I think the "awfulizing" is diminishing. Today the night seems a little bit further away, and I keep trying to rationalize what I did. Like thinking, "Oh, they weren't ever my actual kids; they were just at the school the same time I was." Which is so bogus. My image in that town is totally ruined. The town is so small, and the kids will talk. Maybe it will never get to the principal or the faculty, but it will certainly get around to other kids I taught, and their viewpoint of me will be completely different.
I am standing firm with my decision to quit drinking. I don't want to live my life in fear of what I'll do if I get too drunk. I want to be a good wife and mother, and alcohhol will only get in the way of that. I don't want to be too hungover to take care of my kids. I don't to make scenes anymore. I want to feel good about myself and actually have control. So long I've been using alcohol to "lose control," to "blow off steam" when grad school, teaching, wedding planning, etc. etc. etc. get too frustrating. I've been drinking out of boredom, loneliness, and laziness. No more. No more. No more.
How do I tell my fiance and family that I want to quit, though, when they've heard it so many times before? They won't believe me. I go in phases. This time needs to be for good, though.
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I wish I could go back and apologize to those kids for letting them see me like that.