justcrash

I hate the sick feeling I get in my stomach when two people are arguing.

I hate this front I put on that compels me to keep everyone laughing.

I hate that fact that women like my mother (irrational, angry, fickle in their approval), for instance, my current supervisor, make me freeze up like I am 6 years old again and afraid of getting beat

I hate being constantly disappointed in myself

I hate not knowing if I genuinely have relationship issues because I spent the last 7 years telling my wife how unaffectionate she is and now, guess what, maybe SHE is normal

I hate my lack of boundaries and how I automatically open up to people (gee... like this...), and how I am willing to do anything to get people to smile, like a monkey at a zoo

I hate giving so much of myself and getting nothing in return. I have always prided myself that if I had $2 and a stranger asked me for $3 I would give them my last $2 and feel bad because I couldn't do more.

I hate that people take advantage of you when you are over board nice to them and I always am over board nice

I hate how gullible I am when making new friends and how extremely aware of everyone's opinions of me

I hate who I am when I feel as if things have to be "my way or the highway"

I hate how I am constantly putting what I would want (and really, at this stage in the game, I have no idea what I want) aside to make other people smile

I hate how I wind up in a bad situation (like my job for instance) and do NOTHING about it, because I don't want to let my co-workers down

I hate how everything I was raised to believe a good person does (helping others, sacrificing or martyrdom for others, etc) have helped me become a neurotic mess.

Bipolar related:

I hate how I cannot trust my own feelings

I hate how I am never ever happy

I hate how I jump from goal to goal to goal, like a child

I hate how I spend money thinking "THIS will make me happy"

Oh well, I could go on and on...

Sorry for the long post, I am extremely bummed out. I was just hoping someone would tell me I am not alone in all of this.

SaTiT

I'm not bi polar yet....but I'm pretty damn sure they would tell me I quilfied.
Never consider myself to me neurotci...perhapse i'm still in denial. I can relate to being a prvider.lol
I ask for permission if i want to purchase anything for myself. Then i take the stuff back half of the time.

Yes...yes, i give you the shirt off my back. Give a total stranger my last $20 bucks before....
Lied 4 my boss sererval times or took the fall for his mistakes...I'm just so damn loyal.

MsGolightly

boy, do i know that feeling! you are definitely not alone in any of this.

i hope the rest of your day perks up for you... we've all had those rough days...

justcrash

Its just sometimes I get overwhelmed. I could be JUST a co-de, or JUST a bi-polar or JUST OCD, or I could JUST have hypoglycemia, or I could JUST have sleep apnea, or I could JUST have plantar fasciitis, but no, I have them all.

My quality of life sucks, I guess.

justcrash

I've felt like this since I was a little boy, but didn't have a name for it until 2 weeks ago. But thank you none the less.

Nuudawn

I hate that I can't say anything to make you feel better...
I hate how much this post says you don't like you
I hate that you give away more than you can emotionally afford which will only fester resentment
I hate that you are so mean to you
I hate that you feel you don't live up to the standards you yourself set
I hate that somebody in your life and upbringing made you feel like it was okay to beat up on you emotionally (and/or physically).

I hate that you don't care for yourself with the true, generous, compassionate and kind heart that you obviously extend to others.

justcrash

This almost made me cry.

man, my coworkers would have thought I was nuts. They'd be right.

SaTiT

Don't be so hard on yourself Crash.

mmm...you wouldn't have to happen to have a collection of self help book
would ya...cuz i do
I have a radar when i go to the mall...right to the self help section in
any book store first.
I hate the fact that I have read all those damn books, just to be half
normal.lol

Oki doki...my spiritual advisor had to pull me aside and did a one on one.
Cuz i almost ran out of the church.
An act of recieving.....lol
I have learn how to receive just as much.
If I don't receive..I'm still being selfish...it's pride in reverse.
I'm withholding the light from others that is giving.
Through praticing doing this...I've learned to received.
On a spiritual level....life, love is a gift. i don't have earn it.
Acceptence is the key. First i had to learn to accepting things
as they are. Acceptence in that stage is a sob.
But the lessen is Acceptence in itself. Once i kind of grasp it.
I then learn to apply acceptence of happiness, love, joy.
I deserve it..as in god's love..I don't need to earn it...it's a gift.
I'm good enough...accepting this is the key.

I'm codendency and living with an active addict or in my childhood,
I develope a habit to aways question about hidden motives behind a gift.

Nuudawn

(((JustCrash)))...you should cry. Cry for the mean SOB b*stard you are to you. Cry for that wounded little child within ya that you keep neglecting and beating up emotionally for the sake of others. Tell that cruel tyrant of an inner parent to shut the hell up...that you..the true beautiful loving you is now in charge and you have had enough of this self abuse!! Promise yourself that you will take care of you...today and always...love yourself like you deserve to be loved.

justcrash

One of the big lines my brother and I throw around when joking about our childhood that my mom always said was "You oughta cry... you oughta hang your hed in shame!"

Just reminded me of that.

I understand though.

