What was it that you lost?
Tyrant,
What was it that you lost when you decided to get clean? Did you lose good friends? Family? Job? Self respect? If anything you will gain so much more by staying clean. One day you will have true fun! Not fun that is masked by a pill or a bottle which by the way, brings false friends.
TRY not to analize to much. I understand where your at, been there, done that, and it did make me feel crazy and I did feel like withdrawal is torture! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just do not give up, OK?