Old 04-03-2007, 05:37 AM
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As many of you know my AH tried to commit suicide on Thursday. Well, he is home now and hopefully will be going to an impatient treatment center on Friday.

Last night we got into a huge fight. He is upset with me beacuse on the night that he tried to commit suicide I had gone out with my girlfriends (to the bar) in a town about 45 minutes away from him. So, when he called me at around 2:00 A.M. to tell me he was trying to commit suicide I had to call the police to come pick him up because I was too drunk to drive and way too far away from home to get there in time. I guess what I am saying is I feel guilty because for once through his addiction, I was not there for him. I had to call his Mom to be with him until I was sober enough to drive to the hopstial. I didn't get there until around 4:00 A.M. I know that I shouldn't beat myself up and I know that I had no idea this was going to happen but it still did. I also realize that he is hurting and scared and acting like an addict by trying to direct his anger at me when he feels it for himself.

But, putting the addiction aside, I still feel bad. I wasn't here for my husband at a time he needed me most. I was doing the one thing that I don't want him to do- use substances.

Last night after he got over his anger he said he was sorry and wouldn't have wanted me to drive drunk but I am still hurting today.

I just wish things would have been different- maybe I should have called a cab or called someone to come get me and take me to the hospital, I don't know. I just feel like I made the wrong decision.
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Old 04-03-2007, 05:50 AM
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Hmm... Again I'm still very new to all of this ~ but it sounds like manipulation. As if you are to be on high alert at all hours of the morning (and day for that matter) that he may be close to harming himself. I think that typically the addicts STILL do not want to take responsibility for their actions. They are STILL trying to grasp at others to camoflage their issues and make others feel they are responsible for any discomfort or wrong the addict feels.

Don't beat yourself up about not being there. You are human. Think about how many "errors of judgement" and "behaviors" you accept from your addict simply because that is what addicts do... We have to learn to be less harsh on ourselves- it's part of being gentle to ourselves- a huge component of self-care which many of us who have historically discounted our feelings anda needs find it uncomfortable to do. It's odd that we feel we need to dwell on our mistakes for a certain amount of time- as if that is some sort of penance- in order to move on. Most importantly- did you have fun that night? Were you having a good time until you found out that news? If you were then his suicide attempt (and I do not mean to downplay this in the LEAST) allowed any positive or enjoyable parts of hte night to be replaced.

I am learning that it is a pure waste of energy to focus and dwell on the past. (I know, easier said than done!) When I am caught in my past mistakes or errors in judgement (and they are MANY) it paralyzes me in the present and prevents any sort of growth. I think that like FEAR, Dwelling on the past is also a very powerful, negative force that serves only to debilitate us in the present and prevent us from living our lives FOR TODAY in the best possible way we can.
Be gentle with yourself. You have been through a tremendous amount presently AND in the past. You deserve to give yourself a break.
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Old 04-03-2007, 05:56 AM
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Dont feel bad nothing you could have done would have changed the situation. How many times have u sat home and waited for him to arrive or how many times has he not been there for you? Dont beat yourself up over this. It was his actions nothing you did. You cant change the past and he is just trying to take the focus off HIS actions and making u feel bad for finally going on with life and enjoying it. What if your were sitting home thinking about him and he didnt do this? What if the shoe was on the other foot? Would he walk away from his drugs and run to be by your side or wait for the binge to be over? How many times has he done this to you? What you did was fine dont beat yourself up over this. Not your fault addicts blame everyone but themselves for their actions he did this not you. Your allowed to go out and be with friends and finally do things you enjoy.
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Old 04-03-2007, 05:56 AM
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If a person decides to harm themselves there is nothing we can do to stop them. And if he is blaming you for this, he is not accepting responsibility for a very bad decision. If he is active in his addiction, it will be very hard for him to get proper treatment, because a doctor just can't know where the substance ends and the mental disturbance begins.

It's not your fault. Keep telling yourself that until you believe it. If you had any control over this at all, then when you asked him to stop using he would have.

