Another Saturday night alone....

Old 03-24-2007, 09:30 PM
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Another Saturday night alone....

My ABF left Thurs. nite, more than a week ago. I have had one phone call. He called at 12:30 am Wed. morning, after six days out. He wanted me to come get him. He had his truck, but no gas. He was two hours away, and I had to work the next morning. I told him I couldn't miss work, and I asked him to call me the next day, and I would see what I could do. I haven't heard from him since.

I have made up my mind that there is no way I can live with his active addiction. As it is now, I don't see how he could think we still even have a relationship. Still, there is no closure. I don't want him to come back. I really don't want him back at home, but I am sitting here all by myself wondering why he won't at least call. He didn't even have a change of clothes. How would I know if he was dead or alive? The last thing he told me when he hung up was that he loved me. I told him the same thing.

This disease has certainly been progressive in the past year. At first, he was only going out once a week. Then it turned into every three or four days. He would be gone maybe 17 hours. Then it turned into 2-3 days. Now, it has progressed to this. The last two times he was gone a week and then ten days. Now, who knows when I will hear from him? It's been ten days. How can they do this to people they are supposed to love? How can they live like this?

I am going on with my life. I got someone to mow the yard today. My mower doesn't work. I went to the grocery store. I have my pay check. I still can't stop the pain. At first, I was so mad at him, I turned his picture around so I didn't have to look at it. Today, I turned it back around. I really miss this guy. I feel like an alien has taken over his mind and body. I just would like a call---just a call. He knows he needs help. He knows he's killing himself. Still, he just won't make a committment to stop smoking that crack pipe.

I am tired of hiding my money, the tools, and my valuables. I am tired of things coming up missing. I am tired of the messes he makes in the house. He hasn't spent the night in the same bed with me for weeks. He says he's too restless, and he doesn't want to disturb me. He sleeps in intervals. He never gets a full night's sleep. He can't stay awake through a whole movie, but he never sleeps all night. After ten days, though, it's getting pretty lonely. I need to move on with my life, but something keeps holding me back. What is it? Why is it so hard for us to walk away from these relationships that are doomed from the beginning?

A phone call wouldn't kill him.
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Old 03-24-2007, 09:33 PM
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(((Hugs))) No, a phone call wouldn't kill him, but when my AH calls me after a few days....it sends ME into the tail spin. Just take it one day at a time. I know it hurts, let it for now. Tomorrow is a new day ! One that has great things in store for YOU !!!

You are never alone here. Much love to you.
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Old 03-24-2007, 10:08 PM
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Tail Spin?

What do you mean about the tail spin?
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Old 03-25-2007, 04:30 AM
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Faith, I know this is a sad time for you but I always found "sad" better than living in the midst of chaos.

I think you would like the "old him" to call, the person who isn't addicted and who makes sense, yes? Sadly, if he did call and if he is still actively using, he would just try to manipulate you to give him money or be angry because you have found your own peace.

Maybe today just find something to do that will make you less sad. Go for a walk of meet a friend for coffee, find a meeting or read a good book, but just for today know that you don't have to live in the sadness of his addiction.

Hugs
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Old 03-25-2007, 05:35 AM
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sorry that this is happening and that you are hurting, when my rah were together, he would disappear too. i too got tired of the missing things and hiding all of my personal things. this is just what living with an addict is all about. maybe its time for you to come up with a plan to save yourself, it won't get better until you decide to make a change for your own life, since there is no way you can make him change. he'll have to want to change for himself and it may take for him to hit rock bottom on his own, for that to happen. you don't have to hit rock bottom with him. the choice is yours.

i had to physically seperate myself from my husband, his behavior was making me crazy. i'm not telling you that you have to though, thats your call. at first, i wanted to be there for him , and i did the same things that you are doing now, all the worring and wondering. i had to learn to seperate myself emotionally and financially first,then when i was more able to seperate physically. i suggest that you look deep inside and think about what you want your life to look like in the near future, and work toward that goal.

its hard to do, but maybe if you could somehow, take the focus completely off of him and turn the focus completely on to yourself and do all you know to do, you may find life a little easier. its takes a commitment on your part, to work on you and what you want out of life. you deserve more out of life, and you can get better with or without him. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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Old 03-25-2007, 06:02 AM
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Thank you Teke. You know I have been struggling with this for a long time now. Ann, you are so right. I would love for the old person I love to call me. Right now, he is so messed up, that he would surely be wanting something. As I thought back last night to the one phone call I had, I realized that he was just hoping I would come through with more money for dope. He wanted to come home. He knew if he came home, he would get something to eat, a bath, and some cigarettes. Then, he would figure out some way to get some more money, or steal some more stuff to use to get high.

