Frustrated that I can't let go and find Forgiveness

Old 04-09-2007, 01:47 PM
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Frustrated that I can't let go and find Forgiveness

I'm frustrated with myself and my HP. It has been a little over a year 1/2 since my ex-abf broke up with me and I learned about all the things he had lied about. As much as I pray, read, and get out and live my own life I'm still stuck on him and I hate it. I ask my HP for guidance and to show me/help me understand what it is I'm supposed to learn...so either my HP isn't talking to me or I'm deaf. I know I will remain stuck and if I can't let go and find forgiveness...forgiveness for myself otherwise I'm just going to carry it with me everywhere I go and in everything I do....Ugh how frustrating..... I also hate being filled with such self-doubt.... it carrys over into everything I do now these days.... Currently, I'm all torn up and think there must be something wrong with me that this female friend of mine must not like me or want to be friends with me or have any contact with me all b/c I sent a text message to her yesterday and got no reply....Oh how I need help.
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Old 04-09-2007, 01:55 PM
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Been there, done that.
Spent over 5 years not getting over an arse of a boyfriend I was miserable with for most of the paltry six months we were together. After we split, my alcoholism REALLY went into full gear.
I was still stuck on him when another self loathing, alcoholic/addict swept me off my drunken feet. Spent about 8 months with him whilst he whipped and battered me emotionally...always trying to make me jealous, lying to me, cheating on me..always saying insensitive things to get me to react to prove I cared. Yup, these were the princes on white stallions in my life. And I held on to them...Admittedly, the second I got over much quicker. I sobered up and I realized that his inability to love and care for me said a helluva lot more about him that it did about me.

I dunno what it takes for us to get over those who really didn't treat us the way a person should be treated. Why do we hang on? Dunno. Seems pretty stupid huh? Is this all we feel we deserve ..some lying coward that couldn't give us what we need anyway? I think we just use it to beat ourselves with ..cuz that's what we do...beat ourselves all the time. Somewhere we learned that was okay.
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Old 04-09-2007, 02:46 PM
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One very important message that I would like everyone to know...

It is not your fault and you are so worth being treated so much better then you were.

You have trouble trying to forgive yourself because you can't find what it is you need to forgive.
There is nothing there for you to find. You do everything right. You try your hardest. You give 100% of yourself to others and still things don't work?

What did you do wrong?

Nothing.

I know what I say as truth because I had seen my wife bend over backwards and do or try everything she could to fix things. There was no fixing till "I" started making choices to do what is right and seek recovery.
She has no need to forgive herself either because there is nothing there for her to forgive herself for. My issue, my problem, my doing. Not her fault and...
Not your fault either.
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Old 04-09-2007, 03:07 PM
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Then why did he have to cheat on me and choose her over me?
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Old 04-09-2007, 03:12 PM
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Because he's a drunk and it's all about him and his needs. Do not for one instance think this woman is any smarter, prettier, sexier or skinnier. It has NOTHING to do with any of that crap. Cheaters are insecure self loathers...it's all about their own worthless ego gratification. In all likelihood, she is probably more controllable than you...she is likely less of an emotional or ego threat.
He probably feels better about himself with her cuz in some way he feels superior to her for whatever reason.
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Old 04-09-2007, 03:13 PM
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And what a prize she won!! If you believe in your HP...than your being incredibly resistant..and (sigh) almost egotistical hon. Do you think you truly know what's best for you...that your HP/God is wrong somehow? You have been SPARED from further grief from this man. You need to trust that this person has been removed from your life for your best interest. Something and someone way better is in store for you.
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Old 04-09-2007, 03:56 PM
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Maybe just learning to find other ways to enjoy life, in the mean time.
My doctor told me....
" there must be more you want of life than your wife and kid"
It rip me to pieces to hear that. but those word stuck with me for some
reason. My life center around her and she was alway on my mind.
The song is romantic but had unhealthy results for a codi like me.

I even moved in with a female friend. She was a nurse
and took my in like a lost cat and was going to fix me. I basic
started to loose myself again. From the frying pan and into the fire.
I had a need to be in a realtionship with a woman to make me feel
normal. A combination of society morals and my sexual drive.
Being in love is very, very intoxicating for me.

