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i am bad

Old 04-21-2007, 05:30 PM
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i am bad

It's finally time for the drinking to stop.

A recap of last night: I went out to the bars with a couple of friends. Drank numerous beers along with a couple of shots. Got tremendously wasted. Somehow, I started talking to two guys (who I'm pretty sure were of age since they were in the bar and were in HS 4 years ago) who used to be students at the HS where I used to teach. I had a completely inappropriate conversation with them, including swearing, gossiping about another teacher, and admitting that I thought one of their classmates was cute (not that I ever would have acted). I shudder to think about the things I said. Thankfully, I no longer teach there, so when they tell their friends about how they drank with me, it won't be as bad. I am scared the principal will find out, though, because he is one of my references (he wrote me an awesome letter of recommendation). Oh, I also ended up going to a frat house with these guys and ended up leaving without saying a word when it hit me how ridiculous the whole situation was. Then I got lost and peed in a parking lot. Horrible. Horrible. I feel like the worst teacher and human being in the world today.

There have been plenty of other times when I drank to excess and made a fool out of myself. I am 27 years old and have been binge drinking at least once a week since I was 20. I don't know if this makes me an alcoholic or not, but I want to stop before I have children or something really bad happens.

I have a very supportive fiance (although he's heard the "quitting speech" before) and family. My mother has said that she thinks I shouldn't drink because I do it to excess, make bad choices, and then feel bad about myself.

So, here I am. I am looking forward to hearing some of your stories and hoping for support.
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Old 04-21-2007, 05:34 PM
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Welcome nolongerdrunk, I am glad you are here!!! You will find a lot of support in the posts, please read and post often!!

Cathy
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Old 04-21-2007, 05:48 PM
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i just wanted to comment on the title you chose for this thread.
YOU are not bad, ALCOHOLISM is bad, and it causes us to sometimes do bad things
You are good, and are going to get better
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Old 04-21-2007, 05:55 PM
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Welcome nolongerdrunk . What mikiglen said is true... you're not bad it's the alcohol. You'll find a lot of stories already here... just start reading... and posting. Lots of support and info to get you on the road to quitting.
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Old 04-21-2007, 06:02 PM
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Hum welcome to SR and we are glad that you are here. No one here can say that you are a alcoholic or not. That is not our place. The admission must come from within yourself that is the first step of recovery.

Most of us didn't just drive down the street and had a thought "HUM I might be a alcoholic" I don't think that "Normal" people even think if they are or not. So I know that when I was driving down that street I got to NA/AA I wasn't thrilled to be there. I didn't get here on my best day.

I went to meetings and they suggested that I do 90 meetings in 90 days, I was willing to do anything this last time. They suggested that I get a Sponsor, to read the literature, to work the steps! I said to myself "What a order, I can't go through with it!" However I have been able to get through it for almost the last 11 months.

There they told me that no we are not bad people, we are sick people! WOW, now these people are telling me that I am sick! WTF is that all about. And you know what they were right, I wasn't any different than those people and today I am glad that I am proud to be one of those people for now I have found one of my purposes in life. One of them is to let you know that Just For Today YOU never have to use again. Might be hard to understand now but I will garantee you that NA has one promise and that is freedom from active addiction. I am living proof as many here that this Promise is true.

Please don't beat yourself up and before I close if no one has told you that they Love you today, please allow me to be the first I LOVE YOU

With Love and Respect

Vic
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Old 04-21-2007, 06:07 PM
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Thank you, everyone.

Thank you especially to you, Chance, for giving me love and respect. I don't respect myself very much right now. I try to be a good teacher, and I can't believe I let kids see such an ugly side of me. I am feeling very bad right now.
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Old 04-21-2007, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by nolongerdrunk View Post
It's finally time for the drinking to stop.

Horrible. Horrible. I feel like the worst teacher and human being in the world today
understandable...been there...but you're not. OK, I don't know you, but I'm willing to bet that you're a wonderful human being with a family who loves
you, loads of great friends, and lots of great qualities..who just happens to have a problem with alcohol. Don't do what I did for years and turn this into a catastrophe - take a deep breath, look at the problem and decide what you need to do about it.

There have been plenty of other times when I drank to excess and made a fool out of myself. I am 27 years old and have been binge drinking at least once a week since I was 20. I don't know if this makes me an alcoholic or not, but I want to stop before I have children or something really bad happens
sounds pretty similar to me...except that I didn't stop, even those the embarrasments piled up...I kept on binging until I got to the point I was drinking most nights (heck, most days too) and I'm just really trying seriously to stop now when I'm nearly 40.

I'm not trying to scare you - my case is mine and yours is yours - but most folks I talk to seem to suggest that things often get worse with time, not better.

