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Think it was the O'Doul's!?

Old 02-19-2007, 04:42 AM
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Think it was the O'Doul's!?

Hate to admit you were all right, but I think the O'Doul's maybe got the best of me - at least that's partly what I'm blaming it on. Tomorrow would've been 30 days sober for me and I screwed up and bought some wine on Saturday. I'm trying to figure out what happened and have come up with two "excuses".

1. We just got custody of my 17 month old grandson a week ago Friday. We've gone from a quiet, beautiful home and the most perfect marriage you could possibly imagine, to a cranky, screaming child, clutter (which isn't a big deal) and a crabby husband. Mark has tinnitus (ringing of the ears) and the screeching coming from Jeremiah, (he's not old enough to talk so he screeches when he wants something) is turning him into an ogre. During the day yesterday, he shut himself in the truck shop. Last night he shut himself in the bedroom. In 9 years of marriage we've never even had an argument - this stress is killing me! All I want to do is cry and drink.

2. Maybe it's partly that "less than 0.5% alcohol" in the O'Doul's that's my problem (I know, I know - you all warned me). It's obviously not the taste since I bought wine, not beer. I don't know if I bought the wine because of stress or because of the little bit of alcohol in the near beer. I guess it doesn't matter - the point is, I bought it.

I didn't go overboard drinking or anything. I wanted to, but I hated the way it made me feel. But did I dump it down the drain? - hell, no.

You never know how much you might need, so I bought a box of red and a box of white. It made me feel awful, so I'd drink a glass of wine and then a HUGE glass of club soda, then a glass of wine, then a HUGE glass of club soda - you get the picture. Didnt' even get a buzz, but couldn't seem to stop. When I'm finished with this post, the box of red is going down the drain - don't even like the stuff anymore. Still convincing myself on the box of white.

I've always taken great pride in my will power, but where alcohol is concerned, it's just not what it should be. So, I'm terribly ashamed. Let's see, I quit in July, started again (when was it, October, maybe), then tried Antabuse and made it close to 60 days, then tried it without Antabuse and made it 28 days, and now, here I go again. What the _____! I considered not telling anyone I'd drank and just faking it. Decided that wasn't the way to get help and encouragement. So, here I am, admitting another failure and wondering what's next.
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Old 02-19-2007, 05:08 AM
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Imagine Sisyphus happy

Originally Posted by nanita View Post
So, here I am, admitting another failure and wondering what's next.

One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.

One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

ALBERT CAMUS

Try again. Full text of the quote at http://english.uindy.edu/english_331_docs/camus.htm
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Old 02-19-2007, 05:11 AM
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wondering what's next.
Another fresh start seems like a fine idea!

Hugs to you for taking in Jeremiah,
prayers for the 3 of you zinging out.
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Old 02-19-2007, 05:25 AM
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Nanita if you are like me, an alcoholc, I can not drink ANY alcohol safely. I am scared to death of relapsing as a result I am not willing to try anything with alcohol in it. In AA I have heard to many fellow alcoholics who went back out after consuming near beer, cough syrup, even one of those liquer (SP) candies, thinking that it couldn't hurt.... but being an alcoholic it did. Some of them went back out for years due to something as innocent as a near beer.

Nanita be thankful that you still want it, you may have fallen off of the horse, but you need to pour the rest of it out and get back on the horse, otherwise it will get tougher with every drink to regain sobriety. Get to a meeting, call someone, you have phone numbers now of folks you know will be there to help you. Heck they could even post here with you.
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Old 02-19-2007, 05:26 AM
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Hi Nanita, I ditto what carol said. Carol: "Another fresh start seems like a fine idea!"

Sounds like you do ok with the initial start, but then the continued sobriety is elusive to you...

What have you tryed to do for continued sobriety besides just not drinking?
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Old 02-19-2007, 05:44 AM
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I found that by not doing anything to not drink, there would always be a time when I wanted to drink more than I didn't want to.
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Old 02-19-2007, 06:30 AM
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Another fresh start is certainly a fine idea. So, here we go again! Good question, guys - what do I do for sobriety besides not drink? I read and spend a lot of time on SR. When we go on vacation in March, I will attend AA daily. I guess that's not enough, is it?

You know, I'd like to be able to tell my husband that when he wigs out about Jeremiah, it makes me want to drink. Unfortunately, that's not an option. My sobriety is more important to him than my grandson or anything else - he'd tell me to "get rid of the kid" if he felt it was a problem (and he'd mean it). The reason we have him is because my daughter is an alcoholic, and a crack and meth addict. Jeremiah's been in a foster home for 7 months because my daughter got a DUI with him in the car. If he'd been there much longer, he would have become a ward of the State. So - we agreed to take him until she gets clean and turns her life around enough to go to court and regain custody of him. We're realistic enough to know that might never happen, but we sure are hoping! We've given her six months to get it together and go to court - do you know how long six months (or longer) is? My God, it's forever!

Anyway, on with a new day and a new start. I dumped the wine and the O'Doul's.
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Old 02-19-2007, 06:45 AM
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Hi Nanita,

Your daughter is very fortunate that her folks took in her son. It sounds like the poor soul (Jeremiah) has been through a lot in his young life. I can't imagine how difficult it must be, but it warms my heart that he has a loving home now.
Please keep coming back. Today is a brand new day.

Rowan
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Old 02-19-2007, 06:54 AM
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dear nanita,

i bow to you for being honest with yourself. you are very wise, knowing that you need to reach out to us and have our support.

imagine what it would be like if you had some face to face people like us right where you live, and you could talk to them whenever your stress level rises? And, it will. Whether its the baby situation, your relationships or something unforseen, life is always bumpy and challenges our sense of security.