Like the other lady said earlier, I am caught up in his web. He outsmarts me many times. For them to be so messed up, they sure are sharp with manipulation. Their brains are so twisted. I think my brain is twisted for putting up with this. I can't think of any other time, I would have just sat back and let somebody steal from me, over and over again. Or how about, how I could be so forgiving, over and over again? Part of it, I think, is because through all of the muddy waters of addiction, there is a bond of love between us that is hard to break. I know I can't ride this roller coaster much longer without going insane. I will try not to dwell on him so much.

I can't afford the gas to get to the meetings an hour away, so SR is really all I have. The insight here has been fabulous. I know I need counseling, but I can't afford it. My mind is so fragmented. I know I have to take one day at a time and try to pull out of this slump. Thank you for the support.
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Old 03-25-2007, 01:52 PM
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If you do not have gas money to go to a meeting, why would you even consider going to pick him up?

A bond of love, it doesn't work that way...both partners must give 100%, day in and day out. What of a positive nature is he contributing to this realtionship?

Write yourself a list of the positives and the negatives of your staying in this relationship, hang it on your frig, look at it every day, update it as needed.
After a week or two, see how it shakes down...your answer will be there in black and white.

Time to let your brain do the job it was intended to do, think, your heart was not designed to do the thinking, and thus will never answer the eternal question...WHY?...
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Old 03-25-2007, 02:17 PM
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Dolly, you are absolutely right! I am printing your email and putting "IT" on the fridge. The good doesn't outweigh the bad. The disease has progressively gotten worse. I tried to tell him it would. He agreed, but he kept chasing the high. If I had known in the beginning what I know now, I don't believe I would have ever gotten into this mess. He's been gone 11 days now. I don't know what he's been doing, who he has been doing it with, or even where he is. I still can't help but want a phone call to know if he is still alive. I am lonesome and miserable---because I miss him. Bottom line is: You are right. I don't need this in my life. He is too far out there. I read Pernell's posts. They were very helpful. It made me realize that if I take him back in, I will just be hurting him in the long run. I have done that many times. I'm not closing the door on the relationship, but there has to be a change. He has to decide to get clean and stay clean, or this has to be the end of us. I know I can survive. Obviously, he can survive without me. If he's not dead, he has survived 11 days without me. The damage has been done. I know I have to work through this somehow. It hurts, but I know I have to let go of my hurt and not let him back in to keep doing the same things over and over again, and expecting different results.

Thank you.
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Old 03-25-2007, 02:26 PM
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Sweetie, I know it hurts, to the very core of your soul...however, it's not going to get any better any time soon.

He will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or non-active.

You may be missing the drama, you are not alone, you have you. We were born alone, and all will die alone.

I am by myself, and I like my company, I am alone, but, not lonely...I was lonely when I lived with ex-abf, and he was in the same room.

It's all a matter of attitude, a negative attitude produces negative results, a positive attitude produces positive results...not my plan, just how it works.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go forward, loving you first...now, that will produce positive results...guaranteed, I am living proof.

Hugs,
Dolly
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Old 03-25-2007, 03:05 PM
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would it help you if you made a conscience decision to force yourself to think about something other than him for a minute at a time. i mean, focus on something else. think about it this way, just for today. he has a license, he has id, if something happens to him, somebody will call you, if you don't hear anything then he must be ok, maybe still using somehow.

i think that sometimes my rah would make that one phone call just to see what frame of mind i was in, to see if he still had a home, and if he detected that i was kind of ok, then he didn't worry about coming or calling for a little longer. i'm sorry faith, he's doing this cause he thinks that he can continue to get away with it. as long as he has someone to pick him up when he's down, he has a warm landing pad, food and all the other nessessities of life, he's more able to supply his own drug habit, why would he want to stop. he's an addict. maybe it time for you to step aside a little bit and allow him to reach his rock bottom. that maybe the only way that he'll have a chance to get sick enough for him to want to seek help.

i know it hard to do, but what if you could look at whatever decision you make, like you only have to do it for one day. sometimes when we think like way off into the future, it makes it so much harder to do. try to stay in the day that you're in, and only think about tomorrow when it comes, knowing that you can, if you want, always change your mind. might make things a little easier for ya. he's not gonna call or come until he's ready and there is nothing you can do, but what you know you need to do to keep this behavior from continuly effecting you like you said. whatever you do, don't have to be forever, unless you want it to.

i had to make myself not think about what my husband was doing or who with, only made me sicker. hope this helps a little.
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Old 03-25-2007, 03:26 PM
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Hi Faith123 - I know you would love to hear your BF voice but it will be the ABF who calls. I haven't talked to my daughter in weeks only the AD. As advised here before "look after yourself" and that other one I like "Prepare for the worst - Hope for the best."
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