Difference between online alanon and in-person alanon

Old 09-19-2003, 05:47 PM
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Difference between online alanon and in-person alanon

I'd like some clarification from those of you who attend in-person alanon in addition to posting to this board.

I've started attending alanon meetings and I find the tone very different from this board, and I'm wondering if others find that to be true, or is it only my limited experience.

I seem to have stumbled into an extremely well-run meeting, with very mature, committed people who are really working a 12-step program. It's the only alanon meeting I've ever been to, and I've only been six times (three times a week for two weeks). I gather that a core group of people have been coming to that meeting for many years. The comments are so meaty and uplifting. So far no one has complained about their A or told any horror stories. Tey pretty much only discuss their own struggles, failures, successes, behaviors. The primary speaker may allude to incidents in the past, but it's only in the context of their own problems and how alanon has helped them see their own character defects and change their own behavior. It has been very inspiring, because I really want to focus on myself, knowing that I cannot change my bf's behavior.

When I first checked out this board about ten months ago, it scared the hell out of me. I read all of the horror stories and thought "that is my future." It reminds me of when I was married. My late husband was headed for kidney failure. I worked in a hospital at the time and I couldn't bear to go near the dialysis lab. I knew we would be there all too soon. Reading some of ya'll's experiences made me feel doomed. Are people more likely to tell the gory details because this is the internet and we don't know each other? That's certainly true on other boards I read.

A couple of times in the beginning I posted looking for some kind of hope and support. When something positive would happen, I would post, hoping someone would encourage me. For example, when we went away for a week at Christmas, my bf didn't drink at all. I thought that was a good sign. Even my therapist agreed that if he could stop cold turkey without physical withdrawal symptoms, that was good.

But mostly what I got from the people here was, "well, a week is no big deal, don't get your hopes up," etc. The comments I got for the most part were bitter and jaded. (I'm sure that's not true of ALL the comments, but that's the overall impression I was left with.) It seems like when people post about finding him asleep on the lawn, or how he's let them down one more time, or he's back in jail, there's plenty of emotional support, but if you're looking around for something positive to hang on to, people love to burst your bubble.

I have a good friend who is an alcoholism therapist, and I told her that since February my bf has limited himself to a six pack of beer every night. That amount has no effect on his personality. He is very easy to live with if he limits himself to that. I see him struggling. He freely admits he has a problem, and I know he's trying to control it. I also know that may or may not work. I guess she thought she was being helpful when she said to me: "You know, he could go back to drinking a quart of Scotch every night." I was livid. I said, "Of course I know that! How stupid do you think I am?" Her ex-husband just died of cancer. Do you tell someone who is enjoying remission from cancer: "You know, your cancer could come back with no warning and kill you?" OF COURSE THEY KNOW THAT! They think of that constantly! You can't possibly forget it!

I'm not naive. I'm 54, I've been married twice and in three other serious long-term relationships. This current one is the only one with an addict. But my husband had many health problems, and they consumed all of my energy much in the same way that ny bf's drinking threatens to consume all my energy. This is something I have to deal with. He is my teacher, something I tell him all the time.

Anyway, I find the general tone of this board (as compared with the alanon meeting) to be very negative and discouraging. It's like a bunch of people in a lifeboat that is slowly sinking. I don't find much hope here.

Have I totally missed the boat, or does anyone else find this to be true?

Flame away.
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Old 09-19-2003, 06:18 PM
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Hi Sasha,

No one is here to flame you. I can only give you my impression of life here at SR.

A lot of people seek out forums like this b/c they're looking for ways to stop their A's from drinking or using and they need to be able to talk about what's going on in their lives with people who understand what it's like. It is a huge relief to be able to unload with people who are objective and who you can pretty much be honest with.

Sometimes it gives some people the courage to walk away from their A's and we never hear from them again. Some people struggle for a long time and never seem to make any progress. They just remain bitter, angry, and frustrated. But some people, after being here for a while, finally realize the problem isn't just with their A's, but with themselves as well. And they start to make tremendous progress in their recovery and in their lives.

Recovery isn't easy for any of us, and we all struggle with slips and relapses. But the main purpose of this board is to provide support, even for the bitter and frustrated among us. I think the overall tone is one of hope, b/c for those who keep coming back and eventually start making real changes in their life and within themselves, it's a wonderful thing to witness and be a part of.

