Originally Posted by
chero 
...I feel happier than I've felt in a long time. But there is still that darkness underneath that threatens to come out and take me back over. But, today is a good day. Today, I'm choosing happiness...
That is so wonderful to hear, Cheryl, your recovery is awesome.
Originally Posted by
chero ...I haven't set up boundaries. I don't know how that works.... would it still be the same for you (or anybody that wants to respond) if you A wasn't an ex??...
The way it works for me is that _I_ am worthy of respect. From _anybody_. Friends, family, spouse, boss, co-workers. Anybody. Whatever problems they have in their life does _not_ change the fact that _I_ am worthy.
I set up boundaries by first imagining what I would tell somebody else to do in the same situation. As a codie I have a _wonderful_ ability to listen to other people's problems and help them find a good solution. As a codie I also have an incredible ability to _not_ do that for myself. Go figure.
So what I do is I imagine that I have a seven year old little boy with me. The "child within" that so many self-help books talk about. Then I imagine that what other people are doing to _me_ is being done to this "inner child".
When I imagine my ex-wife doing to a seven year old what she did to me I get offended. I get disturbed, I want to protect this seven year old in ways that I could not conceive of protecting me. I decided that the next time my ex would go off on one of her screaming fits I would _remove_ this "inner child" from the room and simply go elsewhere. There was no reason for this child to be exposed to such behavior.
I do that everywhere I go. When I go to the grocery store, which I _hate_ going to, I find ways to make it _fun_ for this seven year old to be there. I grab rolls of paper towels and juggle them. (Cynay!!! don't blow my cover
) I stop at the toy section and bounce a couple balls. I stop and smell the flowers in the flower case.
Recently I started dating a charming young lady who has 21yrs in AA. I told her right up front if she relapses, I'm gone. No second chances, no waiting to see if she "gets it", no driving her around to recovery centers. My "inner child" has had all the addiction he can tolerate in this life and I'm not going to expose him to any more. Been there, done that, done with it.
All of this "inner child" stuff is just a way for me to get around my codie-shortcomings. Since I'm not able to protect myself in a healthy way, I just turn it around to take advantage of my codie-strength and protect somebody else.
Mike