Sophia57

Hello
I've posted this in the 12 step support forum too so I hope that's ok. I've no one to talk to and I feel panic coming on. Some of you might remember me, I dont post much but I have a big crisis.

I'm married 3 years now, know him 6. He told me early on he was a recovering alcoholic very active in AA and I learned a lot about the disease, tho have never experienced active drinking.

The situation now is he's extremely unhappy, we've had a lot of stress iwth family illnesses, legal wrangling with the mother of his 14 year old (court case on the way), he lost the job of his dreams in his drinking days and is now in a job he hates, but at 51 is afraid to leave in case he wont get another, but wont go looking for one either, preferring to try to change the system and living in constant conflict with management. He's been ill many times with stress since we married, procrastinates most things, has a very short fuse and in general is difficult to live with.

Having said all that, he's a very kind man and can be very loving, just terribly self absorbed. I think I still love him, I'm so overwhelmed i cant sort out my own feelings and I cant afford a counsellor at all.

At the weekend he suddenly started taking one night and told me what was going on in his head..I was so shocked. i had no idea things were this bad with him. he's losing faith with AA, wonders if he should have got married and for the first time in 15 years is thinking of drinking again because..why not?

I know there's nothing I can do. I'm powerless over what he decides but I'm hurting badly. He hasnt referred to this conversation since and I'm living in dread.

Since we married and moved in together life has been much harder, day to day there's some crises or other, some meltdown or tantrum. I'm not a confrontational person and hate it all. He knows all that. I have set boundaries but recently it seems he doesnt care anymore if he upsets me cos his head is in such a mess. I went to Alanon for a while and then due to circumstances and things seemed better I stopped..bad idea.
I'm searching now for a meeting but there are very few here I can get to - the one I used to go to has stopped.

He says he has this huge anger inside of him and wont hear of going to a counsellor...believies they're charlatans.No amount of pleading will change his mind.

Thanks for listening
Sophia