And we do encourage people to share the good stuff, not just the bad.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 09-19-2003, 06:32 PM
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I doubt if anyone wishes to flame you.

I think one main difference between this board and your meeting is demographics.Your meeting,like many others has that core group of people with a lot of recovery.Here there are an overwhelming number of people who are very new to all of this.

For many,this is their first contact with Al Anon.So naturally there is often a high level of desperation and despair.And there is the natural camaraderie that you find amongst shipwreck survivors.

Another difference is a simple matter of numbers.You get a small handful of newcomers at any meeting.They arrive one or two at a time,and sometimes weeks go by without a new face in the familiar crew.Here the newcomers arrive by the dozens.Some stay and some don't,but they keep coming.24 hours a day,7 days a week,they keep showing up.What else but hope would draw them here?

I spend a lot of time greeting people on the Newcomers forum.I steer the vast majority of them to the Anon forums.Usually they are confused and scared and hurt.We give them all we can.But it's all too often like putting a band aid on a bullet hole.


Maybe you don't see the hope here,but we do.Many of these walking wounded will find what they need to patch themselves up.The healing will begin,and most will move on,maybe finding a home in a meeting like yours.And a few will stay and keep the lights on and the welcome mat out for others


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Old 09-19-2003, 06:47 PM
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Sasha -

I, too, am sorry that you feel that way about this site. I agree with everything said by the two people before me.

I am a relative newcomer here and came here out of desperation. I didn't know where else to turn. I was greeted immediately with kindness and alot of wisdom. True, there is alot of pain here but being able to talk about it helps to ease that pain. We all have to decide for ourselves how we want to live our lives. Those of us that are in a new relationship or one that is not totally committed need to hear the stories of others so that we can understand what this disease can do not only to the alcoholic but to those that love them. This disease just doesn't go away. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Practicing or in recovery. It is something that will always have to be dealt with. Listening to others can help you decide if this is a life that you want to live. It can help you stay in the relationship or leave the relationship. Only you can decide what is the right decision for you. Alot of us "newbies" use this site as a place to share our feelings and fears and receive love and support that we can find no other place.

I'm sorry that you are not finding what you are looking for here. They aren't all horror stories, thank God but there is alot of reality here. You can find friends here to help you through the tough times and I guess that is what I am looking for. I will have to find the answers to my situation on my own.

Please keep coming back and give it another shot.

Jo

PS: Where else can you receive a dozen birthday messages from people you have "known" only a few days? This is the place!!!
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Old 09-19-2003, 07:16 PM
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I found this forum because I was at my wits end, had no idea what to do, how to progress, anything. It was a Sunday evening around 11 p.m. and because I was just looking for anything, I put alanon into a search engine and found this board. I can't speak for anyone else here, but the stories and posts I read on this board were all about hope for me. The first thing I noticed and was so excited about was that I knew what these people were describing, I have lived this exact same thing. That alone was something.

It also made me feel like there was hope for me. Yes, I did find my A passed out on the lawn, but this has happened to others too and they are still here to tell about it. It just makes me feel good to know that people are here to listen and at any time, I don't have to wait for a face to face meeting to get this out. I would have gone crazy in the last week if I did.

In my opinion, overall this place is great. I have seen hope in nearly every post and I can't say enough about how good that makes me feel. I know I am not alone, and for me that is most important right now.
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Old 09-19-2003, 07:19 PM
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This is not an alanon meeting. The primary purpose of this board is to be a place where people can ask questions about alanon and to encourage them to attend if they think it may help them. It's the number one piece of advice you hear on the board... "try alanon".

I love the community here and have found more hope on this board than anywhere else. Hope for me. I confess when I pleaded for hope about Dino I did not get what I wanted. No one was willing to mislead me.

I'm not really sure what the point of your post is Sasha. There have been plenty of people who were "just passin' through" when they found this board. They got directions to alanon, went or didn't, and didn't feel any need or desire to stay around. Others of us have kind of formed a community. We're friends, we talk to each other. We like new friends and we like "just visitors". If you don't get anything from reading the posts but a headache... for pete's sake don't read! If you like us and want to talk to us, stick around.

Hugs!
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Old 09-20-2003, 05:34 AM
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Let me also add that here, like your meeting, there is a core group among us that have gone to 12 step meetings for many years and/or are extremely successful in their recovery. Find and follow those people if you choose to stay.

