Sad day for me

Old 02-25-2007, 10:41 AM
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Unhappy Sad day for me

My AH is looking for an apartment as I type. I am not okay. I thought I would be, but I am not. As I told him last night that he had to look for one today, I had no emotion. No tears. Nothing. This morning, when I reiterrated what he needed to do, still nothing. We talked just like things were normal. But when he actually started gathering his stuff and preparing to leave, I lost my composure.

I have been here before. We have been separated twice before now and each time it was SO hard to not call him as he drove away (after I asked him to leave) and beg him to come back. The sadness lasted for a few days and then slowly we adjusted. But this time is different. It will be final, as we will be meeting with an attorney to discuss divorce.

I didn't think I loved him anymore, but I guess I was wrong. It shouldn't hurt this badly if I didn't love him, right? But I can't be with him anymore. His drinking hurts our family too bad and the instability is horrible for my children.

He understands and tells me that he knows I deserve better and how he wants me to be happy. "Be strong," he tells me.

We have been so unhappy for so long. I have been so unhappy. So why is it so hard to let go? Why does it suck so bad?
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Old 02-25-2007, 10:51 AM
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I understand your feelings as I am currently in the letting go stage, too. For the second time. Mine sobered up after I let him go back in 2005, so we decided to try again. Sadly, it hasn't worked and I have to let go again. It does suck. And it is the hardest thing I've ever done.

FWIW, I don't think it's letting go of the person that's hard. It's letting go of the person I hoped he was or would become. And all those dreams and plans I had for the future. It's extremely painful.

But, there is a silver lining. I get to create new dreams and plans. And I'm smarter now. I won't make them dependent on someone else. I create my own life from now on. That's very exciting.

Give yourself some time and don't feel bad for feeling bad. It's natural to mourn the loss of an important relationship. After a while you will have more good days than bad. Unfortunately, you have to go through the pain to get there. (((())))

L
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Old 02-25-2007, 10:53 AM
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This happened to me right after the For Sale sign went into the ground.
I was the one who initiated everything, too, but I was clinging to anything at that time. Again, trying to control the situation. We want to believe that each time will be different and he will change. I will always love my ex, but now I do it from afar where I am healing and taking care of my needs. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. I don't have any children with my exabf, but please know you are not alone!! Others will post, too in time.
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Old 02-25-2007, 11:10 AM
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I think we grieve not only the loss of our dreams and our future hopes, but the loss of the person we initially fell in love with. That's a huge loss to deal with. I'm going through this too and I have good days and bad. However, I was so worn down from the ever-increasing blame heaped on me for just about everything and anything that I decided I needed a better life for me.

We all have to grieve our losses, but on my not-so-good days I realize that the sadness will pass. The most pivotal moment for me came when I realized I really didn't mean much to him; at least not in the way I wanted to be acknowledged and respected. Nobody needs to be ground down under somone else's heel.

We no longer feel love because I think we are so numbed from all the chaos and abuse. Love is never enough for an A anyway. There's always something wrong with YOU no matter how hard you try to be perfect, smooth things over, and make things right.
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Old 02-25-2007, 11:19 AM
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Well some of it is love for him, but some is love for yourself that you thought was gone. You've exhausted yourself on the dreams every bride has.
the thing is, wherever that pain comes from, could possibly have hurt more to have tried sobriety?
Is it love or the death of something that you feel?
In some ways it is like watching someone die slowly for so long that you just put a pillow over the face of it to end it once and for all.
We wait for them to do it on theri own. we wait for them to get sick and get that wake up call, we argue and fight about it, then we even resign ourslves to it.
They can't even just drink and leave us alone, they have to be mean and unproductive, they become dependent on us to feed the demon we hate.
We come to know what pure and total mental and physical exhaution is.
Everything is heightened when you are exhausted. Chemo will make you sick too, but it's what will save you. That's something to think aobut next week, not today.
Draw a hot bath, get some comfy pajamas and after a long hot soak, go to bed and dream awhile.
Too many decisions have been made on a foundation of exhaustion.
Someone in recovery who backslides is one thing, someone who would make more of an effort to leave than to stay, is just reaping the harvest of the seed they planted.
Who has asked for 100% success? We just ask that they try and if they fail, pick themself up and try again. Just like they expect us to.
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Old 02-25-2007, 11:38 AM
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I know you are all right and it is so helpful to hear how you have all been where I am.

It is very much like mourning the death of my husband. I am mourning our relationship. I am mourning the person that I married and trying to convince myself that he isn't the person that I married 9 years ago.

