Please talk to me...desperate

Old 03-06-2007, 01:59 AM
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Please talk to me...desperate

Hello
I've posted this in the 12 step support forum too so I hope that's ok. I've no one to talk to and I feel panic coming on. Some of you might remember me, I dont post much but I have a big crisis.

I'm married 3 years now, know him 6. He told me early on he was a recovering alcoholic very active in AA and I learned a lot about the disease, tho have never experienced active drinking.

The situation now is he's extremely unhappy, we've had a lot of stress iwth family illnesses, legal wrangling with the mother of his 14 year old (court case on the way), he lost the job of his dreams in his drinking days and is now in a job he hates, but at 51 is afraid to leave in case he wont get another, but wont go looking for one either, preferring to try to change the system and living in constant conflict with management. He's been ill many times with stress since we married, procrastinates most things, has a very short fuse and in general is difficult to live with.

Having said all that, he's a very kind man and can be very loving, just terribly self absorbed. I think I still love him, I'm so overwhelmed i cant sort out my own feelings and I cant afford a counsellor at all.

At the weekend he suddenly started taking one night and told me what was going on in his head..I was so shocked. i had no idea things were this bad with him. he's losing faith with AA, wonders if he should have got married and for the first time in 15 years is thinking of drinking again because..why not?

I know there's nothing I can do. I'm powerless over what he decides but I'm hurting badly. He hasnt referred to this conversation since and I'm living in dread.

Since we married and moved in together life has been much harder, day to day there's some crises or other, some meltdown or tantrum. I'm not a confrontational person and hate it all. He knows all that. I have set boundaries but recently it seems he doesnt care anymore if he upsets me cos his head is in such a mess. I went to Alanon for a while and then due to circumstances and things seemed better I stopped..bad idea.
I'm searching now for a meeting but there are very few here I can get to - the one I used to go to has stopped.

He says he has this huge anger inside of him and wont hear of going to a counsellor...believies they're charlatans.No amount of pleading will change his mind.

Thanks for listening
Sophia
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Old 03-06-2007, 02:43 AM
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Sophia,

Deep breath.....slow....deep....breath!! OK.....

Sorry to say it sounds like he's getting ready for a relapse. My ex got very negative about AA (called it a cult), started conversing with his drinking buddies again (his ex mainly), was negative about life, about us, about everything, and in the blink of an eye, down the hill he went.

If he doesn't or won't help himself, that doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't help yourself! Doesn't your H have medical insurance at work? Are you on the plan? Maybe you could find a counselor for yourself that way at an affordable price. I mean, even if you have to give up some of the extras to afford it....you're worth it right?

I know what you mean about the lack of Alanon mtgs. in some areas. I've found the same to be true of my area. But, you know you've always got us....that's what we're here for.

If his temper/anger/meltdowns are making you feel uncomfortable, leave for awhile. Go to the store, a friend's house, the library....just get away to give him time to calm down, and a more pleasant atmosphere for you to be in. I know that it can drag you down and be so draining when someone is always so negative or spewing anger all over the place. Maybe without an audience to listen, he might be more inclined to not vent his feelings in that particular way.

Bottom line, please don't lose sight of what you need to do for 'you', and come back and vent all you need to! I cringe to think how I would have gotten through with some things without this place.

Last edited by ICU; 03-06-2007 at 03:00 AM.
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Old 03-06-2007, 05:44 AM
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Why don't you suggest that tonight you will both go to a meeting....Sounds like you could both use one...Just remeber to take care of yourself...Don't panic and remeber you have no control over what he does....
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Old 03-06-2007, 06:05 AM
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((Sophia))

Just wanted to remind you of the three C's . . .

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

All that is going on in his head is NOT about you.

Hope that you are able to find a f2f meeting, read some literature, keep posting & please try to take good care of yourself.

One day at a Time,
Rita
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Old 03-06-2007, 06:46 AM
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((((Sophia)))

Isn't it awful to watch a train wreck about to happen and can't do a damn thing to stop it?

I would see all the signs of a relapse with my AH and knew that there was nothing I was going to do to stop it. Besides his need to find something to drink about and it didn't take much, it was hard to deal with his lack of self esteem.

My AH hasn't worked in years - except for 5 weeks in a temp position last year - and unfortunately was left a considerable amount of money from his dad and hasn't had to work. He's never really had to deal with his emotional shortcomings and will run out of money eventually and find himself in his late 50's with no employment history. It's like they purposely set themselves up for failure.

I feel your pain. Try to get to a meeting, talk to a priest, minister, doctor. Surely there is some kind of counseling available, even if it is in a group environment.

Take care of yourself (YOU!!!!!!)

Karen
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Old 03-06-2007, 08:29 AM
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The man reminds me of me at times.
I've been in recovery for a decade or so.

As long as he is communicating with you..it's a good thing.
We alki....live in our heads alot. We think a lot and the wheels
just be spin.