At meetings the complaining about the A is stopped very quickly. Newcomers arrive at meetings wanting to fix their A but the structure is tighter and doesn't allow for complaining in the same way this board does.

That is why we recommend meetings...always. I am so glad you found a good one! The people who came here first and at our suggestion began to attend meetings are among the most successful...that is a fact. Meetings are the backbone. And plenty of people have found them by beginning here.

Alot of good goes on here whether you can see that or not.

Hugs,
JT

10 years goin' to meetin's and almost 2 years here.
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Old 09-20-2003, 05:48 AM
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Sasha-
What struck me was your comment on how it was thought " a week is not big deal". The most my A went without was 5 days!!! And if he did go a whole week, I would be fearful of when he would relapse!!!

There is a lot of pain here, and I do agree with prior comments that, for a lot of people, this is their first step-- they WANT to get it all out, know that they are not alone!! Maybe if someone is successful in their recovery, they don't need to come back!!

I need a place to come and vent my frustrations, and apparently, this is it!!!
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Old 09-20-2003, 05:56 AM
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Sasha -

Venting along with sharing experiences, strength and hope seems to be what we are all about here. Like Smokie said, this isn't an al-anon meeting. There are a lot of structured online meetings out there. This is a message board that newcomers find when they have "hit a bottom" and oldtimers find when they want a bit of reinforcement in their recovery.

I see bad things posted and good things posted. I am a firm believer in sharing the good things and I am guilty of not doing this. Perhaps we all should make an effort to post when we are happy or something good happen in our lives.

Just my two cents

Hugs,
Debbie
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Old 09-20-2003, 08:05 AM
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Hi ((((((((((Sasha)))))))))))))

It looks like you found yourself a very healthy Alanon group to attend face to face and thats wonderful

Alanon isn't about his recovery Sasha....is about yours

You shared the following:
I have a good friend who is an alcoholism therapist, and I told her that since February my bf has limited himself to a six pack of beer every night. That amount has no effect on his personality. He is very easy to live with if he limits himself to that. I see him struggling. He freely admits he has a problem, and I know he's trying to control it. I also know that may or may not work. I guess she thought she was being helpful when she said to me: "You know, he could go back to drinking a quart of Scotch every night." I was livid. I said, "Of course I know that! How stupid do you think I am?" Her ex-husband just died of cancer. Do you tell someone who is enjoying remission from cancer: "You know, your cancer could come back with no warning and kill you?" OF COURSE THEY KNOW THAT! They think of that constantly! You can't possibly forget it!
When I first came through the doors of Alanon I was incapable of separating myself, my life and my own recovery from the Alcoholic and the effects of this disease on him or me. It was all a ball of confusion to me. The above share from you is a wonderful example of how we are tied so tightly to what the alcoholic is doing, saying and behaving like..... that we can not see ourselves or separate our insides, from their outsides, the alcohol or the consequences that we continue to suffer from, even though we are not the alcoholic or the one who drunk. We suffer right along with them, by trying to control the outcome of their disease, what they do, what they do not do, and we spend our lives wrapped up in them and their disease. Sasha, this is only a suggestion, but count the number of times that you used the word ......"he", "him" "his"

This isn't about him, he or his...... this is about us and our own recovery here at soberrecovery and alanon face to face.

There are no degrees of alcoholism..... only degrees of trouble. This isn't about bursting anyones bubble, its about staying in "reality". Reality is that we have no control over the alcoholic, how much they drink, or when and if it will escalate into drinking a full bottle of scotch. I read where you shared "he is controlling it". Yes he may be controlling it, and the reality is that its absolutely out of control when we begin trying to control our drinking. How do I know this? I am a recovering alcoholic for 14 years with the Grace of God...... and I can share the reality of this disease with you Sasha. The reality is this....... that no matter how much I wanted to, or needed to control my drinking....... it went out of control. When I was sober in AA for 2 years, it had become very apparent to me that I was living with someone who continued to drink and drug. Even though I had been in AA for 2 years and I was sober and trying very hard to work my own program.......... I was also feeling as if I had been tied to the ankle of this person that was continuing to drink and drug...... I had the focus on him, what he was drinking, how much he was drinking, where he went, what he did, when he did it, and I went about my day obsessed with the alcoholics life....... trying to control him, his drinking and all the consequences that alcoholism brought right into my life. I felt as if an elastic was tied on one end to my ankle.......and the other end was tied to his ankle. What ever he did..... I got yanked right along with him.

