Well some of it is love for him, but some is love for yourself that you thought was gone. You've exhausted yourself on the dreams every bride has.
the thing is, wherever that pain comes from, could possibly have hurt more to have tried sobriety?
Is it love or the death of something that you feel?
In some ways it is like watching someone die slowly for so long that you just put a pillow over the face of it to end it once and for all.
We wait for them to do it on theri own. we wait for them to get sick and get that wake up call, we argue and fight about it, then we even resign ourslves to it.
They can't even just drink and leave us alone, they have to be mean and unproductive, they become dependent on us to feed the demon we hate.
We come to know what pure and total mental and physical exhaution is.
Everything is heightened when you are exhausted. Chemo will make you sick too, but it's what will save you. That's something to think aobut next week, not today.
Draw a hot bath, get some comfy pajamas and after a long hot soak, go to bed and dream awhile.
Too many decisions have been made on a foundation of exhaustion.
Someone in recovery who backslides is one thing, someone who would make more of an effort to leave than to stay, is just reaping the harvest of the seed they planted.
Who has asked for 100% success? We just ask that they try and if they fail, pick themself up and try again. Just like they expect us to.