Godhelpme

This will likely make no sense as my mind is all over the place, pinging from one thought to the next unconnected thought like a pin-ball on steriods.

History:
I moved back into the marital home to be geographically closer to my folks afer my father's lymphoma diagnosis 8 months ago. (Yes, yes - stupid mistake! I know.) I wanted to be available for my parents on a moments notice, spend time helping them out, and just 'be there' with them. (They live 3 minutes away) My father was diagnosed with yet another primary cancer, prostate, in early July. (This, by the way, is his THIRD primary cancer diagnosis and it's been a constant, non-stop battle.) My father's health is declining....They've stopped the radiation treatment for the PC because he can't tolerate the side-effects. There's nothing they can do for him now. (And we're still not out of the woods with the lymphoma) I'm noticing lots of deterioration in him and am grieving, grieving, grieving.

I'm mad as hell at the doctors for seemingly giving up on my father when he's fought so long and so hard to get well. He's got so very many health issues, aside from the cancer, and I fear we're coming to the beginning of the end. My head and heart can hardly accept it.

In addition, I've been looking at homes in preparation for moving out. I'm really not *that* picky, but am looking for a place that feels like "home", a house I actually WANT to go home to at the end of the day, a haven from the stressors of every day life --- you get the idea, and I'm struggling to find a home that offers what I want. I'm willing to 'settle' for one in particular (I think) but keep looking just in case something better is out there (with no success). I HATE the idea of merely settling. It's something I've done all my married life and I'm tired of that.

I'm having great difficulty focusing on much of anything lately, including my new job or my house-search. I'm just not functioning well...

I'm angry with my AH for not EVER arresting his "disease", and am infuriated with myself for staying in this God-forsaken farce of a so-called "marriage" for two decades. Here I am desperately trying to find somewhere to live while equally trying to find a cure for my father's cancer, and in the midst of it, dealing with a very SICK-in-the-head alcoholic! Were it not for AH, I wouldn't be tasked with trying to move and having to carefully weigh my options so that I'm not left in financial ruin.

And it's the weekend....I dread those with AH. (He's working tonight but the next 48 hours will be long and difficult when he's around.) He makes life absolutely miserable on all spheres. And life....is already miserable enough.

OK, end of pity-party.....Guess I just needed the therapeutic value of writing this all out.

Thanks for listening...

~GodHelpMe