eveningstar

i was really hoping to find a helpful, sincere forum to discuss things. i can tell that i will learn much from this place.

i have been with my fiance for just about a year now (a couple weeks shy). she is the love of my life. i knew early on that she had a problem with alcohol, but it wasn't inhibiting. her father is an alcoholic, and she has expressed many times how she doesn't want to end up like him.
the fights started getting bad. i have problems with guilt and shame from my past. and in my codependency (which i just learned about), i spend all my energy trying to appease her, trying to rationalize with her. it was exhausting. finally, she realized what she was doing to me, and there haven't been fights since last summer.

there have been times of "i'll quit" and times of "just a few drinks a week." after a while, i just couldn't trust her not to drink.

what i'm getting at is, i read the sticky threads for hours last night. i realized that even though the drinking isn't as bad as it could be, there is still damaging behaviour coming from both of us. she tries to put blame on me for being disappointed when she drinks. and i take it. i tell myself that it isn't my fault, i deny to her that i am disappointed. but i don't believe myself; i do take the blame. and she doesn't believe me either; she knows i'm disappointed.

i'm in those really early stages of realizing that it's not my problem. i can hope that she will change, but it's not my fault if she doesn't. right? although i only drink socially, i've made the decision to cut that out of me. i never really enjoyed to begin with. in my last relationship, even though i was miserable, i didn't drink; i just didn't like the way it made me feel. after being around a drinker, i started to more. started to feel like, when we went out, i had to drink because she did. that is now over.

the information here has been invaluble. i hope to learn lots more from you guys.

so, hi.

ali

newenglandgirl

Hi there eveningstar

Welcome to SR.

Good for you for realizing before you got married that there is a problem with your fiance's drinking.

I totally can relate to what you say about you drinking more when with your SO (significant other)...the same thing happened to me. I never really drank much before I met my AH. But it was so central in his life, and I just joined in for a while. Flash forward some years...I "woke up" to realize that he is an alcoholic...what a mess.

You should be disappointed, like you say you are. Geez, these people have really let us down, haven't they?

It is nice to meet you...and I hope you keep posting and reading!

SR has helped me so much through this tough time. So stick around!

Janitw

Hello Ali and welcome to SR....Hon I lived 22 years with an alcoholic and my XAH never quit drinking and never even slowed down for his family....like you I knew that he drank on occasion in the beginning then very shortly after we were married came all the dui's the jail time the bondsmen ect....so we moved away hoping it would do something for our situation...and of course it didnt. Sadly to say the man of my dreams eventually left me, his kids, our grandkids, home, our entire life....behind....and for what? The first female alcoholic on the bar stool next to him...he divorced me and married his hooch a mere 4 days after our divorce was final...what I am trying to tell you is this: The only loyalty that you can believe in is that her love for the booze is stronger than her love for you....trust me and others on here we have lived it and still are...I know that this post will hurt you to read but time tells everything and maybe just maybe she will put it down completely for you....I hope to read in the near future from you that she has entered into rehab..and this is no picknick either...mind you but it is something...and at this point in the game...something is better than nothing. Stay the course and be strong and if it gets too much for you...then walk away with the knowledge of the 3 C's.
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it...

You are only human as we all are and you have a big heart hun....dont let an alcoholic harden it ok.

Keep coming back here and read and read and read - knowledge and boundaries are the only things that work in a situation like ours...try it and become empowered.

Take care,
Janit

parentrecovers

welcome ali, nice to meet you! blessings, k

Crumbs

Welcome Ali, I have tried all of the same things that you have and have come to realize that no matter what I do-the behavior on their part remains the same. It really is not about you at all.

eveningstar

thank you so much for the warm welcome. i really didn't expect anything less from the wonderful people here.

i'm sort of short on words right now. in a year, it's gotten much better. but i don't deny that there is still a strong urge behind her drinking. i can only hope that my example of not drinking anymore will get through her head. if that won't, maybe my detatchment will. she's a very smart woman. but not smart enough to say goodbye to the one thing that really controls her. even if it's just a few beers a few days a week.

i can see the disease. me and my friends don't feel the need to drink. we choose to. and we choose to stop when we've had too much.

the detatchment will be so very hard. her drinking not affect me? i just don't see how. but i'll keep reading. and keep talking.

i have an older friend who is about 4 years sober and also in couseling for codependence with friends and family. maybe i'll give her a call.






oh, i talk all tough-like, sitting here with tears in my eyes. it hasn't gotten bad. i'm so afraid that it will.



thanks for being here,
alison

lilac

Hi ! Welcome to SR. You sure have found the right place!

I am glad that you see that there is/may be a problem before you are married.
I think I knew when I married my alcoholic husband that he had a problem, but just denied it to myself. Wish I wasn't in the mess I am now.

Have you been to al-anon? Keep reading and posting.

eveningstar

i haven't, but i've looked up the closest church that holds meetings. only 10 minutes away!

i have yet to get the courage. but i'll be moving to ohio in april, so i don't want to get too settled into a group, you know? we'll see.

thanks,
alison

lilac

I carried my little al-anon schedule around with me forever before I went to my first meeting. Then when I did go, I got there early and sat in the truck for awhile, "checking out" the people that were going in.

Your recovery is at your own pace, no one else's.

Cynay

Want to add my welcome to everyone elses... glad you found us hon.

Not much to add, I would also suggest doing some reading on the subject... there is a list of really good books up in the stickies. Under the Influence gave me a better idea of what this diseaseis...

I look forward to getting to know you.

free2be

I am also new but, feel as though I have been here forever. You have found a wonderful place. I have never experienced such a warm, understanding and non-judgemental community. Keep posting and keep reading.

kglast

hi - i am new too - and just broke my engagement. i so understand how you feel .keep coming.