His dad and stepmother really put things into perspective to me last week. How they feel, and I too, really, is that we are watching him die from a terminal illness. There's nothing that any of us can do to help. We are helpless. I refuse to believe that he is hopeless, but that is only for him to determine. I really feel that in the next couple of years, we will be burying him. He is 200 lbs overweight, has high blood pressure and diabetes as a result of his lifestyle, and is a raging A. For my children's sake, I hope that he finds a way to beat this. But I know that I can't sit here and have his disease in my face every day.
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Old 02-25-2007, 11:56 AM
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My story is a long one so I wont go into all of it.
But the one thing I have come to grips with is this.
You may always love them, you just can’t live with them.

When you accept that you will feel better.
Some relationships just can not be because of the actions of another.
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Old 02-25-2007, 12:32 PM
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Why is this so hard for me?????

My AH called and has found an apartment. He was on his way to his office to print off a pay stub that they require for the application process. He called to ask me if this is what I wanted. He said, "This is it. It's do or die time." He wasn't meaning to be a smart a**. He was simply stating that if he does this, it's it for us.

I asked him a couple of "what ifs." We live an hour away from where he works and I asked him what if he did what he has promised me and took the train to work and left his debit card and wallet here. Takes his lunch every day so that he has no need for money and no accessibility to it. He said that he would find another way and that wasn't a solution. I know that my even asking him that is the codie in me trying to fix him. And I know that he would find another way. He would borrow money from someone at work. That there should be enough for me to say, "Okay, then. You get an apartment b/c I can't deal with that." Right? Why is it so hard for me to get those words out?
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Old 02-25-2007, 01:14 PM
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In my experience, even bad relationships have to be mourned sometimes. It's a loss of what was once and what might've been.

You're going to be ok. We're here to support you no matter what.

Hugs to you!
~ghm
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Old 02-25-2007, 01:14 PM
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This is one of the reasons that I eventually stayed in my marriage -- I KNEW I would not be able to follow through with ending it.

In the very early days, we would go back and forth... back and forth. I'd kick him out, then take him back. I simply wasn't strong enough (or well enough) to follow through with the final decision. I loved him... in spite of the drinking.

This back and forth business was not working, nor was it healthy. It was a complete waste of time and energy. So... I put the decision on the back burner, got help for myself and found ways that I COULD stay in the marriage until I finally got strong enough to end it. To my surprise, I ended up finding a way to live with it. It was never my intention -- it just turned out that way. Today, he is working on his sobriety.

There have been some dark and hopeless times, but all in all, I've been pretty happy... in spite of the drinking. It was made easier for me, because my AH was not verbally or physically abusive -- he was a very functioning alcoholic (kept his job, did the chores/yard work). Everyone's situation is different, and only YOU can decide what's best for you.

I'm really sorry for your pain and know exactly how you feel. That final step is a doozie. I was never strong enough to take it. By the time I was, I no longer wanted to.
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Old 02-25-2007, 01:40 PM
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I asked him a couple of "what ifs." We live an hour away from where he works and I asked him what if he did what he has promised me and took the train to work and left his debit card and wallet here. Takes his lunch every day so that he has no need for money and no accessibility to it.
You're both are right...that's not a solution. That's trying to put a band-aid on a problem. It's a temporary fix and an attempt to control his drinking.

As for why you have to hurt so much if it's the right thing........
I know it seems like we have disconnected from them so much that it shouldn't hurt, but it's just not that way, is it? My friend told me that if I didn't have those very painful feelings, that she would be worried about me! She said if I had been able to walk away from my marriage with no emotion, there would be something wrong with me. It really is unpractical to think that we could just walk away with no pain, no doubts, laughing all the way. It is very hard. But you know what? It does get better. Waaaaaay better. Promise.

Today, I took a drive with my dog. We had the windows down, and his little ears were flapping in the wind, his nose in overdrive taking in all the smells. I'm a dork, I know it, but I yelled, "I am so happy to be alive!" I know that sounds weird, but it just felt right at that moment.

Best.
TG
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Old 02-25-2007, 02:26 PM
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"Grieving is an honest affirmation of the value of the original investment of energy. No grief, no true investment occurred." - James Hollis.

Endings simply cannot be without pain. You have many, many conflicting emotions...one of which is the fear of the unfamiliar and unknown. We grieve the loss of hope and dreams...that is natural. Detaching, even lovingly, is incredibly painful. Honour and allow your emotions....for they are normal. It would be abnormal if you did not feel pain and sadness.
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Old 02-25-2007, 02:40 PM
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I hope that someday I can get to that point TG...right now I know exactly what I will talks about...my mind is constantly going back and forth. But, nothing will work if I AM the only one trying to make it right while the other person sits back and continues his behavior...it will never change. Either I accept it or I leave it. But, I too wish so many times a day, that it would be like it was before...hang in there...you can do it!!
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Old 02-25-2007, 04:38 PM
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My AH is living at his mothers, he has been back everyday or called. I know I really like the peace with out him. My son is having a hard time not being with his DAD, I don't know what will happen but I am trying to take this time to reflect on me and what I need In this time of my life. I have not work for 8yrs and I know I need to find a job. He is still drinking like he was here though.
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Old 02-25-2007, 05:49 PM
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It gets better

Stay strong. You know in your heart that you don't want to live with an alcoholic. If you did, you wouldn't have initiated his moving out. And, just because you feel sad, it doesn't mean you aren't correct in your original thinking. I'm in a similiar spot, and perhaps my experience can help...

