaviors will make you nuts. Keeping your focus on him will also end up in frustration.
You have to figure out what you were doing with someone who treats you like this. It doesn't sound as if he was particularly nice to you. He certainly didn't care whether or not his behavior hurt you. I would suggest you give Al-Anon a try, read some of the posts here that pique your interest, and perhaps you might want to consider some counseling. See, he has a problem; but it's HIS problem to own. You can't do anything for him until he's ready to do something for him. It sounds as if he's made a decision to remain an addict. Now it's your turn to quit trying to figure him out and place the focus on yourself.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, but we've all lived with the insanity of addiction here and it generally doesn't end happily-ever-after. However, you can live happily-ever-after, not only with yourself, but with a man who will treat you with respect and kindness.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi;glad you are here and hope you stick around!
Your story sounds fairly similar to mine except that my exAH's addiction was channeled to work for awhile and didn't take off like this until a few years ago; after we had been married over 25 yrs,two kids (both in college),he owned his own business and I hadn't had a paying job since our kids were born,yada,yada... He divorced me citing pretty much the same "reasons"... I know the emotions that go with this, and I am sorry you are feeling this way.
This place is a lot of help for me to start to re-focus my sights back to my life and what I am going to do about it. Alanon,reading, etc are also so much help.
I look forward to getting to know you!
Your story sounds fairly similar to mine except that my exAH's addiction was channeled to work for awhile and didn't take off like this until a few years ago; after we had been married over 25 yrs,two kids (both in college),he owned his own business and I hadn't had a paying job since our kids were born,yada,yada... He divorced me citing pretty much the same "reasons"... I know the emotions that go with this, and I am sorry you are feeling this way.
This place is a lot of help for me to start to re-focus my sights back to my life and what I am going to do about it. Alanon,reading, etc are also so much help.
I look forward to getting to know you!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by WhatAboutME 
Honestly, let him go. You're not married to him. You don't want this life. I have been married to my AH for almost 7 years and if I knew then what I know now, I would NEVER have married him. Loving an addict is not enough to make them want to live a clean, sober life. And it doesn't sound like that's what he wants right now. I would not wish what I have gone through with my husband on my worst enemy. I'm sure most others on this site feel the same way.
I don't mean to come across harsh or abrupt, but I wish someone had given me some advice along these lines before I got married. My choice would probably been very different and possibly saved myself alot of pain and misery.
I don't mean to come across harsh or abrupt, but I wish someone had given me some advice along these lines before I got married. My choice would probably been very different and possibly saved myself alot of pain and misery.
Welcome to SR GNS! As someone who is in recovery in the early stages for the SECOND time but sticking to it this time! WhatAboutMe is giving some great advice! I was not married to my XAB (the second one I might add too) but, I was married once to the greatest man (Non-A) that ever lived! He is what I want again in my life-which took a long time to realize this-
I agree with WhatAboutMe in the fact that she "does not wish what she went through with her husband on her worst enemy" as an "other" I do agree.
I contributed to my XAB behavior but when I did not and when he was sober, things did not change too much-because the fact remained he was an A and did not want to continue getting help that he already started-because "he was not as bad as them" PUH LEASE! I continued with helping myself and do to this day-it is hard at times as I still deal with his stalking me (but being taken care of) I want to be healthy and when someone that is with me does not well.....that becomes their problem before I allow it to consume me and have it mine every again!
Honey not to sound harsh as well-but you are not married to him RUN RUN like the wind! You have choices decide what is best for you and absorb what others with more recovery in here have to say-then make the choice that is best for you!
((((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Hi DNS,,and welcome,,
I'm a "newbie" to this site and came to it much the same way you have. Confused and needing support as I did not know my bf was an A either when I began the relationship.
Currently, I am "in the day" with trying to break things off.
I used to go to his therapy sessions with him and he used to tell his therapist that he "loved" me and that would keep him on his program. his therapist, who I respected and admired, told him "Whats LOVE got to do with it!!!!" These days, those words ring truer than I ever imagined. Love will not stop the disease. Only the A can do that. Yours, much like mine, clearly has no intention on doing that.
In my case, it progressed to not only he wanting me to "accept" him as he is, but he giving me Ulitmatiums regarding MY life. My best friend of over 20 years is male, my A demanded I stop "seeing" him. Insecurity and jealousy being the only reason. The proverbial "straw" for me, asI began to see how much I had ALREADY changed my life to "support (enable?) him.
Listen to the wise souls on this site. And if you haven't checked it out, I HIGHLY recomment Al anon. Besides the "fellowship" education is key,,
Peace
I'm a "newbie" to this site and came to it much the same way you have. Confused and needing support as I did not know my bf was an A either when I began the relationship.
Currently, I am "in the day" with trying to break things off.
I used to go to his therapy sessions with him and he used to tell his therapist that he "loved" me and that would keep him on his program. his therapist, who I respected and admired, told him "Whats LOVE got to do with it!!!!" These days, those words ring truer than I ever imagined. Love will not stop the disease. Only the A can do that. Yours, much like mine, clearly has no intention on doing that.
In my case, it progressed to not only he wanting me to "accept" him as he is, but he giving me Ulitmatiums regarding MY life. My best friend of over 20 years is male, my A demanded I stop "seeing" him. Insecurity and jealousy being the only reason. The proverbial "straw" for me, asI began to see how much I had ALREADY changed my life to "support (enable?) him.
Listen to the wise souls on this site. And if you haven't checked it out, I HIGHLY recomment Al anon. Besides the "fellowship" education is key,,
Peace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
You are a lucky girl! The stars shine upon you!!! The bum is out of your life and you did not marry him!
