Sasha99

I'd like some clarification from those of you who attend in-person alanon in addition to posting to this board.

I've started attending alanon meetings and I find the tone very different from this board, and I'm wondering if others find that to be true, or is it only my limited experience.

I seem to have stumbled into an extremely well-run meeting, with very mature, committed people who are really working a 12-step program. It's the only alanon meeting I've ever been to, and I've only been six times (three times a week for two weeks). I gather that a core group of people have been coming to that meeting for many years. The comments are so meaty and uplifting. So far no one has complained about their A or told any horror stories. Tey pretty much only discuss their own struggles, failures, successes, behaviors. The primary speaker may allude to incidents in the past, but it's only in the context of their own problems and how alanon has helped them see their own character defects and change their own behavior. It has been very inspiring, because I really want to focus on myself, knowing that I cannot change my bf's behavior.

When I first checked out this board about ten months ago, it scared the hell out of me. I read all of the horror stories and thought "that is my future." It reminds me of when I was married. My late husband was headed for kidney failure. I worked in a hospital at the time and I couldn't bear to go near the dialysis lab. I knew we would be there all too soon. Reading some of ya'll's experiences made me feel doomed. Are people more likely to tell the gory details because this is the internet and we don't know each other? That's certainly true on other boards I read.

A couple of times in the beginning I posted looking for some kind of hope and support. When something positive would happen, I would post, hoping someone would encourage me. For example, when we went away for a week at Christmas, my bf didn't drink at all. I thought that was a good sign. Even my therapist agreed that if he could stop cold turkey without physical withdrawal symptoms, that was good.

But mostly what I got from the people here was, "well, a week is no big deal, don't get your hopes up," etc. The comments I got for the most part were bitter and jaded. (I'm sure that's not true of ALL the comments, but that's the overall impression I was left with.) It seems like when people post about finding him asleep on the lawn, or how he's let them down one more time, or he's back in jail, there's plenty of emotional support, but if you're looking around for something positive to hang on to, people love to burst your bubble.

I have a good friend who is an alcoholism therapist, and I told her that since February my bf has limited himself to a six pack of beer every night. That amount has no effect on his personality. He is very easy to live with if he limits himself to that. I see him struggling. He freely admits he has a problem, and I know he's trying to control it. I also know that may or may not work. I guess she thought she was being helpful when she said to me: "You know, he could go back to drinking a quart of Scotch every night." I was livid. I said, "Of course I know that! How stupid do you think I am?" Her ex-husband just died of cancer. Do you tell someone who is enjoying remission from cancer: "You know, your cancer could come back with no warning and kill you?" OF COURSE THEY KNOW THAT! They think of that constantly! You can't possibly forget it!

I'm not naive. I'm 54, I've been married twice and in three other serious long-term relationships. This current one is the only one with an addict. But my husband had many health problems, and they consumed all of my energy much in the same way that ny bf's drinking threatens to consume all my energy. This is something I have to deal with. He is my teacher, something I tell him all the time.

Anyway, I find the general tone of this board (as compared with the alanon meeting) to be very negative and discouraging. It's like a bunch of people in a lifeboat that is slowly sinking. I don't find much hope here.

Have I totally missed the boat, or does anyone else find this to be true?

Flame away.