THe reason I asked you to imagine us being there in real form is that that is exactyly what the fellowship of AA has to offer you.

You can call them or look them up online and get their schedule. You can start today with 1 hour at a meeting. THe meeting can be one that allows kids, or it can be your sanctuary from the scene at home.

You can do this every day BEFORE your vacation, to strengthen the resolve and the new pattern in your mind.

And, you know you never need to drink that wine again, never need to wake up feeling remorseful or conflicted about alcohol, never need to feel so stressed out by your life again.

You are so close. Try getting some AA in you while you need it most.

I am definitely pulling for you and your family!
You have such a good heart to take in your grandson. Take the same care of yourself that you do of him.

Blessings to you!
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Old 02-19-2007, 09:32 AM
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misscommunicat - THANK YOU! You guys are all so great. I honestly don't know what I'd do without this site. I have to go to Laramie, WY on Wednesday - I think I'll attend my very first AA meeting while I'm there. Thanks for your understanding and encouragement. You know, I actually cried a little when I read the last couple of posts. It's great to know that someone I don't even know cares what's happening. This whole thing with a baby in the house full-time, at 56 years old, is quite a challenge. I appreciate everyone's support. Thank you!
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Old 02-19-2007, 09:56 AM
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Okay, I'm convinced - I need help. Since I posted my last message, about 15minutes ago, I've looked Laramie AA up on the internet and called someone there. They told me where to call to find childcare for my grandson, how to find the meeting, etc. I'm excited to go and have someone to talk to, face-to-face. I do think this will be invaluable to me. My husband is my biggest supporter, but he's really against AA. I think he pictures it as a bunch of drunk of old men, sitting around smoking and drinking coffee and he doesn't want me to go there. A friend of ours in Laramie is a recovering alcoholic and very involved in AA. I'm going to invite them up for dinner in about 10 days (they're out of town until then) and have him talk to my husband. I need to turn this thing around and get some help! Thanks again.
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Old 02-19-2007, 10:22 AM
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It is a little late now, but why didn't you just take the

:AR15firinstuff:uzi2: back and get your money back?

You should be able to take the rest back yet.
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Old 02-19-2007, 11:01 AM
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Hi nanita, well done to you for making that call to AA,its not an easy thing to do cold calling and reaching out for help.You realy do have a desire to stop drinking and that will help you in this recovery,just keep hold of the strength you found to make that call and use it along the way.I to phoned AA in desperation and at my first meeting was greeted like an old friend by the members,their warmth overwhelmed me.I found out for the first time that I wasn't alone in feeling trapped by alcohol,and in that room there were people just the same as me.There were some old men drinking coffee but they had the spark of life in there eyes not the battle weary eyes of drunks.
Take care of yourself till the meeting and try not to drink just for today!
chris
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Old 02-19-2007, 11:16 AM
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Hi Nanita,

Good for you for throwing the rest of the alcohol out. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Alcoholism is a chronic, relapsing disease. I've relapsed a thousand times.
We just have to pick ourselves up and realize it's a new day and there's nothing we can do about the past, but we can manage the here and now.

I know if I don't pick up that first drink, I can't pick up the tenth or twentieth.
I'm proud of you for calling AA. That's a huge step for you! I so hope the meeting goes well. Maybe it'll inspire me to go. I'm excited for you.

I hope the home situation calms down. That must be a tough one right now. But, you can make it through without drinking. What would a drink make better, anyway?

I'm pulling for you, and hang in there!

Paul
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Old 02-19-2007, 01:14 PM
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Good Luck, I Don't Think It Was the O'Doul's That Got You . . .

Since there's about the same amount of alcohol in a big glass of orange juice . . .

I am convinced, however--before the guns start going off--that what the O'Doul's represented to you was a big factor in starting drinking again . . .

There's a lifestyle that we fight so hard not to let go of . . . I think all of us early on "field test" our sobriety with various excursions back into the shadow world (at least I know I did); the critical difference is whether we test ourselves and our program or whether we experiment on whether we've suddenly developed that new "miracle of control" that will magically transform us back into social drinkers. Since this is a disease where we repeatedly encounter our own follies and attempts to "believe our own b***sh*t," those excursions (which are really part of our grieving processes) aren't without risk.

Twice in the last month, I've spent extended time in bars, and there were some emotional hangovers I didn't recognize until a day or two later. This despite having excellent reasons for being there with good friends in from out of town--and having another AA member with me on the first occasion as well. I nursed Virgin Marys both times (two at the second get-together), but the experiences were a little unsettling as much as I loved my friends and the connections . . .

Might be why I started hanging around this place, and I suppose I should give thanks to the Google God for showing it to me . . .

Last edited by concolor1; 02-19-2007 at 01:16 PM. Reason: fugged up again
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Old 02-19-2007, 02:08 PM
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What deep thoughts you made me have, concolor1. And they make a lot of sense. Paul, thanks - as always - for your caring support.

So - I've taken one additional step and arranged childcare in advance for my grandson on Wednesday. I know he'd be a big distraction for me and everyone else at that meeting. I'll have him at a daycare for 4 1/2 hours to allow me a little extra time for myself. Wishing it was Wednesday already.

Oh yeah - couldn't take the alcohol back - had opened every single thing I bought, except the near beer, which was no longer a full six pack. Ah, the lessons I'm learning!!
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