WOW!!
Thanks for this post- I really needed it today.
For two entire months I felt disconnected from my bf. Previously we had had a very close relationship- connected. Suddenly he pulled away. He had violent mood swings and kept denying the fact that anything was different, making it out to be as though it was my overwhelming insecurities that was causing me to feel as though things were different.
So as is typical of me- I assumed that he was right- that the malfunctioning lied in me, that I was too codependent, too needy, too unheathily attached to him- I was the one lacking. I turned this entire change inward and I went through a tremendous amount of physical (near anxiety attacks) and emotional pain attempting to "right" myself.
I'm still trying to give myself the validation that I deserve someone to make me happy. It's amazing how putting up with less than we deserve brainwashes us to believe we deserve that.
I am sad to say I could not validate this ill feeling of something being "wrong" myself. I had to have a friend of my bf's bring me into awareness. I had to have one of my best friends listen to a voicemail he left on my phone and tell me he was slurring- as an outsider's observation. I had to google "signs of heroin use" on the internet to alert me that the physical symptoms he was exhibiting were not "just because he was tired."
I feel VERY betrayed and often I am angry at myself for letting him back into my life so quickly when he put me through a tremendous amount of pain. I sometimes wonder if I am blaming the addiction when I should be blaming the person- if I am being naive. I'm still very new to this- learning that there is a better way to live than thinking I am unworthy of many things and that there is a way to love myself.
I am still doubting things now. I am truly learning though that this is a disease - esp the codependency part- I have truthfully always believed I was born - too complex and complicated and naturally flawed and undeserving.
One thing it did show me was that in more ways than one I can trust my gut feelings- that somewhere inside of me is a wise woman.