Luckiy i wasn't too much of a grown up, I allow myself to be
silly and find hobbies. I started playing me guitar again..It gave
so much joy. I forgot how much i love playing music. Music was
a part of me before girls came into my life. I also like to paint.
I like aerospace, i like working on machanical contraptions, and more.

Recovery has been a challenge of balance for me.
Living a balance life style between work , love, play, and my hp.
I'm a recoverying extreemist is more like it. I take everything to
the extreem.

One rule i do make for myself today..
I'm not allow to beat up on the child inside of me, no matter what.
No matter the failures, no matter if i can't forgive or let go.
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Old 04-09-2007, 04:10 PM
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MTB chick-oh how i can relate. I miss my husband every day, and i am struggling to make a new life for myself. some days i completely hate myself and feel like a lie myself-- everything i thought was solid under my feet-- that is, the one thing i thought was solid-- my marriage, and my husband's love for me, my understanding of myself through my relationship to him-- all of that was shattered-- the new reality? he left me, for someone one much younger-- that he has a new partner in crime, new lover- and he was supposed to be the one messed up- i was supposed to be the solid, old reliable- the new reality is that i am alone, and i don't like it- i no longer have "my person"-- the one who i thought loved me beyond anything dumped me for the first adoring young art chick who came along. i am terrified-- it's been months-- i fear never having sex again, never having intimate friends, never being desired, never touching any human being again-- i now have the experience that a friend who i trusted more than anything betrayed me for a stranger. it's scary. it's like, no one likes you, and even the ones who liked you the most, they don't like you at all. i am nosing headlong into self pity-- i would love a holiday in cambodia-- i need to be more of service to others and focus outside of myself- it's one thing to know i have to make myself strong/be my own strong, unshakable reality-- but i am filled with fear. some days, like today, i don't even feel like getting out of bed. but others have been able to pull themselves through-- we have to believe it's possible for us to do so too, and that eventually, we'll be richer for the experience. good luck to you- keep posting. knowing i am not alone is sometimes the only thing that helps.

Last edited by lillian; 04-09-2007 at 04:16 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 04-09-2007, 04:27 PM
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The path to a better life is there - and it's available to you.
Releasing the pain, the guilt, etc was a really big hurdle for me for a long time and I nearly destroyed my sanity in trying to do so, so I really understand how you are feeling.
I believe that each individual goes through phases of recovery - and sometimes we just get stuck. I was "stuck" for a long time. Finally, I was released from that - and believe me, it came in a way that I never dreamed!

Hang in there - keep working your own recovery - and are you seeking help and support through Alanon or counseling? I often find that the answers that I seek are usually right in front of me - I just sometimes miss the sign - even when it's big, red, glowing and on fire! LOL.
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Old 04-09-2007, 04:54 PM
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I am there right where you all are too. I miss my ex so very very much and he is married to the bar hooch that he left us for...I wont ever find out the answers to all the questions that I have and that I think is so much of the pain involved..I guess even if I did get answers it wouldnt make me feel any better but like the rest of you I thought my life and my marriage was on solid ground and I thought I was in the drivers seat....it hurts when betrayal is in the mix and the abandonment is no picnic either...I just have to believe that what goes around comes around....and I for one would love to hear some stories where the karma bus has smacked them right between the eyes...
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Old 04-09-2007, 05:24 PM
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Make your past experiences a guidepost, not a hitching post....

Your subconcious mind is the controller of both your emotional well being and physical well being. Every night, and I mean every, before you go to sleep send your subconcious mind a message...I forgive XYZ, I have moved on from XYZ, I do not want this person to hold me prisoner any longer....something to that effect. Before you know it, your concious mind will accept the thought and it will become reality...

It works, give it a go.
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Old 04-09-2007, 11:27 PM
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stay strong--I think maybe HP does hear you--thank god the relationship is over---you are meant for better things than that type of life
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Old 04-10-2007, 12:12 AM
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Sweetie, My XAH also went to live in another state t be with the person who he feels is his soul mate, lit hurts everyday, I often think, what if... it takes time but our HP is listening, he just hasn't decided what our answer is yet, but when he does look out, it is going to be great. Hang in there.. This is what keeps me going.... If my XAH can't stop long enough to call his kids,and this woman knows it, she can have him, she is no better than he is.
Besides deep down I don't want his drunk ass, I want my husband, and he just isn't that guy! So I figure she can keep him, what good is he to me? Nothing!
keep posting!
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Old 04-10-2007, 01:37 AM
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This is something I've never confessed ... it relates to this post

I remember sitting in my living room in June 2001. It was a warm summer evening. I suddenly had one of those moments when I was in absolutely no denail about anything. I just had raw fear. At my age, was I going to spend the rest of my life alone? It sure looked like it. Suddenly I was looking at that fear square in the face. No sex. No love. No partner. No companionship. Just me and my cat. Sure, at that time I had a few family members left alive. I had some friends. But that moment of realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Alone. Forever. Then dead. End of story.

