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Day 17 No NORCO for me 10+ years

Old 02-17-2007, 05:35 PM
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Day 17 No NORCO for me 10+ years

hi

i don't know what to do? i worry if i am doing the right thing...things seem so different now...should i start my pills again or is this how i am supposed to feel. im on suboxne i think thats how you spell it the doctor also prescribed KLONOPIN so i havent started that klon stuff said to take that when i wanted to take the norco or vics or whatever i was bad...i think i have turned into a monster wait i know i turned into a monster...my friends are all on the meds...its a pill swamp adventure from hell...
we all are $ with cars and houses and stuff and now i am an outsider and i feel like well guys im sorry but i dont want to keep taking pills....well
i now know i have a couple maybe 2 friends that are happy for me....like high five sweet
i also have about 15 people girls and guys well they just are like blah to me know....hmmmm i didnt think the pills had that much control

all i know is i am very sad and alone in this huge house with yeah everything....
the pills made me just function but now i go back and look at papers and dates and stuff and messages and stuff and i ask WHO AM I?

my mom died a couple years ago
my dad was murdered a couple years ago
my dad left me the entire estate and HIS life....i lost MY LIFE
i have to take control over everything...
i am not happy
i would like to have my old life back....but now i am really afraid cause i dont think i can trust ANYONE.

is it normal to look at things different?

10 plus years of FUN FUN FUN FUN

oh the adventures so much fun...so much....

but i think now the 10 years of me doing pills was just a waste of time?

i just remember that there is alot of bad and i must beware i serious have no one to trust i dont even trust my accountant now that i think about it...i dont even know if i can trust you...

Last edited by Tyrant; 02-17-2007 at 05:38 PM. Reason: x
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Old 02-17-2007, 05:45 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

You made a good decision to stop using the drugs. I understand that you feel confused and unsure of who you are. When I stopped drinking I had no clue who I really was. I had to start to really look at myself and figure things out. I also had to make a lot of changes in what I did and who I spent time with. It comes down to choices. You know who will support you in your sober life and who won't.

This board is a good and safe place to come and there are lots of great people here who will support you.
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Old 02-17-2007, 05:52 PM
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=)
yes i feel safe yet...its just hard cause like i miss my old life...all my buddies are in vegas now...im like guys i need to grow up....i dont think they understand thats why i think i am crazy....i just know i feel so different...i feel good i feel great i just feel that i missed so much even when i look around things are like are these mine? is this mine? is this my suit? i this my car? im like excited about things that i didn't even know i had.....am i crazy?
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Old 02-17-2007, 06:06 PM
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its the energy factor right now to...im like so pulling myself up from the chair like telling me get up you have to do this fax you have to do this letter you need this im so isolated it is horrible...like damn i have to force myself to put a stamp on the envelope and its like i cant even billpay...cause that takes to much thought power....like doing this now im like typing and this is to much effort....tooo much effort to shift my car in 6th gear....i dont know how i am functioning with out the pills............................................. ....
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Old 02-17-2007, 06:28 PM
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Tyrant, it's understandable that your body and mind are still going through a lot of detoxing and adjusting. It's something that takes time for you to begin to feel 'normal' again. It will happen, but you have to hang in and be patient. You've had 10 years of numbing your feelings and now you are beginning to adjust to life without drugs. It's strange and scary. But, you can do it.
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Old 02-17-2007, 06:30 PM
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Numb

Welcome,

When using any mind altering substance our brains become NUMB to FEELINGS. Your addiction lasted ten years. Yes, you will feel lost because you are feeling overwhelmed just by FEELING. Feeling scared, alone, confused, sad, maybe angry, are feelings that have been numbed for a long time. It is normal to feel the way you do.

Now you can grow in sobriety and lots of folks are eager to help you. JUST keep coming here and you will be ok.
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Old 02-17-2007, 06:36 PM
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for sure its strange its different...let me tell you i am wild man...i have really honestly lived life on the edge for so long...ITS SO STRANGE confused is not the word to describe it...i am so happy that people will help me to get off this cause sure i could go on with the fun and parties....and the just FUN...i mean thats all i have done....pool parties ugh its sat night i normally this house would be like raging.....is this normal? i feel like just calling and saying PARTY and jump back to the old life....
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Old 02-17-2007, 06:41 PM
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It always comes down to choices.