And...I hate to say this, but blaming you is definitely manipulative. "If you don't do what I say/want then I will harm myself" does not put the responsibility on you.

He needs help, I hope he gets it.

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Old 04-03-2007, 06:06 AM
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i agree with hk, you have nothing to be guilty about, i think all of this was manipulation at it finest, and its a sad thing, that puts you in a bad place cause you never know if he actually will suceed and now it puts you in a place where you are not allow to do anything that he disagree with or that doesn't cater to him. now you are afraid to take care of yourself, for fear of him killing himself. this puts you totally under his control, if you allow this to happen to you.

this is none of your fault. first, if he really meant to kill himself, why would he call you to tell you that he was gonna do it, unless he wanted you to be his savior. how far did you say that you were away?

i thik that you did a good thing, you call the police, so as to get him so help. personally i probably would have done what you did and would do it again the next time. if it worked this time and he knows that you feel so responsible, it just may very well be a next time. he may think that he can control your every move with sucide threats, this makes for a very uncomfortable situation for you. you are not responsible for his actions at all. sorry, but i think that your bf wants to controll you and you are not obligated to be controlled by his actions. you did the right thing, and i pray that if there is a next time, for which i hope not, that you would do the same thing in a heart beat. this has nothing to do with you and its not your fautl, please don't take the blame for this. love ya
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Old 04-03-2007, 09:45 AM
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I feel for you tiff. every time I go places or try to enjoy myself . My AH will call me 100 times. And its always to make me feel bad or to tell me he needs something.. and usually it works . I end up feeling bad for going and go back home. But, not anymore. Beleive when you have had enough you will know it. But, it doesn't stop you freom feeling guilty. Just keep your head up and know you did nothing wrong.. I even told him I was coming to this site to get me some help on how to deal with everything. He replied with, that place only causes divorces. No when I stand up for myself on what I will deal wit hand what I wont he blames this site. This site just helped me see I a mnot alone. And gives me strength when I feel low. I visited this site over a month before I ever posted. Now I am here everyday. So keep coming here and go to a meeting and you will see things from a different side.
Hugs to you ...
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Old 04-03-2007, 10:31 AM
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I agree with HK too.

If we try, and are creative, we can find a way to blame ourselves for everything that our addicts do to themselves. Be gentle with yourself.

You are a wife, not a wet nurse. If someone decides to end their life, there is absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing you can do about it. If someone wants to manipulate the people around them into acting a certain way, they will set up a suicide attempt and then call around and tell people beforehand. (this from someone who has lost two very beloved people to suicide)

Even if you HADN'T been impaired, the right thing to do would be to send the police.

None of this changes the fact that he needs to take responsibility for his own life, and instead he is placing all of the blame on you.

Typical addict behavior. I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's true.

Sorry he's in pain -- if he were in active recovery, getting help, getting clean, this would likely not be an issue. Are you responsible for that too?

Take care of YOU. He is responsible for HIM. You can love him, but you cannot make him love himself...he has to take responsibility for building that, and you can be at his beck and call 24/7 and still he will be sick. Until he tries.

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Old 04-03-2007, 10:35 AM
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do not feel guilty. this is not your fault.the addict is all about blame no matter what the circumstances are.let it go. i hope he is ready for help. hugs,
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Old 04-03-2007, 10:50 AM
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I noticed the same think "wayconfused" said. Every time I went anywhere fun, it seemed to panic my a. I came to believe, that he was worried, that I might just start doing some of the things HE was up to, and he couldn’t stand the thought of that. (After all, he DID know what HE would do, if he was out without ME!).

Manipulation at it’s extreme, in your case, I suspect.
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Old 04-03-2007, 10:57 AM
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My ex husband did the same thing to me.. AFTER we were SEPARATED.

It was his attempt to manipulate/copntrol me. I felt guilty until I figured this out.

