I truly understand you wanting your own home, but I also have to wonder if there is nothing available in the near area, is it possible to comfortably stay with your parents for awhile? It seems that you are giving so much to them and spending so much time with them that you're being near to them is a very high priority to you.
As this (like an apartment) would only be a temporary move, it would also maybe give you time to find what it is that you are looking for.
I don't know where you live, but if you purchase a home while still married to your A, couldn't that property became part of the marriage assets? This would concern me and be something I'd be making sure of before I purchased a home of my own.
You are truly being overwhelmed right now. And I know when that happens to me it's easy to get caught up in that pinball affect where my thoughts, emotions, and everything is just bouncing around inside my head. I've learned to repeat the Serenity Prayer often and give great thought to it, deciphering what I can't and can change, and moving on thing at time throughout the process.
Take one thing at a time - release the things you have no control over - and just focus on what you can do. That really in the whole thing is the only thing that you can do.
((())))