Self-Indulging pity party, sorry

Old 02-23-2007, 05:03 PM
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Self-Indulging pity party, sorry

This will likely make no sense as my mind is all over the place, pinging from one thought to the next unconnected thought like a pin-ball on steriods.

History:
I moved back into the marital home to be geographically closer to my folks afer my father's lymphoma diagnosis 8 months ago. (Yes, yes - stupid mistake! I know.) I wanted to be available for my parents on a moments notice, spend time helping them out, and just 'be there' with them. (They live 3 minutes away) My father was diagnosed with yet another primary cancer, prostate, in early July. (This, by the way, is his THIRD primary cancer diagnosis and it's been a constant, non-stop battle.) My father's health is declining....They've stopped the radiation treatment for the PC because he can't tolerate the side-effects. There's nothing they can do for him now. (And we're still not out of the woods with the lymphoma) I'm noticing lots of deterioration in him and am grieving, grieving, grieving.

I'm mad as hell at the doctors for seemingly giving up on my father when he's fought so long and so hard to get well. He's got so very many health issues, aside from the cancer, and I fear we're coming to the beginning of the end. My head and heart can hardly accept it.

In addition, I've been looking at homes in preparation for moving out. I'm really not *that* picky, but am looking for a place that feels like "home", a house I actually WANT to go home to at the end of the day, a haven from the stressors of every day life --- you get the idea, and I'm struggling to find a home that offers what I want. I'm willing to 'settle' for one in particular (I think) but keep looking just in case something better is out there (with no success). I HATE the idea of merely settling. It's something I've done all my married life and I'm tired of that.

I'm having great difficulty focusing on much of anything lately, including my new job or my house-search. I'm just not functioning well...

I'm angry with my AH for not EVER arresting his "disease", and am infuriated with myself for staying in this God-forsaken farce of a so-called "marriage" for two decades. Here I am desperately trying to find somewhere to live while equally trying to find a cure for my father's cancer, and in the midst of it, dealing with a very SICK-in-the-head alcoholic! Were it not for AH, I wouldn't be tasked with trying to move and having to carefully weigh my options so that I'm not left in financial ruin.

And it's the weekend....I dread those with AH. (He's working tonight but the next 48 hours will be long and difficult when he's around.) He makes life absolutely miserable on all spheres. And life....is already miserable enough.

OK, end of pity-party.....Guess I just needed the therapeutic value of writing this all out.

Thanks for listening...

~GodHelpMe
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Old 02-23-2007, 06:01 PM
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Why do you have to go? You're close to your parents, you already have a home. Why can't he go? (I know I don't know the whole story, but there's always choices, right?)

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Old 02-23-2007, 07:48 PM
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I agree with LTD; another choice might be get an apartment for now so you're not faced with the decision of choosing another house. Make it temporary?

I'm sorry for all you are going through. I went through it with my father, and I know how stressful it can be.

((()))
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Old 02-24-2007, 12:41 AM
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When I'm overwhelmed with everything going on, my mind jumps all over the place too. Sometimes it's hard to stay focused.

You have a lot on your plate right now. What you are experiencing, in my opinion, is normal.

Denny had a good idea about getting an apt. for now. I know that the complex I live in does yearly leases, but also does month by month leases (although the rent is a bit higher in those cases). But that might be the best option for you right now. It's something you might want to look into. When life gets tough, it's important for 'home' to be a safe, quiet, stress-free place.

And it's good to vent, so keep coming back, ok?
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Old 02-24-2007, 03:28 AM
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I understand.Thank you for being open and honset.about where you are at today.
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Old 02-24-2007, 03:45 AM
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He won't move out. Oh, he's said he would - many times...but he doesn't, and he won't. I'm conceding to him, again. And it's for the best I suppose. Even though I love this house and our land, AH has let it go to ruin and it's more than I could manage, especially now with my father's health rapidly declining.

I did the apartment thing when I moved out the first time (endured the loss of my grandmother during that time - who was living with my folks to the end) and I was trying to care for her while assisting my folks (my father had been diagnosed with colorectal cancer at that time) and I just can't go back to that. It costs me a small fortune and I'm just now starting to recover financially so that I can afford to buy a place. And it was so too far away from my family who really needed me.

This time, I want to end the marriage, get all my things moved in one fell swoop and be done with everything. No more trips to the house for this item or that one left behind. No more "can't take that with me because there's no room in the apt.". I want a clean break once for all. No lose ends to tie up.

I want stability and having my own home I'm hoping will provide that a little on some level that apartment life didn't afford me.

Thanks for the suggestions though...and for reaching out to me. I woke up crying this morning...and it felt good to have a release.

ghm
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Old 02-24-2007, 06:17 AM
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(((HUGS))))..I hear your pain....((((HUGS)))))
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Old 02-24-2007, 08:04 AM
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I truly understand you wanting your own home, but I also have to wonder if there is nothing available in the near area, is it possible to comfortably stay with your parents for awhile? It seems that you are giving so much to them and spending so much time with them that you're being near to them is a very high priority to you.
As this (like an apartment) would only be a temporary move, it would also maybe give you time to find what it is that you are looking for.
I don't know where you live, but if you purchase a home while still married to your A, couldn't that property became part of the marriage assets? This would concern me and be something I'd be making sure of before I purchased a home of my own.

You are truly being overwhelmed right now. And I know when that happens to me it's easy to get caught up in that pinball affect where my thoughts, emotions, and everything is just bouncing around inside my head. I've learned to repeat the Serenity Prayer often and give great thought to it, deciphering what I can't and can change, and moving on thing at time throughout the process.
Take one thing at a time - release the things you have no control over - and just focus on what you can do. That really in the whole thing is the only thing that you can do.

((())))
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Old 02-24-2007, 09:16 AM
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When it rains it pours---I am sorry for your pain..It is enough to watch your Father without having to deal with the AH.I think you are very focused for someone who is going through all you are going through.Losing a parent is the hardest thing. I could say that you almost have to do the ''letting go"" with yout Dad as well--and it is so hard to do...I know. Sounds like they have done everything they can do at this point. Let his last days be peaceful with you--don't let your AH interfer with that if possible. When my Dad was dying I just stayed by his side for 2 days and talked about happy old memories and how much he meant to me...and he was not one who talked this way usually.He was in pain and I didnt let anyone touch that from the outside with their crazziness. My brother showed up drunk and I had him removed(never thought I could be that strong)My AS was also limited as to visitation...Worry about your Dad right now---let all the other crap go---it will still be waiting for you when this is over,,unfortunately...You sound like a very strong person--take care of you as well....I will be praying for you nad your Dad.....
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