decision to make
hey everyone...I have not been here much the last couple months but I lurk on and off...I went approx 3 months clean and sober from weed and alcohol then had a setback...I really wanted to quit and threw everything I had into it but ended up using. The first 5 or 6 weeks I did it using a balanced approach combining medication(paxil/now cymbalta),exercise, diet,once a week therapy,reading, etc. It wasn't easy, lots of cravings...I had been adamant in the beginning about avoiding 12 step groups but I ended up attending meetings thinking they would help. They are every bit as suckful as the last time around...but I "kept coming back", and indeed did start feeling differently about my recovery much to my therapists delight. This is my first time in talk therapy and recovery at the same time and I think I want her seal of approval more than anything so I kept going...Then last weekend I walked out of a 12 step meeting feeling humiliated,appalled,and flat out rage at my situation. I went straight to the pot spot and the beer spot and came home and got high as a georgia pine and drank 8 beers, listened to the red hot chilli peppers and rejoiced in my escape...until the next day when I realized that I had not been able to quit. My therapist thinks that I need to get back in...she says one hr a week with her is not going to be enough to overcome 20 years of partying(with 4-5 years of that time taking pit stops for dui/wife probs/etc) . I was abused and trashed when I was a child and my therapist thinks that aa can somehow become some sort of mini child hood for me and heal me. I just can not understand how some thing that makes me feel so humiliated and shamed could possibly be good for me.First I have an incurable,progressive and fatal disease thats not my fault and not under my control.Then I am told that the treatment is for me to basically turn my self over,give up control to this group for some type of spiritual transfusion...I am scared ******** of these people and this program...I am going to resume my sobriety and go to smart meeting in a local town...I get the feeling even this is going to be seen as less than but I can talk to people there...should I be worried about aa like I am...