Hi ((((((((((Sasha)))))))))))))
It looks like you found yourself a very healthy Alanon group to attend face to face and thats wonderful
Alanon isn't about his recovery Sasha....is about yours
You shared the following:
I have a good friend who is an alcoholism therapist, and I told her that since February my bf has limited himself to a six pack of beer every night. That amount has no effect on his personality. He is very easy to live with if he limits himself to that. I see him struggling. He freely admits he has a problem, and I know he's trying to control it. I also know that may or may not work. I guess she thought she was being helpful when she said to me: "You know, he could go back to drinking a quart of Scotch every night." I was livid. I said, "Of course I know that! How stupid do you think I am?" Her ex-husband just died of cancer. Do you tell someone who is enjoying remission from cancer: "You know, your cancer could come back with no warning and kill you?" OF COURSE THEY KNOW THAT! They think of that constantly! You can't possibly forget it!
When I first came through the doors of Alanon I was incapable of separating myself, my life and my own recovery from the Alcoholic and the effects of this disease on him or me. It was all a ball of confusion to me. The above share from you is a wonderful example of how we are tied so tightly to what the alcoholic is doing, saying and behaving like..... that we can not see ourselves or separate our insides, from their outsides, the alcohol or the consequences that we continue to suffer from, even though we are not the alcoholic or the one who drunk. We suffer right along with them, by trying to control the outcome of their disease, what they do, what they do not do, and we spend our lives wrapped up in them and their disease. Sasha, this is only a suggestion, but count the number of times that you used the word ......"he", "him" "his"
This isn't about him, he or his...... this is about us and our own recovery here at soberrecovery and alanon face to face.
There are no degrees of alcoholism..... only degrees of trouble. This isn't about bursting anyones bubble, its about staying in "reality". Reality is that we have no control over the alcoholic, how much they drink, or when and if it will escalate into drinking a full bottle of scotch. I read where you shared "he is controlling it". Yes he may be controlling it, and the reality is that its absolutely out of control when we begin trying to control our drinking. How do I know this? I am a recovering alcoholic for 14 years with the Grace of God...... and I can share the reality of this disease with you Sasha. The reality is this....... that no matter how much I wanted to, or needed to control my drinking....... it went out of control. When I was sober in AA for 2 years, it had become very apparent to me that I was living with someone who continued to drink and drug. Even though I had been in AA for 2 years and I was sober and trying very hard to work my own program.......... I was also feeling as if I had been tied to the ankle of this person that was continuing to drink and drug...... I had the focus on him, what he was drinking, how much he was drinking, where he went, what he did, when he did it, and I went about my day obsessed with the alcoholics life....... trying to control him, his drinking and all the consequences that alcoholism brought right into my life. I felt as if an elastic was tied on one end to my ankle.......and the other end was tied to his ankle. What ever he did..... I got yanked right along with him.
He was obsessed with alcohol, and I was obsessed with HIM.
(obsession) A thought, that overcomes all other thoughts.
My life disappeared.... into a maze of obsession to FIX IT....CONTROL IT.... I felt that I had no choice but to keep the focus on the alcoholic and try to control him and whatever was happening in his life, and his disease.
What I never looked at was how my life was being affected, I had completely lost myself, how I felt, what I thought, what I was doing, what I was not doing, in my own life.......... I had no life, I had a daily process of obsessing and trying to control him, his drinking, his life, at the expense of everything in my own life.
At Alanon Meetings I learned to keep the focus on me, and my own recovery. That took time, patience, compassion, and taking the suggestions from those who had come before me....and they had a solution..... the 12 Steps worked, applied and practiced in my own life with the help of God, a sponsor, and alot of women who were sharing their own experience, strength and hope.
One of things that was shared with me is that these halls of Alanon are filled with people who are at varying degrees of recovery from the effects of alcoholism. That none of us are perfect, and we are not here to get perfect. We are here, not because we are bad people trying to get good.... we are sick people trying to get well.
I am grateful that when I came into the halls of AA that there were recovering alcoholics who helped me to keep the focus on myself and my own recovery. I am also grateful that when I came into the halls of Alanon, that there were recovering people there who helped me to keep the focus on me and my own recovery.
These wonderful recovering people in Alanon helped me to stay "in reality" They helped me to see that no matter how much the alcoholic drank, or how much the alcoholic's drinking was out of control or how much he was trying to control his drinking, or what the alcoholic was doing, or not doing, saying or not saying, because no matter what was happening in the alcholics life......... that wasn't going to help me to get better one day at a time.
I had to take the focus off the alcoholic, and put the focus on the only thing that I could do anything about in reality...... me and my life.
Yes Sasha, you will read all kinds of shares here at Soberrecovery.......and you will hear all kinds of shares at your face to face meeting........ and the reality is that the only one who can do anything about you....... is you, with the help of God and those who are working this wonderful and simple program in their own life. So stick with the winners Sasha, continue to going to your face to face Alanon meeting.... sit and listen, identify and do not compare.... take the suggestions, and get a sponsor, get some phone numbers and call them........and let the miracle begin........ with you.
Yes Sasha, we all come through the doors of Alanon confused, hurting, lost, anxious, irritable and discontent...... and we stay to learn that there is hope, there is a solution one day at a time..... and we help one another by sharing our own experience, strength and hope.... and we begin to learn one day at a time to keep the focus on the only thing we can do anything about..... us and our own recovery.
What a gift it is to walk into the halls of Alanon and begin recovery with those who have been right where we are at, and they understand as so few can..... how powerful this disease is .......... and what the 12 Steps of Alanon can do when we work this simple program in our own life, and pass it on to those who don't know yet, that there is a way out.......... let it begin with me.
((((((((((((((Sasha))))))))))))))))) We are all at different levels and differing degrees of recovery, and with compassion and understanding from those who have been there and done that and have been given the solution...... we slowly learn, that one day at a time.... and we can begin reaching out with kindness, compassion and gratitude...... because someone was there and reached out to us with kindness and compassion....... and with gratitude they passed on the solution to us, so that we could get better one day at a time, and then we can pass on the solution to some else with compassion, kindness, and gratitude.... and so on, and so on, and so on
Just keep coming Sasha....... we love ya,
Patsy