He was obsessed with alcohol, and I was obsessed with HIM.
(obsession) A thought, that overcomes all other thoughts.

My life disappeared.... into a maze of obsession to FIX IT....CONTROL IT.... I felt that I had no choice but to keep the focus on the alcoholic and try to control him and whatever was happening in his life, and his disease.

What I never looked at was how my life was being affected, I had completely lost myself, how I felt, what I thought, what I was doing, what I was not doing, in my own life.......... I had no life, I had a daily process of obsessing and trying to control him, his drinking, his life, at the expense of everything in my own life.

At Alanon Meetings I learned to keep the focus on me, and my own recovery. That took time, patience, compassion, and taking the suggestions from those who had come before me....and they had a solution..... the 12 Steps worked, applied and practiced in my own life with the help of God, a sponsor, and alot of women who were sharing their own experience, strength and hope.

One of things that was shared with me is that these halls of Alanon are filled with people who are at varying degrees of recovery from the effects of alcoholism. That none of us are perfect, and we are not here to get perfect. We are here, not because we are bad people trying to get good.... we are sick people trying to get well.

I am grateful that when I came into the halls of AA that there were recovering alcoholics who helped me to keep the focus on myself and my own recovery. I am also grateful that when I came into the halls of Alanon, that there were recovering people there who helped me to keep the focus on me and my own recovery.

These wonderful recovering people in Alanon helped me to stay "in reality" They helped me to see that no matter how much the alcoholic drank, or how much the alcoholic's drinking was out of control or how much he was trying to control his drinking, or what the alcoholic was doing, or not doing, saying or not saying, because no matter what was happening in the alcholics life......... that wasn't going to help me to get better one day at a time.

I had to take the focus off the alcoholic, and put the focus on the only thing that I could do anything about in reality...... me and my life.

Yes Sasha, you will read all kinds of shares here at Soberrecovery.......and you will hear all kinds of shares at your face to face meeting........ and the reality is that the only one who can do anything about you....... is you, with the help of God and those who are working this wonderful and simple program in their own life. So stick with the winners Sasha, continue to going to your face to face Alanon meeting.... sit and listen, identify and do not compare.... take the suggestions, and get a sponsor, get some phone numbers and call them........and let the miracle begin........ with you.

Yes Sasha, we all come through the doors of Alanon confused, hurting, lost, anxious, irritable and discontent...... and we stay to learn that there is hope, there is a solution one day at a time..... and we help one another by sharing our own experience, strength and hope.... and we begin to learn one day at a time to keep the focus on the only thing we can do anything about..... us and our own recovery.

What a gift it is to walk into the halls of Alanon and begin recovery with those who have been right where we are at, and they understand as so few can..... how powerful this disease is .......... and what the 12 Steps of Alanon can do when we work this simple program in our own life, and pass it on to those who don't know yet, that there is a way out.......... let it begin with me.

((((((((((((((Sasha))))))))))))))))) We are all at different levels and differing degrees of recovery, and with compassion and understanding from those who have been there and done that and have been given the solution...... we slowly learn, that one day at a time.... and we can begin reaching out with kindness, compassion and gratitude...... because someone was there and reached out to us with kindness and compassion....... and with gratitude they passed on the solution to us, so that we could get better one day at a time, and then we can pass on the solution to some else with compassion, kindness, and gratitude.... and so on, and so on, and so on

Just keep coming Sasha....... we love ya,
Patsy
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Old 09-20-2003, 11:41 AM
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When I came to the board over a year ago I was looking for that kind of hope. Hope that my son would recover. I am so glad no one gave me that kind of hope. Instead I was told if he kept drinking it would be "jail, institution, or death" In that year he was in jail and an institution twice. I am so glad that the focus here was on acceptance instead. I accepted "jail, institution, or death" and moved on. My hope is in my HP and that he will take care of all my needs. My hope for my son is that his HP is looking after him too. I can't hope that my son will recover and bring me happiness. It might not ever happen. I learned not to live in hope and learned to take what I have in today and run with it. Today will never come again. I will not "hope" it away.

I am so very thankful that everyone here was brutally honest with me. It changed my life.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-20-2003, 04:17 PM
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Thanks.
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