His life to live or not. He would call me and I would call 9-1-1 and go on doing whatever I was doing.
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Old 04-03-2007, 11:42 AM
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Thank you all. I know deep inside it is not my fault, but it is still nice to hear it from people other than myself! Elana- We just seperated too... I think that is another reason why he was so angry.

Love and prayers to all-
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Old 04-03-2007, 11:54 AM
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He did it before we were separated as well, but it escalated after. Eventually he had so many 9-1-1 calls and attempts he was committed to the State hospital for mentally ill people. He died 8 months later of a heart attack.

None of this was my fault. He was mentally ill and depressed since he was age 10 and he was playing with matches and got a fire going that burned the family farm's main barn down.. after harvest was done. He carried the guilt of that to his grave. He was mentally ill for 57 years.
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Old 04-03-2007, 12:01 PM
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Elana- I am sorry to hear about your exah, that makes me feel so sad that he couldn't find his way- like all addicts in their active addiction I guess.

I just pray that my AH gets into a treatment center and really holds on for dear life or I'm afriad he will end up dead.

Again, I am sorry to hear of your loss, but you sound like you are doing really well, congrats to you.
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Old 04-03-2007, 01:43 PM
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You WERE there for him when you called the police! You should be proud of yourself, as that must have been really hard to do.
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Old 04-03-2007, 02:07 PM
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Posts: 478 was not your fault and could never be your fault no matter what he says. i don't want to sound like I am shrugging off the severity of the situation, I'm not, but really that was manipulation at its best coming out from desperation. It really upsets me that he used his attempt to get at your emotions. You do not hold his life in your hands. He is the creator of his own destiny. I am sorry for the emotional roller coaster you are probably going through right now.
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Old 04-03-2007, 02:48 PM
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Listen to Cupicake! She's one smart cookie! Er...I mean...Cupi!
Now I need snack lol!
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Old 04-03-2007, 04:00 PM
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wait a minute...He is suicidal, you are out having fun with friends, I am not making light here but I know that if I wanted to kill myself, I would just do it. It almost seems like another manipulation to me. I don't trust any of them anymore[I'm sorry, it just does not seem fair that he laid this on you]. He is a grown up, and one more thing, you weren't there for him when he needed you????Has he been there for you?...Please...don't feel guilty...Read your story as if I wrote it, what would you tell me?...Love Marian
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Old 04-03-2007, 04:35 PM
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One word: Manipulation.
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Old 04-03-2007, 05:21 PM
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when my husband tried to committ suicide he was angry with me for calling 911. he said i had betrayed him and that we would no longer be together once all of this was straightened out. also, he was angry that i left him at home alone. i had gone to the salon - the 1st time in 6 months - to get a hair cut and he said that if i hadnt been selfish wanting to "pamper" myself, that none of this would have happened. i actually believed that i was wrong for leaving the house and felt so much like you do now - if only i had been there, it wouldnt have happened. but the truth is, i cant be with him 24/7 and i wasnt selfish for going out and it was going to happen whether i was there or not. i couldnt control it, no matter what i did. later, at the mental hospital, the doctor talked to me and explained that my husband had so much shame and embarrassment about himself from his drug addiction, his behavior while he was using, and finally trying to committ suicide because of the drugs, that he needed someone else to blame for the situation because it was just too much for him take in. i thought that was a good way to look at it and it made me feel a lot better about my role that night it all happened.

praying for you and your family tiffanyloveshim - you will get through this.
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Old 04-03-2007, 05:59 PM
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tif-I agree with everyone , he is manipulating you .
I rmbr my mom telling me once after my dad was sober for abt a year ,
that you imagine when they quit drinking they will go immediately back to the person they were before and like magic all your troubles go away .
well like the rest of us , she learned the hard way . they still have all the same bad relationship skills and communication skills . lying and manipulating are a way of life for them for so long , unfortunately it takes a long time for that to change . its a long road but he is on it and thats a big plus .

lots of luck & prayers for you and your family , i wish him well
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