I'm quite most of the time and I do keep alot to myself.
So if I heppened to have a communication episode....it's a good thing.
As long as I don't drink no matter what.
I've lost faith in AA and everything many times..
From my ESH...it's a growing process.
And yes...hell might have to freeze over for me say I'm sorry.
it's not that I don't feel it in my heart....It just feels weird to say the word.lol

And if I'm in a zone....mama raised me right in some...things
If I don't have anything nice to say...I keep my mouth shut.

The issue of anger was confussing for me.
AA is blunt about anger.....NO anger.
So....on gose with old behaviors....I stuff my feelings
And eventually I'm a fire cracker at the very least.
It depend who you run into in AA that might be able to help a person through.
And it's also okay for him to seek outside of AA...AA is not a cure all.


My anger are deep rooted
There's layers and layers of issues I have to deal with or process.
99% of it dosen't have anything to do with current life situation.


Don't babi the man...but also give him some slack.

Don't tell him to work his program
Don't tell him to go to a meeting
Don't tell him to call his sponsor...it'll just add more fuel to te fire.
Don't tell him anything.

keep your boundaries , however

You know...let go and let god.

Basically when he has had enough of his own BS he'll come out of it.
Us Alki....we like to sit in our sheit sometimes....mmm becuase we like it.lol
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Old 03-06-2007, 08:56 AM
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Maybe his comments about drinking again are nothing more than his way of saying, "I'm having a bad day."

Keep the lines of communication open... try to be supportive and just listen. I think it is good that he is talking about his feelings to you. I wonder if he has an AA sponsor.

If a relapse happens, it happens... but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. He can come through it again, just like he did the first time.

Thinking of you.
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Old 03-06-2007, 09:03 AM
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Thanks so much to everyone for your replies - it does help.
I needed reminding of a lot of stuff you said.
Satit - your reply helped cos I cant understand the alcoholic, because I'm not one. I get frustrated with him cos I cant understan his thinking..things that seem logical for me to do he simply can, like look for a new job. I only ever gently suggest avenues - kinds of jobs he might apply for. I never ever interfer with his program, thats all his and none of my business. If he wants to work it or not its up to him, but its reassuring that you say stuff I hear him say about AA. He knows hes not supposed to have this anger but knowing about his childhood I can make guesses (not to him) where it comes from and hes never dealt with it. He doesnt have a sponsor cos he cant get along with thewm, he did in the early days but now he maybe thinks he doesnt need one, tho he has tried to sponsor others and be of service, but he falls out with people all the time, then gets more disillusioned.
I keep my mouth shut about all this, just listen.
He expresses his anger all the time because he feels he should be able to and will not be controlled/walked on by others. hes very paranoid.
Thanks again
sophia
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Old 03-06-2007, 09:06 AM
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((((Sophia))))

Take care of you...
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Old 03-06-2007, 09:13 AM
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(((Hugs to you)))) Just remember that you cannot control him or his actions, no matter how much you want to.

Please take care of yourself, and know you are never alone here.
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Old 03-06-2007, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Sophia57 View Post
I think I still love him, I'm so overwhelmed i cant sort out my own feelings and I cant afford a counsellor at all.
Instead of focusing on whether he will relapse, I would take the time to consider this. Counseling does not have to be expensive, though you say you have pleaded with HIM to go to one - why would the money be available for him and not you? I lost myself in the alcoholic. I am not saying you can't be a source of support for him, but what about you?

Take care. ((()))
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Old 03-06-2007, 01:44 PM
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Counselling here is very expensive - I suppose the fixer in me would take out a loan to send him to one if he would go, but I've been to counselling since I married him and found it hard to explain to different counsellors (i tried a few) what I was dealing with. They didnt understand the issues alcoholics struggled with and I spent a lot of money to little if any result.

I think Alanon is my only option...thank heavens its free.
He just had another blowup on the phone..I'm walking on eggshells and have to focus on me. I'm losing myself too, denny.
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Old 03-06-2007, 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Sophia57 View Post
I've been to counselling since I married him and found it hard to explain to different counsellors (i tried a few) what I was dealing with. They didnt understand the issues alcoholics struggled with and I spent a lot of money to little if any result.
Did they understand the issues YOU struggle with? Did you go to counseling hoping to get help for him? It's a reason I've heard many people give as to why they came to Al-Anon - to get help for the alcoholic. If that is your only resource, I highly recommend it. I truly believe you will more helpful to both of you if work on becoming healthy yourself first.

((()))
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Old 03-07-2007, 01:08 AM
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Denny, they didnt understand my issues really either..to them I was in a bad marriage and that's what they focussed on. Stuff they suggested we do simply wouldnt work with my husband - eg tell him to get a new job or get out.

Easier said than done, when he's full of fear.

I went to alanon for me (as I did with the counsellors) as I understand i cant help him, only myself. It was my own fault i got lazy and complacent and never had the nerve (or knew how) to ask for a sponsor. Is it ok to share at a meeting and actually say you're looking for a sponsor to help you?

