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Update on older man and question...

Old 03-30-2007, 03:52 PM
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Update on older man and question...

Hey all. Well, here's hoping that you all have a wonderful, peaceful weekend!

Short story - I have a crush on an older guy, and this week I saw him. We had a good little conversation, and he was flirting with me up and down, which only confirmed that I do, in fact, have a crush on him - which is nice all in itself, because I haven't felt that fun, "tingly" feeling in a really long time.

Anyway, I'm going to be seeing him sometime next week for a work-related project, and I am wondering about something. I know that, even though we have fun when we're around each other and all, this guy would probably never think of asking me out for real. He's at least ten years older than me and has kids, and just from knowing him - I don't think he would think I was interested "that way".

So I am overanalyzing and wondering if I should say something, or just come right out and say, "Well, if you ever want to hang out, I'm pretty good company" or something like that. I would really like him to know, but at the same time, I don't want to "push" anything. I'm so tired of life being push-and-shove, pull-and-prod... I would just like things to flow naturally.

I'm not of the school of thought that the man always has to be the agressor - but it has always been that way in my experience, and I'm in new territory. If there are any men out there, it would be great to hear your thoughts on whether such a move would be appreciated or at least flattering, or if it would be too much. I've just never in my life asked anyone out before, but I think if I ever want to get to know this guy, even as friends, I'm going to have to make the first move somehow.

Anyway, again - hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:09 PM
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Hey,
I'm not a man and I have been out of the dating loop for over half my life, so take this with a grain of salt.....IMHO, if you like him and he likes you, ten years isn't really that big a difference.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Trying_in_Texas View Post

So I am overanalyzing and wondering if I should say something, or just come right out and say, "Well, if you ever want to hang out, I'm pretty good company" or something like that. I would really like him to know, but at the same time, I don't want to "push" anything. I'm so tired of life being push-and-shove, pull-and-prod... I would just like things to flow naturally
in my opinion, i think that you've answered your own question, if you want things to go naturally, whats the rush? it seems already that you are spending time around this older man, don't you think that he notices that you are a fun person? i think it maybe a good idea for you to continue to work on you and let what happen happens. just my opinion. maybe a good idea to give youself time to get to know more about you, it was suggested that i take it slow for about 1 yr after the break up of one relationship, before i concider starting a new one. sure i thinks it ok to have new friends but if you are already contemplating a deeper friendship so soon, that may be a different story, but what do i know, i'm the one whos stuck on an addict and being an addict myself, i know i would have needed to wait. time will show you when its time, i think. sorry just my opinion, the choice is still yours and we'll support you no matter which way you go. still praying for ya
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:15 PM
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Jen - I'm not too worried about the age difference, but I think that it makes him feel like I would not be interested in him - that's what I'm concerned about. I actually figured I would probably end up dating an older man after all the crud I've been through with the guys I am used to choosing for myself. My list looks a little different now and includes:

1. Good job
2. Stable family life
3. Spiritual faith
4. Nice to women in general
5. Someone who's not threatened by me and can put me in my place, too


A lot of things are "off" the list now, like "being really cute", "has a fun social life" and, um, oh yeah, "needs me to take care of him".

I'm sure there are younger guys who could fit the bill, but... I'm just looking for someone to trust this time around.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:17 PM
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Hey Teke - thanks for your opinion. I appreciate it.

I don't know what I'm thinking just yet - and I probably will let it go. But I wouldn't mind having a new "friend" to maybe eat dinner with or something sometime. That's about all I need right now.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:17 PM
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Texas, speaking for myself only, I have a real hard time being direct and asking a woman out. I've always been shy and scared when it came to dating. I guess what I'm tring to say is that it's helped me at times when a woman gave some subtle hints or even did the asking herself. I really need the nudge once in awhile.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:19 PM
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Anvil... haven't been 12 in a long time. Sometimes I wish I was...

I'm definitely going to see how "next time" goes. If I still feel like it is unnatural or pushy, I'm sure I wouldn't say anything anyway. Guess I just feel like I have two left feet and two right arms when it comes to "liking" someone again after so long. Was hoping it would feel more like riding a bike and less like flying a helicopter...
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:21 PM
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Hey Astro - nice to have a man's opinion, thanks!

I feel that this guy's pretty shy too... he said something about being single or something when we saw each other last, made some comment or something, and I was doing something else, and I think he thought I thought whatever he said was weird and he completely changed the subject to something so off... he's a little unsure of himself around me, I think. Don't know what that means. He also made a joke about how I should "load up" and go with him and some friends somewhere this weekend... and I think I said, "You wouldn't know what to do with me when you got there" or something, because it was so a guy trip... and he completely changed the subject back to business then, too.

