Thank you Teke. You know I have been struggling with this for a long time now. Ann, you are so right. I would love for the old person I love to call me. Right now, he is so messed up, that he would surely be wanting something. As I thought back last night to the one phone call I had, I realized that he was just hoping I would come through with more money for dope. He wanted to come home. He knew if he came home, he would get something to eat, a bath, and some cigarettes. Then, he would figure out some way to get some more money, or steal some more stuff to use to get high.
Like the other lady said earlier, I am caught up in his web. He outsmarts me many times. For them to be so messed up, they sure are sharp with manipulation. Their brains are so twisted. I think my brain is twisted for putting up with this. I can't think of any other time, I would have just sat back and let somebody steal from me, over and over again. Or how about, how I could be so forgiving, over and over again? Part of it, I think, is because through all of the muddy waters of addiction, there is a bond of love between us that is hard to break. I know I can't ride this roller coaster much longer without going insane. I will try not to dwell on him so much.
I can't afford the gas to get to the meetings an hour away, so SR is really all I have. The insight here has been fabulous. I know I need counseling, but I can't afford it. My mind is so fragmented. I know I have to take one day at a time and try to pull out of this slump. Thank you for the support.