One very important message that I would like everyone to know...
It is not your fault and you are so worth being treated so much better then you were.
You have trouble trying to forgive yourself because you can't find what it is you need to forgive.
There is nothing there for you to find. You do everything right. You try your hardest. You give 100% of yourself to others and still things don't work?
What did you do wrong?
Nothing.
I know what I say as truth because I had seen my wife bend over backwards and do or try everything she could to fix things. There was no fixing till "I" started making choices to do what is right and seek recovery.
She has no need to forgive herself either because there is nothing there for her to forgive herself for. My issue, my problem, my doing. Not her fault and...
Not your fault either.