Is that how you want to live the rest of your life?
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Old 02-17-2007, 06:50 PM
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hmmm....so what does that mean? i just want to be happy...i would like a family someday...i am so stable that i have people coming to me cause they are lonely...i look down upon them....i help everyone when it comes to whatever...i keep my enemies so close...closer then my friends...i watch them so i know what is happening...i live in a house with monitors showing me what is happening in my yard around my house and in my driveways....
why do people try so hard or want to get into my life...into my head...into my world....what is so special about me....that is what i was hiding from...i do not have magic powers to make all things good....people come to me and seek advice and support and guidance....i am done...i am finished with that i cant be everyones rock....i am done.....i am SO DONE...you think all this makes a person happy.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa i dont understand why people work....what are we working toward...i mean it would be great if everyone in the whole entire world would get along and work together....my world is this right now what i am thinking and what i am focusing on in the future...my life is great i just dont know why i must mask it.....i want to so bad take some vics or norcos or whatever i have them hidden....LOL hahahaha waiting for celebration...LOL hahahahaah hell what a joke im going to complete a 3 mil dollar project....hahahaha champange norcos and whatever....why am i doing this i really think i need to go to an inpatient treatment...thing.......i have to get out of these surroundings i think....hell its all in my mind i think i can handle it....i could just stay on this message board 24.7....

all i can say is don't take NORCos/// or vicodins or any of those pills...im not much of a drinker....i liked the pills so yummy...
i laugh at myself
what am i doing my head is coming out of my MIND........................if you only could see what i see
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Old 02-17-2007, 07:00 PM
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You sound completely overwhelmed Tyrant. Many of us have tried to be everything for everybody and I think we all find that it doesn't work. You don't have to continue to live like that. Why don't you take a break and go for a walk, just get out for a few minutes and try to relax.
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Old 02-17-2007, 07:16 PM
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i think i am going to watch a movie with the dogs and lay down...i would love to go for a walk...to much effort...i need to work it out in my head...i will be fine...but jeez little did i know these little pills could be so powerful....wow...i respect anyone that gets clean and stays clean i mean i know i am an addict one of the best....but that is not how i want to die.
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Old 02-17-2007, 07:41 PM
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no im going to think and read why i shouldnt just take some happy pills....this is HELL....
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Old 02-17-2007, 08:07 PM
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What was it that you lost?

Tyrant,

What was it that you lost when you decided to get clean? Did you lose good friends? Family? Job? Self respect? If anything you will gain so much more by staying clean. One day you will have true fun! Not fun that is masked by a pill or a bottle which by the way, brings false friends.

TRY not to analize to much. I understand where your at, been there, done that, and it did make me feel crazy and I did feel like withdrawal is torture! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just do not give up, OK?
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Old 02-17-2007, 08:33 PM
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what happen?

lol
what made me just want to stop...thats a good question
i have no one around me that isnt a YES person...so whatever i do is OK.
lose a job ha? im the boss....im the so called one that makes the choices...pays the bills worries about many things...it was all handed to me...i didnt work for ****....
i just told me a couple weeks ago.....i NEED to stop....STOP...what am i doing? i concentrate on my yard....i have a huge yard with a pool and so much stuff i said you know what im going to demo the whole yard and get clean from the fun pills that i miss so MUCH....i was bad
i had nitrous i had you name it i had it....
or have it....
listen my life is great but its a PARTY
everyone thinks its a party and it is i miss the jacuzzi filled fun nights of just crazy fun....i have to grow up....and i am on my own.....ALONe cause i have had a relationship for the last 16 years total...like always a girlfriend since i was 15 so now i have no girlfriend....ZERO i dont want one,,,,, sure they are worshiped and respected but i just need to work on me,.....
its all about ME right now.....and hell i am having a hard time...i just want to call some girls i know take some happy pills and cuddle on the couch...but you know i cant i have to stop before i kill myself//
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