Rella,
Maybe I'm not reading your posts correctly, and I may be totally out of line and wrong (and if so, I apologize in advance) but please try not to be so hard on your mom. My daughter was married to an A who put her thru h*ll and back (she also has two kids with him) for three years. He'd come home every night and start some kind of drama. When she finally got an order of protection and got him out, he stole her car, robbed her house, stalk her, etc. She'd call me with this crisis or that crisis, I'd advise her, she'd "yes" me then do what she wanted to do, which most times was not what I would suggest (probably "tell") her to do because of she had her own reasons, which made no sense to me. And your mothers words "you're not following up on this, I'm out of it" were words I have used to many times, but you know what, as mothers we love our daughters and don't want to see them hurt. We try to fix and yes, we sometimes try to control, to make it all better, so that "we" don't also always have to deal with the drama in our daughter's life. Do you know that it's like to have a grown child get you involved in so many issues - just as you are going thru all of this, your mother loves you and she is affected by it also. I have told my daughter so many times, "If you don't listen to me, don't call me to pick up the peices for you" which then she doesn't listen and yes, then comes the phone call to pick up the peices "ma, what should I do?" in crisis mode. It does get very stressful and tiring to a mother, so please know that she does love you, that she's just trying to fix things (which she really shouldn't, she should let you fix them) and if you really don't want her to tell you what to do or control you, try not to tell her so much and depend on her so much. I never went to my mother with problems. I would just figure things out on my own.
As for your A's mother - I personally would not bail out my son. My son actually had a DUI when he was just 20, spent the night in jail (I didn't bail him out), lost his license for a year, his car was seized, and HE had to pay for his attorney, alcohol counseling classes, etc. all on his own. Not to mention, his insurance was sky high for three years afterward. He still says till this day (and he's 28 now) that that was the most expensive trip to the bar he ever took. That mother is in total denial!
Hope you have a better day and more to come.