CatsP~
You have given me so much advice that I can only offer some kinds words as i am not even near where you are in terms of recovery. Plus I am only 24 years old so not much experience under my belt in terms of relationships (esp. healthy ones) but I can relate to the "being too independent question."
I think that one can never really be too independent... It's more of the reason for asserting our independence while still in a relationship. When I have gotten over a bad breakup (I was a true codie even then and the man was not an addict) - I regained my indepdence slowly but because I had not worked on my recovery from codepdency I used my independence as a sheild- a protective mechanism that I put between me and another because I was afraid of the "all or nothing" kicking back in. Not needing anyone and then being completely dependent on them.
I believe it is normal- for you to feel a bit shaky in terms of putting your recovery into practice in a new relationship. I would just have to say believe in yourself and continue to make your life about you. I copy and pasted the Toxic Love vs. Healthy Love below. I always find this helpful because I can identify what I consider "healthy behavior" in a relationship. Clearly you're not in the toxic region- but identifying opposite ends of hte spectrum helps to keep our current beliefs in perspective. Again I think the gray area in between the TOO INDePENDENT and the CODEPENDENT can be difficult to get to. We've been practicing certain ways for so long and haven't ever experienced a relationship where two equals are present that it feels so foreign. I've had relationships like this for awhile but felt that by nature I am naturally codependent and apt to lose myself in another so for me that takes more work. Hope some of that helped even if just a little
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Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)
1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.