Last week I decided it was enough. My long-term AB wasn't a horrible person by any means, but living with an active alcoholic just isn't living. I packed a bag and I've been staying at my mom's. I told my AB that we could discuss the future of our relationship after he attended an AA meeting (he has been in and out of AA), and that I would be happy to come home when he was displaying what I consider to be active participation in his sobriety. It has been exactly one week today.

For a few days he drank and didn't call. I got more and more confident in my decision to leave; much like you. Then I had an evening where my mom wasn't around, I didn't have much to do, and he left a message about promising to go to AA. I felt weak and almost nastalgic about our past. But, I decided I was going to stick my ground. Boy am I glad I did. Those lonely, bored, sorrowful feelings passed. I actually felt better after enduring my evening of sadness because I made it through. I didn't burst into flames, time didn't stop, and the sun came up the next morning.

I realized the fear of not being with him was what was causing my sadness. For almost two years I've done EVERYTHING with him in mind, and the reality of removing him from the equation is daunting. Now I do the following when a "sad" moment starts to arise.

1. I try to imagine how I would look at a friend in my situation. I would most definately tell her that she should stop sacrificing her life for an alcoholic who won't seek help.

2. I stay busy.

3. Talk to someone other than him. Anyone but him. This forum, my mom, my dog, anyone.

4. I remember the times he peed on me when he was passed out drunk in bed. (something about being peed on that brings the reality of the situation to the surface)

Like everyone has said; it is okay to mourn the relationship. Hopefully you can get the point where the future is more exciting without him than with him (and by him I mean his active alcoholic self which is, of course, attached to his regular self). No matter how sad you may be now, there is nothing worse than that depressed feeling in the pit of your stomach you get when you have to face an active alcoholic everyday.
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Old 02-25-2007, 06:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Golden
4. I remember the times he peed on me when he was passed out drunk in bed. (something about being peed on that brings the reality of the situation to the surface)
Oh, Golden, I do the same thing. That is just the lowest of low to me, and when I remember couches that you didn't want to sit on anymore, spots on the floor I walked around, the off smell in the car, and yes, the biggest of all, wet sheets, I know I'm doing the right thing.
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Old 02-25-2007, 07:55 PM
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I just want to thank you all for your insight and support. I know that the decision is right.

He is at a hotel again tonight. He asked me to call and talk to his dad and stepmom tonight and then to give him my final decision. He knew I was waivering in my decision and I can't decide if he wanted me to talk to them to get their support in staying or leaving. I talked to them. His dad was angry and disappointed. Not with me, but with him for messing up again. He has agreed to coach our son's baseball team and his dad is terrified that he will show up drunk to practice one day. It is a very real possibility.

He called me, drunk, from his hotel and asked if I talked to them. I told him yes and they supported whatever decision I would make. He hung up on me. What??? I called back and he said that he hung up b/c I wasn't talking fast enough. He was being such a jerk and this was probably the 4th time tonight he had hung up on me, for no reason. I told him that he should sign the lease tomorrow. He hung up on me again. I called him back and left him a message thanking him for making my decision easier.

I am going to wash all the laundry, making sure that once he comes to get the rest of his stuff, he can grab it and leave. And I will make sure that I am not here when he does that.

That's it. I guess all I needed was for him to act like the person that I have known for so long (an a**hole). I realize it was only so difficult today b/c he was being nice. As soon as he became drunk and showed his true colors, I remembered why I am doing what I am doing.
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Old 02-25-2007, 08:17 PM
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"That's it. I guess all I needed was for him to act like the person that I have known for so long (an a**hole). I realize it was only so difficult today b/c he was being nice. As soon as he became drunk and showed his true colors, I remembered why I am doing what I am doing."

Yep. That sure helps doesn't it?! Funny how they can suck us back in by showing just the tiniest hint of "their nice side". Then reality comes back to kick us in the butt!! That's probably our one saving grace--they can't keep up their little "act" for long!
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Old 02-25-2007, 08:21 PM
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just remember

If you feel like you're waivering, just remember...you shouldn't deal with his alcoholism (he should) AND you don't have to deal with is alcoholism (he does). Continue on your path to a healthy life. You most certainly have a lot to contribute to the world, and you're wasting your energy on someone who isn't putting it to good use.

Congrats on staying strong.
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