sad monday morning
Hi everyone.
I haven't seen my AH in many weeks. But today we are meeting in a public place to exchange some belongings.
It is such a sad situation. For the most part I feel "strong" but it is just so heartbreaking to see this man such a wreck. He claims to be "not drinking" but obviously is (many voicemails/emails that reek of liquor).
These voicemails are heartwrenching. He cries. And pleads like a child for me to come to him. It is just too much. I know, I know, I shouldn't listen. But I have to. I know that the marriage is over, but I still really care about this man. I just wish I could get through to him...he is so mentally NOT ok...the drinking has made him into a crazy person. But what a vicious drug!!! He still can function enough to keep his job (til now) and convince his parents that the reason I left him was due to MY craziness and not his drinking. He has guarded well his sad little alcoholic world. He is all alone in a hotel room everynight drinking.
In January, when I, with the doctor, convinced him to check into detox, I still had some hope. I really thought that when he got out, that he'd be back to his normal self. Nope. The 4 days of not drinking almost made him even more crazy. He went right back to the sauce. He's been denying the drinking ever since to the whole world.
There was a small window of time when I think I might have gone back to him. I told him after detox, if he got a therapist, went to AA, and never took another drink I would spend time with him. He did none of these things. And now cries to me that I am killing him by leaving him.
I don't think there are adjectives strong enough to describe how sad addiction is. It robs the soul and mind. A controllable mental illness. But the catch is that the addict has to have a moment of sanity in his craziness in order to climb out! For some A's, this will never happen.
I've been doing a good job of being detached for the most part...but there are some tough moments...it's just so hard, as all of you know, to leave a mentally ill person alone to "deal with it" and "get help when they ask and are ready to be helped". But I can't force him to get help. And I can't be with him when he crazy and drinking.