And... I just remembered this... he gets on the phone with this friend of his and says all these really nice things about me... joking, like, "Well, I've got this girl here, and she's (compliments inserted..." but never said anything like that directly to me.

So you might be right. I don't know.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:24 PM
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believe it or not i'm just so addicted minded, until i'm still afraid of hanging out with someone like your new guy who i'm already attacted to. sorry, i do understand. it just reminded me of how i met my husband. pay me no mind, like i say, i'm still stuck on an addict.LOL i wish you the best, you know that!!

btw, what does age have to do with it? 10ys is nothing, i'm 7 yrs older than my husband, and that was entirely too young for me. at least this one was.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:26 PM
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hey trying in texas., i say go for it girl....
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:27 PM
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Teke - no way, your advice is great. I should definitely consider whether or not I need to jump in to anything at all right now, and perhaps not focus so much on what I need to do or say to get this guy's attention.

It is all about balance. If I am going to try and hang out with someone new, I need to be constantly reminded of that, or things will get out of whack again. I really appreciate your comments - you are right on, girl.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:30 PM
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ok, if you say so.LOL love ya, you know i'm cheering you on as long as you stay happy.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:32 PM
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hey trying. i just thought, proceed with caution, don't let me have to try to gather up the gang, get on the codie bus, with bunny slippers and skillet on board, to come out there and whack this older man a few times, ok, LOL
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Trying_in_Texas View Post
... he's a little unsure of himself around me, I think. Don't know what that means.
I don't think the age difference is a big issue, but I'd probably feel a little unsure about someone younger than me, wondering what they saw in an older man. I dunno, maybe that's me being unsure myself;-) I think you've got your head screwed on perfectly straight about this. You go girl!
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:51 PM
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Hi Trying,

I'd just play this one by ear, all the while enjoying that tingly feeling. It's a wonderful, alive feeling, isn't it?

Wait 'til after your next meeting, and reassess. Then wait a while longer if you still feel funny about it.

Age means nothing, honestly. It's also no guarantee they're more "trustworthy" so be cautious of that! If he's attractive to you, that's good enough for me.

One of the smarter things I ever said, when I was attracted to somebody but didn't want to turn them off by being overly-aggressive, was to invite them to common-interest kinds of things that I'd invite a woman friend to. I once blurted out to a guy, "You know, if you wanted to go to that concert and didn't feel like going by yourself or with the boys, I'd be happy to be your date. I think it'd be a hoot."

I still say that to him, actually Guess it WAS a hoot. Follow your fun-meter too. Don't dive into anything unless it feels flowing and natural.

Love,
GL
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Old 03-30-2007, 05:17 PM
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Why don't you simply ask him if he would like to go to dinner and a movie? Ask the kids too if they are old enough .. like the Last Mimzy or something...

OK.. it is out of your comfort zone and maybe he will say NO but maybe he will say yes?
You have nothing to lose. He will say yes and then time will tell or he will say no lets just stay friends and nothing changes.

This isn't rocket science.. and you are not pushing, pulling, prodding etc. you are just afraid he will say no. "No" is a word. It isn't the end of the world!

My husband was 18 years my senior.. It ain't the age, its the MILEAGE.
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Old 03-30-2007, 05:22 PM
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this is sooo silly...I'm excited for you....love and wonderful things for you...Marian
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Old 03-30-2007, 05:37 PM
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Yeah, I agree.. age is only History.. so what he has a little more. I don't think that would be the issue, plus what guy would not want a younger woman??? I say you wait until your meeting next week.. and just play it by ear... and if the meeting is about to end and you feel a need to make the move, suggest something like "hey, I had a great time, let's do it again soon" just throw the ball out there.. don't hum it.. know-what-I-mean? If nothing comes of it.. oh well. Also he might be a little hesitant if its work related??!?!?! Just be careful and have fun!!!!
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Old 03-30-2007, 06:18 PM
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What is that saying about "slow and easy wins the race". Enjoy the flirting and the friendship. I think if anything more is going to happen you will know. And some opportunity will come up where it will just be natural for the two of you to get together. Sounds like he likes you Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-30-2007, 07:11 PM
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Thanks all.

Astro - I too don't think that he would really think the age difference is a big deal. If I were 18, I would hope that he would. But I'm 25. And an old 25 with a house and job and all the normal things a "grown up" has too. But yeah - I feel like he was kind of feeling the exchange but, when he'd throw something out there, he'd feel stupid and reel it on back in.

If it goes well this next time and I still like him, I think I'll just throw it out there. Just, "Well, if you want to do something outside of work, you know how to find me, and I think we'd have fun" or something.

Elana - I am worried about the "no". But you know... I kind of am starting to think it is worth throwing the danged ball into his court, just 'cause I don't want it anymore!
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