Just some...stuff...
When I was considering the question of staying with my a or going NC, (Completely and for good)...
What I found was that I could come up with a convincing argument for either choice, depending on whether I focused on what I loved about him, or what I didn’t like…
The only way I was able to decide, was to completely remove my addict from the equation, and only ask myself if I liked MY life, the way it is right now.
If I could have any kind of life I desired, would I choose this one?
Without hesitation, my answer was”NO”! And this is the ONLY life I get! How sad!
I found that when I removed the “relationship” factor, I really wasn’t doing many things that I truly enjoyed. Things that brought me real joy and contentment!
I REMEMBER a time when I was not like that. I was just …me…. I was happier, more relaxed, and a lot more fun to hang out with.
(Ultimately he became extremely physical abusive, towards the end, so that made the choice for me actually.).
I had it very, very tough when I first left, (In the DV shelter, my life was anything but, my own. It’s a very controlling, isolating environment, and definitely a “last resort” only!)
It’s been several months since I left, and I am glad I did. I am very creative and I still look forward to creating a life I actually LOVE!
(Sometimes, I feel so greedy and protective of my time, my thoughts, my energy… I don’t know if I’ll ever want to share me with anyone, ever again LOL! )
Now though, I am struggling with, not letting the pain and anxiety of my abusive relationship, transfers into fear of future mistreatment! Lately, I seem to be feeling the same emotions that I had while I was in that relationship and I keep looking for a different cause. I am beginning to suspect that it’s just …I don’t know…habit? A conditioned emotional cycle? PTSD?
One day I’ll be optimistic, and then a couple days later, I feel so depressed and I can barely stand it! I can’t believe I’m getting in my own way like this!
I hope to God this is just a transitional period, maybe I’m just expecting too much, too soon? Why does every little set-back seem like such a big deal these days?!
JSM~is grumpy today.