Or do you wait to be approached by someone after a meeting...that never happened to me and most people left pretty quickly after, or just talked to those they knew. Maybe I didnt try hard enough to speak to people but I am a bit shy and felt very vulnerable. I only went for a few months.

Today my hub is talking wildly about selling our little house and moving abroad..running away in other words. We're in our early 50s, who on earth would employ us in a foreign country without the language?

I'm taking this as quacking? would I be right?
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Old 03-07-2007, 06:27 AM
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Most sponsors, I think, will tell you that YOU are in control of asking for a sponsor and working the program. It's YOU reaching out for help and most want a committed person to be their sponsee - at least that is my experience.

I know how you feel about meeting people after the meeting. When I first started going to Al-anon meetings, I, too, felt like an outsider. After 2 years, I can say that I have made a lot of good friends and acquantances (sp?) at my meetings.

As for a sponsor, listen to other's shares and see if any strike you as a having a connection with you or if they have some serious recovery themselves. Go up to them after the meeting and ask. I know this is a hard thing to do and it took me a good long time after asking 2 yrs ago and was gracefully declined as she already had too many sponsees.

You can also put it out there during your meeting that you are looking for a sponsor.

Good luck,

thoughts and prayers

Karen
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:23 AM
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It's perfectly okay to say at a meeting you are looking for a sponsor.

I'm not sure that he is quacking - geographics are common with alcoholics.

I understand what you are saying about the counselors. What was so hard for me at the beginning was to really listen. They weren't telling me what I wanted to hear, so I dismissed it. I spent many years insisting I was just missing that one little piece of advice that would allow me to do things my way.

Keep posting - getting it out really helps.

((()))
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:31 AM
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(((Sophia57)))
Maybe he is just going thru some mid-life crisis and is a little depressed, which is a little dangerous with a recovery alcoholic, it may set them up for a relapse. Think about what you said about him being 51, his job (and how he hates it), crises and problems, his 14 year old's mother, etc. That's a lot on someone's plate, especially for a recovery alcoholic. Maybe that's why he feels like "running away". I'm not going to say "sounds llike he's on his way to a relapse" because anything is or is not possible, but stick to your boundaries and try to work on you.
QT
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:48 AM
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He isn't a good problem solver is he, a much better problem maker for himself. Every single thing you mentioned that has him in such a state is stuff he created for himself. What do you do with someone who can't find their own way out of a wet paper bag? He's probably right, he is no asset to any job. Nice? Aren't they all when they are sober? That may be the worst part, the part that is nice. Too bad it isn't reliable. Just when you think nice is nice, he isn't. Hey , you know what? Life is no cake walk for any of us.
You haven't mentioned a single thing that anyone can fix but him and he refuses to get some advice or help with his problems. Things are probably going to get worse for him, why wouldn't they?
Alcoholics are like little children when they run away, they pack a bag, make a grand exit, and they are usually back before dinner or dark. Get yourself grounded. You can't do anything except stablize your own life.
Wouldn't we all like to run away?
Well, that isn't much advise is it? I'm sure you don't need for someone to restate what you already know.
When he makes "comments or statements", that upset you, I would make short factual statements in reply.
I have decided that my husband talks to me in a way that he wouldn't even talk to a stranger when he is drinking and I think I've figured out why.
I think I'm the only one he can hurt. Let me say that again. I am the only one who cares enough to be upset. He could call someone else names or rant to them and they'd tell him to shut up and sit down, F off. Power is power and reducing someone to a quivring heap is evidence that he has power. Pathetic but true I think.
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Old 03-07-2007, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by mallowcup View Post
I have decided that my husband talks to me in a way that he wouldn't even talk to a stranger when he is drinking and I think I've figured out why.

I think I'm the only one he can hurt. Let me say that again. I am the only one who cares enough to be upset. He could call someone else names or rant to them and they'd tell him to shut up and sit down, F off. Power is power and reducing someone to a quivring heap is evidence that he has power. Pathetic but true I think.
Amen, Mallow. Once I started saying sit down along with everyone else, I got my life back.
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Old 03-07-2007, 11:28 AM
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Hello.

A little bit about anger.

I believe AA proposes not that we can avoid anger; but that we handle "appropriate" anger responsibly. The Big Book says we are literally "burned up" inside.

It also teaches that we not judge, attack, or retaliate. We deal with our own "inside job". And try in the meantime to not create more chaos to deal with later.

{It} says "the grouch and the brainstorm are not for us" and will eventually be used as an alibi to pick up a drink.

I believe that inappropriate anger comes from fear and rage is used to control others, to get them to do what you want them to do.

I had a talk with my mother recently and she cried and said I was so much better now than I was nine moths ago.
She said "You were always angry and saying how angry you were". I was using then and honestly have no memory of this. I thought I was zipping around happily.
tweaking on my pills and gambling for 2 or 3 days straight.

Many times,(or all), the active alcoholic/addict has no concept or recall of their actions, and pronbably none of their feelings.

Altered states.

Hope this helped someone today. It helped me to remember the damage and rely on God's grace to be kind and useful in someway to someone today.

Love,

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