Elana - you know what? You (once again) took the words right off the page for me...
I went to a meeting tonight, and only my sponsor was there. We haven't really had a time to talk, so it was awesome. She was trying to get me into the third step - which I am really working but not quite "there" yet on. She told me to go home, read the third step over and over again from the Big Book, and try to actually sit down (hard for me) and just think (also hard for me) and try to figure out places where God's working in my life.
I think I already know that the "tingly" feelings are here for a reason - not even so much to do with this particular man, but just showing me that I am able to feel that way again... yes, it may seem a little "quick" for me, but as a lot of you know, if it is over with an active addict... it's really already been over for a long time. The breaking up part was just a formality. It has been in the grave since before he got arrested, which was 6months ago, almost 7.
I feel alive again. Not just with this guy - I've been feeling it for awhile now. The fact that Spring is here is just icing on the cake. Watching new things grow... whether it is an animal, or a flower, or even my own feelings... such renewal. There were so many times when I didn't think I could feel that way.
This man also happens to be at that point in his life - he is starting over after a divorce, and from our limited contact he seems to be very upbeat and positive about life - and you know what? If we could be friends and kinda "share" that for awhile, that would be pretty awesome. A new friend with a new outlook on life, that would be great.
If I take it there and he declines - yes, I will learn something too. And I know I'm not going to let the lesson fall away even in that event.
I think my answer is always where it really is - to try and give up the results, the consequences, to my HP, and then to do what feels right and see what happens.
These feelings I am having - very unexpected and refreshing. I am usually the girl who doesn't really like anyone, and then the guy likes me, and he "wears me down" into dating him... I have never actively expressed my interest and seen what happens.
I think that I am going to have to step out there in many ways in my recovery. I thought it would be so hard to talk to my sponsor - not at ALL! I thought it would be so hard to break it off with ex-ABF - not at ALL! Because I was doing what felt right by getting a sponsor and by ending the relationship.
You know what? I'm going to pray and think about it - but it feels so right to at least let this guy know that I would be interested in getting to know him. I am so glad that I can recognize and respect my own feelings today.