LGLG07

i love nuudawns post ! they really hit home and express exactly how i felt when i read this thread .
maybe you should cry but dont hang your head in shame . sounds like you were judged for everything u did when u and ur brother where growing up .. gee i dont know what thats like !
i rmbr one day feeling embarrassed over something stupid (i cant even rmbr what it was now) and thinking , 'God what must this person think of me' and then it hit me , all my life growing up i was worried about what my father thought of me (he was an active alcoholic and joined aa when i was 21, about 20 years too late for me) obviously i was never good enough for him , nothing was every good enough for him .. but that was his problem , not mine.

there will always be certain people in this life that judge you , those are the
'passersbys' the ones who dont are the 'keepers' . surrounder yourself with the keepers and let the passersby keep walking , no resentment or remorse , they just arent meant for you

ICU

Justcrash,

It hurts to hear how much pain you are in, but I'm glad that you shared it and got it out with people that understand.

I'm a little choked up now...but I just wanted to thank you for opening up like that and sharing with us.

Nuudawn

Well, now I know who taught you it was okay to beat up on yourself. I imagine your mom came a hell of her own. I too was reminded of my childhood chastisement..."you wanna cry? ..I'll give you something to cry about!".

justcrash

You are welcome. I was just hoping to find out I am not the only one who feels this way.

justcrash

Ahh.. the old "give you something to cry about".. I remember that one. A classic.

Remember the one where your mom found out you were dating a girl and in love and she trashed your room like she was the cops, found her love letters to you that you stashed and read them out loud for the whole family to hear and then she made fun of you for being so ignorant you couldn't see what a ***** she was? Then she kicked you in the ribs after throwing you down the stairs, until you spit up blood?

No?

Must just be me then.


In her defense (yeah, I know, classic co-de), she was much better to us than her father (alchoholic) was to her. She got beat EVERY night, until she urinated herself and her bare back was covered with blood from the belt he used.

Nuudawn

Good Lord! Man, you win the sh*t-storm childhood gold star. That is absolutely beyond awful...the layers and cycle of abuse here is ...I have no words.
I had nothing quite so bad...I thought my dad hated me..thought me stupid, clutzy, ugly and worthless. That was my message...so whenever I start caring about a man...I think he thinks that too....cuz that's what I tell myself..the message is ingrained.

It's my job...my mission...to stop hearing that message...to love myself enough that I don't allow myself to feel that way. It's my responsibility. I'm all I have.

LGLG07

ok justcrash , you know where your pain is coming from . my heart breaks for you . i have a son who is 6 , he asked me the other day how old he has to be before he can have a girlfriend (ive known he has had this crush for a while) it was the sweetest thing , he was so vulnerable asking the question .

the thought of a young teen being made fun of and embarrassed in front of his family when he was so vulnerable and by his own mom is too much to think about .. im not at all surprised that you feel the way you do and im sure giving how you were raised , you are feeling exactly as you should feel (not to say you are right)

keep in mind . your mom was abused as a child as well but then she grew up . she had choices to make , she could of been an abuser or she could of gotten help and spared her own kids . she choose to abuse . dont make excuses for her . i know shes your mom and im sure she did the best she could under her circumstances (which i obviously have no idea what they were but i can imagine it was tough) and she did what she knew to do .

all you can do now is take care of yourself . im not sure if you have children or not or want them in the future , but you have the power to make a chose too . you can stop the cycle of abuse and take care of yourself first . seek counseling if you havent alrdy . know that your feelings about yourself , while arent accurate , are expected given what you have endured . what happened to you as a child does not define you as a man . you had no control over that . but you have control now . the power of positive thinking
is so underestimated ... i hope i havent said to much , just trying to help .
sometimes it sounds better in my head !

you have come to the right place . stick around . im new here too . welcome

justcrash

heh.. you think THATS something?

Let me tell you about the time my mom beat up my 3rd grade teacher in the middle of class...

Or beat up another mother at a little league game...

or when she beat me with a wooden broom handle when I was a kid and stepped on a rusty piece of fence and it went through my foot....

or would wait until I came home after spending the day in school, going to track practice, and working until 11 PM at night only to have her see my bloodshot eyes, accuse me of doing drugs, beating me and dragging me to the E-room for drug testing...

or her taking a ball bat to my fathers car because, while she wanted him out on the road making money, she wantedh im home wit hher too...

or how we were broke and she would drop $600 on the home shopping channel for porcelin clowns...

or how she got into a fist fight with my girlfriends mother...

or how she told all of my friends (my brother and I are 2 years apart so we shared the same friends, he stll lived at home) that if they went to my first wedding they would no longer be allowed in her home...

or how she herself ended up COMING to that wedding but mocked my then wife's family the whole time because the reception was "below" her...

or how she beat me with a wooden ball bat when she got tired of us...

or how she was constantly threatening my father and hitting him all the time...

or how she would go into the hospital to visit my granbfather (her dad) and end up getting into screaming matches with her siblings over some imagined slight...

I could go on and on, I guess... but none of it mattered when she told me how smart I was, how special I was, and I have spent my whole life trying to get her approval.

justcrash

Yes, I have two kids, and yes, I am already in therapy. I am doing my best to not be my mother, thus the therapy.

LGLG07

im glad for you and your kids are very lucky to have you . you know theres a problem and your fixing it . alot to be said about that