Me...well, i'm still obsessively thinking and pondering a stupid guy. Here's my stupid guy thoughts thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-guy-why.html
I've been at my office since 4:30 today and have only gotten about an hours worth of actual work accomplished. My brain will not concentrate long enough or well enough to finish my freelance job. Just a few photos for a very large paper in another state...and i suspect anxiety and worry and stress (really all the same things I suppose) are playing a role in keeping me from finishing. Grrrrr.
I think i've found a place to move into so that I will be able to cut out the horu and a half round-trip commute to work each day. I'm worried about having a rent payment for the first time since my major depressive, but it feels like this is what i'm suppose to be doing right now.
I still miss Live/Tena something terrible...she was a rock in this crazy world of mine and the only person who could truely comfort me and affirm the difficult things i was going through. I know she's off living her life as she should be and that the last thing she probably needs is to babysit my irrational thoughts, but there's definetly a noticable hole in my world with out her strength and wisdom being in it.
All-in-all, I feel so totally and completely alone right now...and have for a while, it's just gotten exponetially worse of late. I have tons of acquaitences and what I call psuedo friends, but my mom is the only person that comes the closest to an actual friend in my daily life. But, she's so super critical of me and everything in my life that often the negatives and the stress I feel from her outweigh the good.
So no man, no friends and my life is so full of work that I'm so over-whelmed that even driving the commute on my day off to get stuff done is hardly worth the effort for the little amount of actual work I accomplish.
At least I finally got a computer of my own. I probably won't hook it up or anything until I'm moved, but it's a relief to have it! (been without a personaly one for about a year and a half now!)
So the boy at work....
Mostly he puts on an act that makes him seem like his ego is huge and he's super confident of himself, but I know in reality it's because he actually isn't very confident in himself. So it's like he needs others to agree with his statements about his good looks and everything....to continually feed his ego and keep him on an even keel.
I've decided that I mean nothing to him except that i'm one of his many ego-feeders. He knows I like him and if he doesn't know i have feelings for him then he is pretty clueless, and yet he has no qualms about giving me lots of attention (just only when it's convienient for him).
So basically, whether he's aware of it or not, he is using me to feed his ego....but at the cost to my own highly sensative self.
I continually go back and forth from being hurt and trying to make myself decide not to have anything to do with him any more.....to feelings and thoughts of 'Oh no! Don't go away...come back. I just want you to love me!"
Pityful and pathetic. I know this. And yet, here I am.
I so desperately want someone to love me. 85 percent of me believes that this guy never could make me feel secure in anything...expecially not love! And yet I can't let go. Stupid (yet human) me.
Oh bother....