ICU

I've been fortunate to run into some people from my past. One was my exb of 10 years (not my most recent ex, for that would NOT have been fortunate), and the other is the husband of a once close, but now distant friend.

The ex I ran into I've seen and talked with several times over the past year. Nothing romantic. Quite frankly, I used to think that I would always be in love with him and was very surprised when none of those feelings even entered my mind when I saw him again.

What I did see however, was how subtle of a controller he was, and still is. It's not my intent to take his inventory. Rather, the point is that I can 'see it now'. I see how subtle he is and to an untrained eye/ear, someone could be sucked into doing things 'his' way without even realizing it. I also see his arrogance now whereas before I just thought "wow...he's really intelligent". I see how it comes so easily to him to point out or make jokes of my previous short comings. I thought to myself, these things aren't even relevant now, you don't even know me anymore, so why even bring them up?

I was going to say I don't know what I ever saw in him, but that's not true. I saw all I was capable of seeing at the time. When I was with him, I wasn't 'ready', but was 'being readied' to learn some incredible lessons.

Onto my friend's husband....I ran into him quite by accident at a grocery store. He updated me on his life and I did the same. I don't know if it was his intention or not, but he really insulted me when he commented on just how long it took me to come to certain conclusions about my life. Anyway, if this conversation had happened years ago, I don't think I would have realized I had just been insulted. I realize it now though.

I think it's interesting how these people have been brought back into my life, however briefly, so that I can see where I was back then, and where I am now. I see how they fit the pattern of me allowing unacceptable behavior in my life. I know where it started (with my folks). I see how I was raised and what I was taught had allowed me to make unhealthy choices for my life. I picked people who had the same messages to share and who reflected my own self image back to me....that I am stupid, easily manipulated, controlled, and fooled, not worthy of being treated with respect....or love..... substandard!

I've also realized that like alcoholism, the poor choices I've made is also progressive. I didn't begin to see or question my life choices until I was in an abusive relationship with my exab. I did an awful lot of complaining and casting blame at others for it though. It's like what Oprah has said...at first God whispers messages to you, then they become a little louder, etc. If you still don't learn, then he shouts the message to you. I had to be shouted at I guess!

Am I angry? What would be the point? Who would be most deserving of my anger? ME! That's who....for no matter what happened to me, these people were still in my life, by MY choice (well, yeah, and their's too)!

Instead, I've decided that although I am grateful they were once a part of my life, the past is where they belong now. I wish them well, but I need to have more positive people in my life to enhance the direction I'm going in and how I now view myself.

Having said that, it still makes me feel like I'm being judgemental when I think that way, like I'm throwing people to the curb. I'm seeing the word "selfish" floating around in my brain. I feel like God is looking down at me saying "tsk, tsk, tsk.....would you want me to walk away from you"?

Obviously,my next step is to work on eliminating all the old diaglogue above....for that's all it really is....old diaglogue meant to keep me stagnant and undermine the new person I've begun changing into. As Joel Osteen once said...."Quit listening to the voices that are pulling you down".