This is a great place to hang out for advice - read around !
welcome !
D
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Old 04-21-2007, 06:42 PM
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Give yourself some credit my dear. You're here, you want to make changes in your life, and you're being honest. I think that is a very positive start. I'm sure feeling ashamed & guilt has brought a lot of people to this site but it can also be counter-productive in moving on I have found. Hope you're having a good weekend and welcome!
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Old 04-21-2007, 06:57 PM
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YOU ARE NOT BAD! NOR AM I

My name is Vic and I am an addict! Very grateful for the Program of NA which has shown me through working the steps that I am not bad but I sure am sick

You were talking about making a fool out of yourself, been there and done that and guess what even clean I have been known to make a fool out of myself also. NONE of us are bad or good! We just are. I think that most of us have checkered past. Am I less of a person because I was ashamed of having sex with my 18 year old secretary when I was 40? Well I was for many years! I never thought that I would do something like that. But actually I was so wrapped up into my addiction that I did things like that. But yet it is those things that got me to seek help, which you are doing also.

My natural instincts are to be a lier, cheat, and a thief. I don't know how to live life and never did although I though that I did. When I got to the rooms of NA and tried to look for the similarities instead of the differences I found out that I wasn't that different than the other people and guess what? Neither are you. I can almost guarantee you that I have done if not all or more of the things that You think is bad. Yes I was always ashamed, but I knew that my self-centerdness kept me from seeking help for many years.

My sponsor used to tell me that I was the corpse at every funeral and the bride at every wedding! I thought that is a bunch of ********, I am not that person however after working the steps I have come to realize that everything did have to be my way or the highway and I do like to think that I am the most important person and in all reality I might be. Why do I say that? Because if I am not the most important person on my list I can not help anyone else. Sure right now you are the most important person here.

I am glad that you are here. It is OK to feel bad! I wish that I could have felt bad before but I covered up my feelings for so so long that I didn't know what I was feeling or know when I was feeling them. The first feeling that I learned about was anger UGHHHH. Anyways again I will tell you that you are not bad.

With Love and Respect

Vic

Glad for spell check
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Old 04-21-2007, 06:59 PM
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Again, thanks for the support.

Wander - what do you teach? I teach HS English. I am going for my MA in English Lit and was going out in the college town where I'm taking classes. Now that I've got past kids that are of age, it's weird to encounter them at the bars. I am very controlled and responsible in the classroom, but alcohol completely obliterates my inhibitions. I was talking to these 2 guys like they were my friends, and although I am friendly with my students, I never cross the line at school. I think you are right, that it is unlikely that my old principal would find out. I hope he doesn't because I have so much respect for him and don't want him to think poorly of me. I've been worrying all day, and thinking the worst case scenario would be that one of the kids would mention the drinking to their parents, and if really overbearing, they might call the principal or even try to find out where I'm teaching now to get me fired. I know this is a long shot, though.

At least something good will come out of this; I will make it come. It's rather daunting to think about never drinking again (especially with my bach. party and wedding coming up this summer), but I do have very supportive friends and family, and it's time.
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Old 04-21-2007, 07:21 PM
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NLD... so happy your looking into a problem...

and yes, there is a soulution...

vic said it best, as his thoughts on recovery are very similar to mine...

we can now, with help... take all the liabilities from are life, and turn them ito assets...

all good wishes NLD...

welcome to the family...

xxoo, bless... rz
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Old 04-21-2007, 07:52 PM
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Hi nolongerdrunk,
I know those guilties very well you are experiencing. I know the moment of horror you felt when you woke up thinking of partying with your students. I'm a high school teacher to and though it took me a tad longer to get it I see myself in you at that age. I hope that you won't wait as long as I did and find that the longer you continue to drink the more mornings like you had are to be experienced. It's not worth doing that to ourselves any longer. You never ever have to feel that bad again. People find their way to whatever resource they can when they know they're in trouble when they know something is amiss in their lives when they know the way we drink isn't normal. There is nothing to fear when taking that step, when making that committment and when deciding you never have to drink again if you so choose. We're the odd balls that drink the way we do, do the things we do when drunk and feel the way we feel when we wake up. You're right, you no longer have to be drunk and you'll find there is a great deal of support out there in learning how to do it and finally doing it. Now quit beating yourself up we have a tendency to awfulize to excess as well and the kids may talk but it's unlikely they have any further connections at school that could lead to anyone ever finding out. So you learned and will continue to learn and I hope you learn that it's okay to just toss in the towel and no longer let alcohol be a part of how you socialize. It's okay, there is always a horror story worse then yours and we simply can learn and begin to make better choices and be okay in being sober. Best of luck to you. You'll be okay. *hugs*
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Old 04-21-2007, 08:25 PM
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nolonger drunk......

everyone here has said it all.....you are in a great place for support and understanding and i hope you stick around......good luck to you.....
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Old 04-22-2007, 05:58 AM
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I think the "awfulizing" is diminishing. Today the night seems a little bit further away, and I keep trying to rationalize what I did. Like thinking, "Oh, they weren't ever my actual kids; they were just at the school the same time I was." Which is so bogus. My image in that town is totally ruined. The town is so small, and the kids will talk. Maybe it will never get to the principal or the faculty, but it will certainly get around to other kids I taught, and their viewpoint of me will be completely different.