This may sound harsh, and I am being a "little tongue in cheek." But that is why we date and why you should have long engagements! You found out who he is before marriage and children. Be happy!
Now get out there and have some fun. You have a lot of life ahead of you and you will find someone who will love and respect you!
Life with an addict is misery..........and your XBF is going tp have a rocky row to hoe!
This may sound harsh, and I am being a "little tongue in cheek." But that is why we date and why you should have long engagements! You found out who he is before marriage and children. Be happy!
Now get out there and have some fun. You have a lot of life ahead of you and you will find someone who will love and respect you!
Life with an addict is misery..........and your XBF is going tp have a rocky row to hoe!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I'm wondering what your idea of "functional" is. In my opinion, a man who is ambivilent about his relationship with you, spends more time with his drinking buddies than you, is addicted to alcohol, abuses pot and other substances, flirts with and e-mails other women, keeps in touch with old "F**k" buddies, or even has a "F**uck" buddy in the first place is NOT functional. I'm hoping in time, with the help of this website and perhaps Alanon and counseling, that you will see that he not only isn't right for you, but in his current condition, he isn't right for ANYBODY!
What do you think?
I'd really question why you were attracted to him in the first place.
What do you think?
I'd really question why you were attracted to him in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Oh yes, Welcome to SR! I just want to add that I think we can all say that the man/woman we met, fell in love with and married is just not the same person as their alcoholism progresses. They're just not there anymore. It's just so sad.
My husband, when he was sober, was the most caring, loving, and giving man I had ever met. He was smart, intelligent, driven and extremely motivated. Before he was 30 years old, he was recognized as one of the top salesman in his industry in the entire nation and was making in the high six figures. That was just over 3 years ago. Today, and I mean literally today, I picked him up to give him a ride to inpatient rehab - his 5th time, and the 3rd time in the past 90 days alone. He had been sleeping outside in the woods for the past several days while on one of his usual binges. He was covered in mosquito bites, scratches and poison ivy. He didn't even know the day. He can barely string together thoughts anymore. He forgets things from minute to minute and has frequent hallucinations. Even if he ever gets sober, it is unlikely that he will ever function in the same capacity as he once did. The damage is done.
Relationships and marriage are hard enough, but add alcoholism to the picture, and it's just impossible. If you decide to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic and ultimately get married, go into it with your eyes WIDE open. Research the disease, the progression and the reality of relapse. Read people's stories - the good and bad. Make an educated decision. I wish I had understood the reality of alcoholism before getting married. I wish I had taken the time to educate myself instead of just assume that things would get better after we got married or that I could somehow make him better. Don't fool yourself into thinking that things could never get "that" bad with him or that you wouldn't allow yourself to stay in such an unhealthy relationship if things did get that bad. Before you know it, 10 years have gone by.
My husband, when he was sober, was the most caring, loving, and giving man I had ever met. He was smart, intelligent, driven and extremely motivated. Before he was 30 years old, he was recognized as one of the top salesman in his industry in the entire nation and was making in the high six figures. That was just over 3 years ago. Today, and I mean literally today, I picked him up to give him a ride to inpatient rehab - his 5th time, and the 3rd time in the past 90 days alone. He had been sleeping outside in the woods for the past several days while on one of his usual binges. He was covered in mosquito bites, scratches and poison ivy. He didn't even know the day. He can barely string together thoughts anymore. He forgets things from minute to minute and has frequent hallucinations. Even if he ever gets sober, it is unlikely that he will ever function in the same capacity as he once did. The damage is done.
Relationships and marriage are hard enough, but add alcoholism to the picture, and it's just impossible. If you decide to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic and ultimately get married, go into it with your eyes WIDE open. Research the disease, the progression and the reality of relapse. Read people's stories - the good and bad. Make an educated decision. I wish I had understood the reality of alcoholism before getting married. I wish I had taken the time to educate myself instead of just assume that things would get better after we got married or that I could somehow make him better. Don't fool yourself into thinking that things could never get "that" bad with him or that you wouldn't allow yourself to stay in such an unhealthy relationship if things did get that bad. Before you know it, 10 years have gone by.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Ditto to what about me just said.....and then before you know what happened 20 plus years are here and gone and we are left a shell of the person we were before being married and discarded by our alcoholic spouses. And if you don't think he is capable of it?? Believe us when we say he is very capable of that and oh so much more. The lost money, time, trust and love. You will always be second to booze or beer and maybe more like in my case. He really did do you a favor and remember the 3 c's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Keep those little feet of yours moving away from his chaos and crisis. And don't look back either.
I remember a conversation I had with my ex-father in law...he too by the way is an alcoholic...a dry drunk as he never went to AA and still has his stinkin thinkin hat on..and he was berading me and the kids for causing my XAH behavior drunk or not..I told him this: "How dare you raise a lunatic and turn him loose on society"..and ya know what hun? I meant it.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Keep those little feet of yours moving away from his chaos and crisis. And don't look back either.
I remember a conversation I had with my ex-father in law...he too by the way is an alcoholic...a dry drunk as he never went to AA and still has his stinkin thinkin hat on..and he was berading me and the kids for causing my XAH behavior drunk or not..I told him this: "How dare you raise a lunatic and turn him loose on society"..and ya know what hun? I meant it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
thank you
Thank you all for your adviceand support. It is very helpful to see hear your stories - at this cross-roads it is really helpfu to see what the future holds.It is very easy atthis point to say "but I love him" and want to stick by him no matterwhat. It is nice to see reality without the rose-colored glasses and romanticism.
It also hard to accept that it IS his choice and his right to choose when it seems/feels so WRONG to me. I can't believe he would make this choice.
It also hard to accept that it IS his choice and his right to choose when it seems/feels so WRONG to me. I can't believe he would make this choice.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
