golden4life

Well, my AB, who I "separated from" 1 week and 1 day ago (with the ultimatum that he go to an AA meeting, and then we can talk) spent all weekend drunk. He spent all last night throwing up in the toilet, left his dog in the yard in the rain all night and couldn't find her this morning (she came back later), and went to work with a spinning head, finally decided to go to a meeting tonight. He called to let me know, and then asked if I would come home to talk later tonight. I said I would (honoring my original ultimatum).

Over the past week I have done a lot of thinking about what it would take for me to feel comfortable with continuing our relationship. For the first time, I have my standards, and those standards revolve arond what I NEED and WANT. It basically boiled down to my perception of "recovery".

I decided that he needed to be receptive to the fact that I too need to recover, that my life isn't about his disease, and that he needs to be as patient with me as I have been with him.

I decided that he would need to attend AA everyday until he found a sponsor (and that he should get a sponsor within 2 weeks). And, after he found a sponsor he should attend as often as he and his sponsor agreed was right for his sobriety.

I decided we needed to discuss his "friends", who knew he was attending AA during the summer, and didn't seem to give a rats a** that he was drinking in front of them.

I decided that I had to continue to visit this forum, look at Al-anon, and pursue my own interests.

So...he called on his way to the meeting. He was in a positive frame of mind, excited about going, etc. He has been this way a few times before. I started to feel out what we would discuss tonight after his meeting, and he said "Honestly, I don't want to get into a long drawn out conversation tonight".

My gut clenched...familiar territory. I wasn't going to do what I used to do which was to be happy he was going to a meeting and ignore my desire to talk.

So..I told him it was important to me that we do talk. His response, "okay, what do you want to talk about?".

I told him I thought he needed to attend AA everyday until he found a sponsor. His response, "well, i just told you I was going to one on Thursday...I feel like you're being demanding and aren't supporting my going to a meeting..."

I told him it was great that he was going to a meeting, but that I didn't feel a lot of assurance regarding his committment to sobriety, especially considering he was objecting to attending AA tomorrow. I told him that I wasn't comfortable coming home...that I needed more assurance. His response, "I respect that you need space and time. You have every right to request more assurance, but I don't appreciate the threat. I don't want a flippy-floppy girlfriend"

I tried to articulate myself further, until he explained that he was "getting frustrated with the conversation and having trouble being receptive". I told him to call me later if he was interested in listening to me, that I had been patient with him on several occasions, and that I deserved the same.

I am so tired of getting excited at him taking one step forward because he has always taken at least one step back afterwards. I was glad he went to a meeting, but I wasn't excited like I used to be. My gut tells me that he STILL doesn't get the gravity of sobriety. He just doesn't get the committment required, and he certainly doesn't appear to be concerned with my need for assurance of that committment. He doesn't hear how contradicting he is when in one converstation he says he "never wants to hurt me", "wants me to come home", and "wants to be sober", and in the next conversation he gets frustrated about listening to my feelings and concerns, objects to the actions that would make me want to come home, and gets upset about the ridiculous notion of attending AA daily.

For a brief minute I felt guilty for not vibrantly supporting this person, who I supposidly care about, in his quest for sobriety. Boy am I glad I wrote this out because it is clear that he is STILL not in that "quest for sobriety", at least not to the extent that I need him to be...and that's what is important for me right now. I guess I seek a little bit of solace in the fact that by not giving into his luke warm pursuit of sobriety, I am not enabling him...and, I am still sticking to my guns.