I am standing firm with my decision to quit drinking. I don't want to live my life in fear of what I'll do if I get too drunk. I want to be a good wife and mother, and alcohhol will only get in the way of that. I don't want to be too hungover to take care of my kids. I don't to make scenes anymore. I want to feel good about myself and actually have control. So long I've been using alcohol to "lose control," to "blow off steam" when grad school, teaching, wedding planning, etc. etc. etc. get too frustrating. I've been drinking out of boredom, loneliness, and laziness. No more. No more. No more.

How do I tell my fiance and family that I want to quit, though, when they've heard it so many times before? They won't believe me. I go in phases. This time needs to be for good, though.

---
I wish I could go back and apologize to those kids for letting them see me like that.
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by nolongerdrunk View Post
How do I tell my fiance and family that I want to quit, though, when they've heard it so many times before? They won't believe me. I go in phases. This time needs to be for good, though.
As I said in my post, I couldn't tell my parents today... and I think I realised thats because I don't actually want to get sober for them (well I do...) but its for me first and foremost. Obviously those people will need to know and be supportive of us, but maybe they will realise the extent after we have worked on us a bit... I'm afraid of what my best mate will say because he drinks just as much on binges and we encourage each other to get really do drunk and do shots etc.
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:39 AM
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Hi,

You asked how you could tell your fiance and family that you want to quit (in light of the fact that you'd told them this before).
When I quit 'for good', I wanted to shout from the rooftops 'I'm sober!' but people close to me wouldn't and/or didn't believe me. So, I let my decision show in my actions. I made a promise to myself that I was going to change my way of living - and I did. After a bit of time, I was able to talk to a couple of friends and share what had happened - they had already seen the change.

That being said, with a bach. party and wedding coming up, you need to make sure you've got people on board who you can be accountable to and who will support you in your decision. You mentioned both your mom and fiance being affected by your drinking - why not tell them? They may or may not believe that this is really 'it', but if it really is, that will soon become apparent as you begin making different choices in social situations.

Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense. I just identified so strongly with your initial post - being inappropriate with guys, taking a whiz in the parking lot (oh my) etc etc and the horrors of the next and subsequent days. The good news? You don't have to go through this again.

I'm glad you're here.

Rowan
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
You asked how you could tell your fiance and family that you want to quit (in light of the fact that you'd told them this before).
When I quit 'for good', I wanted to shout from the rooftops 'I'm sober!' but people close to me wouldn't and/or didn't believe me. So, I let my decision show in my actions. I made a promise to myself that I was going to change my way of living - and I did. After a bit of time, I was able to talk to a couple of friends and share what had happened - they had already seen the change.
Lol, thats what I was trying to say, but you said it in a way that makes MUCH more sense!
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Old 04-22-2007, 07:06 AM
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Thanks, Woomby and Rowan. I like the idea of just showing my change through my behavior. I already said jokingly to fiance yesterday, "I'm never drinking again!" So he already knows I feel bad about last night. I think he will be supportive of me quitting. I tried to quit once already this year (after scaring him badly on NYE) and made it about 3 weeks. After that, I thought I could just drink in moderation and slowly slipped back into old habits.

I should be excited to be sober at the wedding. I will remember everything better and won't have to be scared of embarassing myself in front of all my friends and family (unlike a girl we know who threw up on her wedding dress at the reception). The bach. party will be more difficult. Perhaps we can do a spa thing. That would be good, since my maid of honor (my sister) is only 18 and wouldn't have been able to come out if we went bar-hopping; another one of my bridesmaids is pregnant; and two of them don't like to drink much at all. The only person I can see being disappointed is my friend that I was actually out with Friday night. We are kind of beer buddies. She's gone through phases of wanting to quit drinking, though, too, so she should understand.

Another upside is that it should be easier for me to lose weight for the wedding. I don't think I want to go on a hard core diet in addition to quitting drinking, but I want to eat more healthfully and exercise a lot more. I am psyched.

Something good WILL come out of this.
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Old 04-22-2007, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by nolongerdrunk View Post
I thought I could just drink in moderation and slowly slipped back into old habits.
That has been my pattern too, for the past 4.5 years.

Originally Posted by nolongerdrunk View Post
Something good WILL come out of this.
Damn straight something good will come from it! I'm psyched too!

I hope I still feel this enthusiasm when I wake up tomorrow and I'm not hungover... I think I might just be able to do it having this forum to read back on and remind myself just how horrible the weekend really was.
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Old 04-22-2007, 07:29 AM
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I think a spa experience is a GREAT idea for the bach. party. And your friend? She might be disappointed, but this is about what's good for YOU. She'll back you 100% if she's a true friend.
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