Think it was the O'Doul's!?
Hate to admit you were all right, but I think the O'Doul's maybe got the best of me - at least that's partly what I'm blaming it on. Tomorrow would've been 30 days sober for me and I screwed up and bought some wine on Saturday. I'm trying to figure out what happened and have come up with two "excuses".
1. We just got custody of my 17 month old grandson a week ago Friday. We've gone from a quiet, beautiful home and the most perfect marriage you could possibly imagine, to a cranky, screaming child, clutter (which isn't a big deal) and a crabby husband. Mark has tinnitus (ringing of the ears) and the screeching coming from Jeremiah, (he's not old enough to talk so he screeches when he wants something) is turning him into an ogre. During the day yesterday, he shut himself in the truck shop. Last night he shut himself in the bedroom. In 9 years of marriage we've never even had an argument - this stress is killing me! All I want to do is cry and drink.
2. Maybe it's partly that "less than 0.5% alcohol" in the O'Doul's that's my problem (I know, I know - you all warned me). It's obviously not the taste since I bought wine, not beer. I don't know if I bought the wine because of stress or because of the little bit of alcohol in the near beer. I guess it doesn't matter - the point is, I bought it.
I didn't go overboard drinking or anything. I wanted to, but I hated the way it made me feel. But did I dump it down the drain? - hell, no.
You never know how much you might need, so I bought a box of red and a box of white. It made me feel awful, so I'd drink a glass of wine and then a HUGE glass of club soda, then a glass of wine, then a HUGE glass of club soda - you get the picture. Didnt' even get a buzz, but couldn't seem to stop. When I'm finished with this post, the box of red is going down the drain - don't even like the stuff anymore. Still convincing myself on the box of white.
I've always taken great pride in my will power, but where alcohol is concerned, it's just not what it should be. So, I'm terribly ashamed. Let's see, I quit in July, started again (when was it, October, maybe), then tried Antabuse and made it close to 60 days, then tried it without Antabuse and made it 28 days, and now, here I go again. What the _____! I considered not telling anyone I'd drank and just faking it. Decided that wasn't the way to get help and encouragement. So, here I am, admitting another failure and wondering what's next.