i dont know how to do that quote thing but you said jc that you know the pulling the hairs out of your dads chest causing cancer was just one of those things you tell kids (kinda like if you cross your eyes they will stay like that i guess ??) by saying that you know its just one of those things goes to show you that you didnt believe her . you know she isnt in her right mind , dont hold it against her . she did the best she could under the circumstances (even if her best sucked) , find forgiveness in your heart for her and let her go . by saying let her go i dont mean for you to cut her off completely (shes your mom , i understand ) but distance yourself and know what you are going to get from her , dont expect it to change , she will always be this way until she wants to get better .
Now for you . Do you have a Higher Power ? Do you believe in fate ? I do . I believe whole heartedly that we are all here for a reason . We may never know that reason until the end of our journey but then we will see that we were right where we were supposed to be all along . The thing is we were blessed with free will . As a kid you think God is watching all the time and if he didnt want you to do it , you wouldnt be doing it ... thats simply not true because of free will . God , or your Higher Power , has given you the power to choose for yourself , He can only guide you and hope that you see the signs and make the right decisions but He cannot and will not make those decisions for you .
I can tell you with 100% belief that He did not put you here to take your own life . He gave you life and thats a precious gift , you need to care for it. you have 2 beautiful children who deserve a shot at living as an adult without all the pain that their father felt . you need to stop that cycle for them and from that you will be fufilled . Maybe your purpose to to raise them to be something spectacular ??? or maybe its to recover and help others that suffer .. showing your children you did not suffer all those years in vain ..
I hope i make sense and didnt offend .. Im still thinking of you