Originally Posted by
IO Storm 
Whine away JC;
By the way, it is not whining. You need to talk. I know what
I saw in my mother in law, the change in personality, the
total self centeredness. She was brilliant, beautiful, and
gracious when well. I could tell when a change was coming
on....her eyes darted back and forth and she licked her
lips.. a day or two later my father in law would take off on
a bike trip and my boyfriend at the time would have to
take care of her. Up all night, singing and dancing,
cursing and praising God, whatever. She would cry in
despair. He would give her meds, and then smile at me
when he left the room and spit them in the trash can.
Hospitalization would ultimately follow. She eventually
gave up on all meds.
JC: I want to take the time to thank you for letting me
share this.
You see, I am bipolar type I, as she was. However, I
am stabilized and carefully monitored monthly by an
excellent treatment team at my local Behavioral Health
Center.
Talk to us, JC, we are listening.
Love,
:
Sherry
I am told I am a rapid cycler bi-polar. I am back in therapy and I have a P-doc appt this Thursday.
Someone said to get away from my mom, and that is pretty much what I do. She wonders why no one wants to spend time with her.
I don't like even mentioning here because in all honesty, I hate how cliche it all is "blame it on my mother".
All I know is that I am at my wits end. I went to a therapist because I have plans to kill myself. Before it went to that I wanted to get help. But it is getting harder and harder.
I am just fed up... I am exhausted all the time. It can't be the apnea, I have been 100% compliant since day one (I have really been trying to improve my life since I turned 30, 3 years ago with seemingly no luck). I have headaches. My heart aches all the time. Its hard to breathe and I get that sick to your stomach feeling, like I know my report card is coming and I am going to get in trouble (of course, I am guessing I am the only one here whose mother beat them in FRONT of their sixth grade teacher during a report card conference. That was my first "F". I paid for it).
I can't think when I am hungry and I am constantly hungry. I go to the gym 5days a week now but nothing seems to help, no energy, always ravagingly hungy. I initially lost 25 lbs going to the gym when I started. Down to 193 (I am 5-10) from 225. Now I am gaining it all back. Since i Have to get up at 4:30 AM to go to the gym before work, I resent going to the gym too.
I hate my job. I hate my life. I have nothing to look forward to and if you were to hold a gun to my head and ask me what would make me happy, I honestly couldn't tell you because I can't put any faith in my answers... I get a wild burr and decide I want to build scale models.. so.. $3K later, I build one model and could care less. I do that kind of stuff ALL THE TIME and I hate it. I know it won't work, but I am maybe happy for an hour or a week.. and I so desperately want to be happy.
I don't know how my wife hasn't left me. I guess she is too busy with her horses to care what I do.
I hate my stupid hair.. I hate going to college, I ALWAYS seem to have something to do with school. To do what? To get a 2 year associates in business that will be useless? I will be the first one in my family ever to get a college degree... but.. ya know... so what... I go in debt for that, only to have to turn around and keep going, doing something I hate? I dunno.
I guess if I was too sum this all up. I hate me, and I really don't deserve to continue being a leech on society and my family.