Hi sickofit.
As a user i can only say this. Don't kill yourself trying to make sense of it. Because the user themselves usually can't either. That's why we addicts need help. I don't think there is an answer as to why. It's just how the drugs do to people. Consequence means nothing in the heat of the moment. I stopped trying to figure out why and started trying to figure out how. BUT I made that decision on my own. I am still on that path.
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish you the best.