Drained -
We haven't met but when I read your post I could really understand all that you are saying. I have said all of those same words myself. The main sentence that you said that reasonated with me was the last one in your original post "i dont want any drugs in our lives!!!"
Once I realized that I really meant that sentence then things began to change for me. I began to change that thought to "I won't have any drugs in my life". The wanting it was over for me. It was time for the having. What had to change in the mixture was me. My RAH wasn't going to stop what he was doing - it was working for him on some crazy level. He was very very very sick (20 year history of crack) and just was unable to think straight - even when he wasn't high. His drug use was just a symptom - as they say - of the soul sickness that he had developed. He used for all of those same reasons as your husband. I set the bottom line of "no drugs or alcohol" but I also knew that I was possibly chosing life without my active addict. Oh well. I realized that I was sinking with the ship and I was going to drown if I didn't jump off. It meant a lot of learning to stand on my own two feet but it was clear in my words, tones, attitude that I meant what I said when I said "I love you, but I will no longer live in a home or a relationship where there is any alterring substance ingested at any time and these are the consequences". It took some work to get to that point but I finally began to value myself enough to realize that I was entitled to that. It took the auspices of change off of him and put it onto me. I felt so empowered when I was able to finally say that and MEAN it. Life became a whole lot less easy and comfortable for my addict. Luckily, he had hit enough bottoms that he saw the writing on the wall. He made the choice to get into recovery. He now has 22 months w/o any substance abuse of any kind. He didn't recover for me - he recovered because his life wasn't going to work for him anymore if he kept using. We split up 15 years ago over this same thing before he returned for the 2nd go-round. The first time I said "no drugs in a relationship with me" he chose to continue the drug use. He just wasn't done. When he showed back up he lied his way back into my heart. Once I wised up I was fully involved with him and interwined.
This forum really has helped me to grow - as have face to face meetings. I'm glad that you are posting. The more I focused on me and my actions the better it all came together for me. I can't change anyone else but myself.....dang it!!!!!!!!!
Always a codie at heart! Love, Donna