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decision to make

Old 03-30-2007, 06:51 PM
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mjs
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decision to make

hey everyone...I have not been here much the last couple months but I lurk on and off...I went approx 3 months clean and sober from weed and alcohol then had a setback...I really wanted to quit and threw everything I had into it but ended up using. The first 5 or 6 weeks I did it using a balanced approach combining medication(paxil/now cymbalta),exercise, diet,once a week therapy,reading, etc. It wasn't easy, lots of cravings...I had been adamant in the beginning about avoiding 12 step groups but I ended up attending meetings thinking they would help. They are every bit as suckful as the last time around...but I "kept coming back", and indeed did start feeling differently about my recovery much to my therapists delight. This is my first time in talk therapy and recovery at the same time and I think I want her seal of approval more than anything so I kept going...Then last weekend I walked out of a 12 step meeting feeling humiliated,appalled,and flat out rage at my situation. I went straight to the pot spot and the beer spot and came home and got high as a georgia pine and drank 8 beers, listened to the red hot chilli peppers and rejoiced in my escape...until the next day when I realized that I had not been able to quit. My therapist thinks that I need to get back in...she says one hr a week with her is not going to be enough to overcome 20 years of partying(with 4-5 years of that time taking pit stops for dui/wife probs/etc) . I was abused and trashed when I was a child and my therapist thinks that aa can somehow become some sort of mini child hood for me and heal me. I just can not understand how some thing that makes me feel so humiliated and shamed could possibly be good for me.First I have an incurable,progressive and fatal disease thats not my fault and not under my control.Then I am told that the treatment is for me to basically turn my self over,give up control to this group for some type of spiritual transfusion...I am scared shitless of these people and this program...I am going to resume my sobriety and go to smart meeting in a local town...I get the feeling even this is going to be seen as less than but I can talk to people there...should I be worried about aa like I am...
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Old 03-30-2007, 07:29 PM
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Hi Mjs,

AA has it's own culture and language and has a real new religious movement feel to it, IMO, but there really isn't anything to be afraid of. Nobody is going to force anything on you. However, there are plenty that will tell you that if you don't accept AA doctine, you won't make it. And some can be very condescending about it. It's a tough spot to be in, when you just want some peer support, and 12-Step based groups are the only option. I've never been to a SMART meeting, but I've been to a few LifeRing meetings in CA.

What happened at that last meeting?

DK
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Old 03-30-2007, 07:53 PM
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mjs
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nothing at that specific meeting...I just had hoped aa had changed/I went into it with a good heart but it did not help...
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Old 03-30-2007, 11:42 PM
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Hi mjs, hope you're doing OK today. I wondered why you felt so humiliated, shamed, appalled at going to AA? I couldn't really tell from your email. Is it something that was specifically said to you? Or was it the general atmosphere? It's important not misunderstand some words and phrases that are used. "Turning yourself over" doesn't mean being brainwashed or turned into a zombie. It means, as i understand it anyway, not allowing fear and rage and shame to be your dominant emotions - the emotions that leave you more and more bottled up inside yourself, banging on the walls of your self. Instead of that, its about trying instead to cultivate calm and peace, that will leave you open to the world and to other people. It's not about giving yourself up to a group, it's about giving yourself up to living.

Now I sound like an old hippy. Oh well.

Let us know how the smart thing went. I've never been to one of those.
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Old 03-31-2007, 02:36 AM
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MJS;
I hope the SMART meetings help and look forward to reading about it.

Shalom!
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Old 03-31-2007, 04:41 AM
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Hi MJS and welcome.

Relapses are common in recovery, I've sure had my share.

I like to read that you've put together a plan and have identified triggers that caused it. Since you were able to keep it together for three months(awesome!) it proves that you can do it.

If the AA meetings are not to your liking, no need to attend them. Group dynamics can be tough to overcome no matter who the group is, so why take on that challenge. I don't believe that you have to prove anything to anyone, as long as you feel that your recovery is working for you.

Don't let the slip get you down. Reexamine where you are and where you want to be. Set your goals(as you have done) and have at it. Make the choices that benefit your recovery, and change those that aren't helping.We are not our behaviour, and behaviour can be changed by making choices.

Here's an article from Smart Recovery, Who Controls You: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resourc...ntrols_You.pdf

Personally, giving my self control to any group or higher power simply was not an option for me. This concept is completely incomprehensible to me. I also realized that to recover I had to abstain, making the right choices for myself.



Good luck and keep well

Ron
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Old 03-31-2007, 03:52 PM
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Thanks for your post and for being so open about your difficulties.

I have to say I'm just glad that you have an alternative to try and I hope the SMART meetings give you the impetus and support that you need.

I can fully understand that AA isn't for some people. I personally am of the opinion - and I know it's contentious, but it's an opinion - that anyone at all, and without exception can get sober in AA. But I do think that some members think that that means that anyone at all can get sober in AA only, or that only AA can get anyone sober. Neither of these are true. Lots of people get sober in other ways. But getting sober has certain things in common, regardless how you do it. And not picking up the first drink or spliff just because something has "caused" us to get wound up is universal. Or rather - realising that what I have in common with every other drunk is that something always "causes" me to pick up and it's "never" my responsibility.

How you square that circle is down to you.

Best wishes - sincerely
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Old 04-02-2007, 05:21 AM
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Sometimes we had to do things we don't like to do.
mmm...like looking up the words humility and
humiliated.

it 's hard to be humble if you're just so damn slick,
hip and cool....when my (sponsor)dortoc show up in a flannel
shirt and jeans to a AA meeting and dosn't annouce
his occupation. i guess at first glance..he probably
looks like a bum.

I dun no..I think changes is about changing ourselve
instead of changing everything else and everyone around us.

You defernently can't say AA dosen't work
How could u , if you never worked it.

it dosn't matter what program you choose to work.
You can't drink or use to work anyone of them.

There's plenty of selfhelp book out in the market too.
They all say....don't drink or use in order to wrok
on whatever is recommended.

No matter where you go...there you are.
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Old 04-02-2007, 08:47 AM
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Nothing like a little humble condescension to start your day...
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