eveningstar

i was really hoping to find a helpful, sincere forum to discuss things. i can tell that i will learn much from this place.

i have been with my fiance for just about a year now (a couple weeks shy). she is the love of my life. i knew early on that she had a problem with alcohol, but it wasn't inhibiting. her father is an alcoholic, and she has expressed many times how she doesn't want to end up like him.
the fights started getting bad. i have problems with guilt and shame from my past. and in my codependency (which i just learned about), i spend all my energy trying to appease her, trying to rationalize with her. it was exhausting. finally, she realized what she was doing to me, and there haven't been fights since last summer.

there have been times of "i'll quit" and times of "just a few drinks a week." after a while, i just couldn't trust her not to drink.

what i'm getting at is, i read the sticky threads for hours last night. i realized that even though the drinking isn't as bad as it could be, there is still damaging behaviour coming from both of us. she tries to put blame on me for being disappointed when she drinks. and i take it. i tell myself that it isn't my fault, i deny to her that i am disappointed. but i don't believe myself; i do take the blame. and she doesn't believe me either; she knows i'm disappointed.

i'm in those really early stages of realizing that it's not my problem. i can hope that she will change, but it's not my fault if she doesn't. right? although i only drink socially, i've made the decision to cut that out of me. i never really enjoyed to begin with. in my last relationship, even though i was miserable, i didn't drink; i just didn't like the way it made me feel. after being around a drinker, i started to more. started to feel like, when we went out, i had to drink because she did. that is now over.

the information here has been invaluble. i hope to learn lots more from you guys.

so, hi.

ali