Confession
As many of you know my AH tried to commit suicide on Thursday. Well, he is home now and hopefully will be going to an impatient treatment center on Friday.
Last night we got into a huge fight. He is upset with me beacuse on the night that he tried to commit suicide I had gone out with my girlfriends (to the bar) in a town about 45 minutes away from him. So, when he called me at around 2:00 A.M. to tell me he was trying to commit suicide I had to call the police to come pick him up because I was too drunk to drive and way too far away from home to get there in time. I guess what I am saying is I feel guilty because for once through his addiction, I was not there for him. I had to call his Mom to be with him until I was sober enough to drive to the hopstial. I didn't get there until around 4:00 A.M. I know that I shouldn't beat myself up and I know that I had no idea this was going to happen but it still did. I also realize that he is hurting and scared and acting like an addict by trying to direct his anger at me when he feels it for himself.
But, putting the addiction aside, I still feel bad. I wasn't here for my husband at a time he needed me most. I was doing the one thing that I don't want him to do- use substances.
Last night after he got over his anger he said he was sorry and wouldn't have wanted me to drive drunk but I am still hurting today.
I just wish things would have been different- maybe I should have called a cab or called someone to come get me and take me to the hospital, I don't know. I just feel like I made the wrong decision.