This is something I've never confessed ... it relates to this post
I remember sitting in my living room in June 2001. It was a warm summer evening. I suddenly had one of those moments when I was in absolutely no denail about anything. I just had raw fear. At my age, was I going to spend the rest of my life alone? It sure looked like it. Suddenly I was looking at that fear square in the face. No sex. No love. No partner. No companionship. Just me and my cat. Sure, at that time I had a few family members left alive. I had some friends. But that moment of realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Alone. Forever. Then dead. End of story.
Tell you what I did the first year I left my exAH. I ranted at him while I drove my car. I had one-sided discussions (I won, of course!). I made my points with him. I had snappy comebacks. I could yell at him without fear of being hit. So what did I have? I was stuck. I was stuck in anger about what my exAH had done to me. I was stuck in fear that I would die alone. I was actually having a nervous breakdown over this entire mess. I was really cracking up, big-time. WHERE THE HECK WAS GOD??? WHY WAS HE LETTING ME CONTINUE TO HURT SO BADLY???
He was there all the time. I had to go through that hurt. It stunk. I went kicking and screaming every inch of the way. But I learned. I learned that pain is not death and death is not always painful. I learned that I could endure more pain, but it would never be more than I could handle.
Forgiveness and hate. Look at it this way: life is short. You can hold onto the hate, but it only hurts you. It's not bothering your ex in the least. Forgiveness does not mean you condone what he did or accept what he did. It means you release him. As someone who is "ancient" (old enough to be your mother, I'm sure!) I can attest to the fact that the older I get, the bigger waste of time it is for me not to forgive. I don't have time to waste thinking about the crap both of my AH's pulled on me. And to look at it from my own personal point of view, there is nothing I could ever conceive of doing to them that would come close to what God will do when he deals with them. And he WILL - sooner or later.