Tell you what I did the first year I left my exAH. I ranted at him while I drove my car. I had one-sided discussions (I won, of course!). I made my points with him. I had snappy comebacks. I could yell at him without fear of being hit. So what did I have? I was stuck. I was stuck in anger about what my exAH had done to me. I was stuck in fear that I would die alone. I was actually having a nervous breakdown over this entire mess. I was really cracking up, big-time. WHERE THE HECK WAS GOD??? WHY WAS HE LETTING ME CONTINUE TO HURT SO BADLY???

He was there all the time. I had to go through that hurt. It stunk. I went kicking and screaming every inch of the way. But I learned. I learned that pain is not death and death is not always painful. I learned that I could endure more pain, but it would never be more than I could handle.

Forgiveness and hate. Look at it this way: life is short. You can hold onto the hate, but it only hurts you. It's not bothering your ex in the least. Forgiveness does not mean you condone what he did or accept what he did. It means you release him. As someone who is "ancient" (old enough to be your mother, I'm sure!) I can attest to the fact that the older I get, the bigger waste of time it is for me not to forgive. I don't have time to waste thinking about the crap both of my AH's pulled on me. And to look at it from my own personal point of view, there is nothing I could ever conceive of doing to them that would come close to what God will do when he deals with them. And he WILL - sooner or later.
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Old 04-10-2007, 01:28 PM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
Tell you what I did the first year I left my exAH. I ranted at him while I drove my car. I had one-sided discussions (I won, of course!). I made my points with him. I had snappy comebacks. I could yell at him without fear of being hit. So what did I have? I was stuck. I was stuck in anger about what my exAH had done to me. I was stuck in fear that I would die alone. I was actually having a nervous breakdown over this entire mess. I was really cracking up, big-time. WHERE THE HECK WAS GOD??? WHY WAS HE LETTING ME CONTINUE TO HURT SO BADLY???

wow, does that sound familiar!

letting go and forgiving is something that's also very difficult for me right now. at this point, i really can't see myself forgiving my ex for anything she's done and continues to do to me, thinking i'm too stupid to realize. i'd like to think that somewhere down the line, i'll let go of the anger, but i just can't say that for sure at the point i am. i've forgiven a lot, i forgive things that she did to me while drinking, but the fact is, i was still lied to and betrayed while she wasn't drinking, and i have a hard time forgiving that. she knew what she was doing and she still continues to do it, without thinking about me or anyone else it effects. some things aren't forgivable... at least in my opinion. but i'd love to learn how at some point down the road. the anger i feel isn't getting me anywhere.
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Old 04-10-2007, 09:09 PM
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MTB once he used you up he had to find another source to supply him. Alcoholics are like that. Once he uses up the person he's with now he will start going back through the ex's.....or the past sources of supply he's used before.

The true nature of alcoholic/addict is to do whatever it takes to meet their needs. You are simply a tool to them. You are not a person, but a resource to use up. There are tons of stories in these forums about being married to an alcoholic/addict, he/she cheats, leaves you for another............only to later call wanting you back. Its even happened to me!!

But when he calls try not to romanticize it. Don't romanticize anything the alcoholic/addict does because it is ALL done in an effort to fill their weak & ravenous souls. Try not to be too excited when he calls. Try not to get sucked in to relieve your own pain. If you feel physically or sexually attracted to him (come on, we've all been there) try to get over those feelings.

I send you lots of love. I have been there. Many of us have. The only meeting/phone call you should be interested in is his 12 step recovery ammends IF he gets in recovery.....and that may take a while. If someone can walk away from you......let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who didn't stay with you for if it were meant to be they would still be with you. (I can't take credit for that, it was Tony Robbins, loosely quoted)
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