I can see 'clearer' now because I've changed

Old 02-15-2007, 06:02 AM
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I can see 'clearer' now because I've changed

I've been fortunate to run into some people from my past. One was my exb of 10 years (not my most recent ex, for that would NOT have been fortunate), and the other is the husband of a once close, but now distant friend.

The ex I ran into I've seen and talked with several times over the past year. Nothing romantic. Quite frankly, I used to think that I would always be in love with him and was very surprised when none of those feelings even entered my mind when I saw him again.

What I did see however, was how subtle of a controller he was, and still is. It's not my intent to take his inventory. Rather, the point is that I can 'see it now'. I see how subtle he is and to an untrained eye/ear, someone could be sucked into doing things 'his' way without even realizing it. I also see his arrogance now whereas before I just thought "wow...he's really intelligent". I see how it comes so easily to him to point out or make jokes of my previous short comings. I thought to myself, these things aren't even relevant now, you don't even know me anymore, so why even bring them up?

I was going to say I don't know what I ever saw in him, but that's not true. I saw all I was capable of seeing at the time. When I was with him, I wasn't 'ready', but was 'being readied' to learn some incredible lessons.

Onto my friend's husband....I ran into him quite by accident at a grocery store. He updated me on his life and I did the same. I don't know if it was his intention or not, but he really insulted me when he commented on just how long it took me to come to certain conclusions about my life. Anyway, if this conversation had happened years ago, I don't think I would have realized I had just been insulted. I realize it now though.

I think it's interesting how these people have been brought back into my life, however briefly, so that I can see where I was back then, and where I am now. I see how they fit the pattern of me allowing unacceptable behavior in my life. I know where it started (with my folks). I see how I was raised and what I was taught had allowed me to make unhealthy choices for my life. I picked people who had the same messages to share and who reflected my own self image back to me....that I am stupid, easily manipulated, controlled, and fooled, not worthy of being treated with respect....or love..... substandard!

I've also realized that like alcoholism, the poor choices I've made is also progressive. I didn't begin to see or question my life choices until I was in an abusive relationship with my exab. I did an awful lot of complaining and casting blame at others for it though. It's like what Oprah has said...at first God whispers messages to you, then they become a little louder, etc. If you still don't learn, then he shouts the message to you. I had to be shouted at I guess!

Am I angry? What would be the point? Who would be most deserving of my anger? ME! That's who....for no matter what happened to me, these people were still in my life, by MY choice (well, yeah, and their's too)!

Instead, I've decided that although I am grateful they were once a part of my life, the past is where they belong now. I wish them well, but I need to have more positive people in my life to enhance the direction I'm going in and how I now view myself.

Having said that, it still makes me feel like I'm being judgemental when I think that way, like I'm throwing people to the curb. I'm seeing the word "selfish" floating around in my brain. I feel like God is looking down at me saying "tsk, tsk, tsk.....would you want me to walk away from you"?

Obviously,my next step is to work on eliminating all the old diaglogue above....for that's all it really is....old diaglogue meant to keep me stagnant and undermine the new person I've begun changing into. As Joel Osteen once said...."Quit listening to the voices that are pulling you down".

Last edited by ICU; 02-15-2007 at 06:17 AM.
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Old 02-15-2007, 08:57 AM
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One of the very best things that I ever did for myself was to get rid of the 'toxic' people in my life. Unfortunately, that included one of my oldest friends from grammar school no less, but she was filled with negativity and brought me way down when in fact all I needed was a lift. I now try to surround myself with positive influences -- it make life so much brighter ;-) Jo
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Old 02-15-2007, 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted by ICU View Post
Having said that, it still makes me feel like I'm being judgemental when I think that way, like I'm throwing people to the curb. I'm seeing the word "selfish" floating around in my brain. I feel like God is looking down at me saying "tsk, tsk, tsk.....would you want me to walk away from you"?
That's why I'm glad I'm not god.

Great post, ICU. I just try to keep in mind that it isn't about them, it's about me. It isn't judgmental; it's making healthy choices for my own life. Thanks.
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Old 02-16-2007, 02:31 AM
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Care4UNJ, It's true what you say about toxic people and how they affect our lives. Although there is a certain amount of sadness when you have to let go of toxic people, it does make one's life much brighter in the long run.

Denny, good point! That's part of my new dialogue I try to have with myself.

Interestinly enough, I didn't really come to these conclusions about how other people's traits affected me until I saw those same qualities within myself. Looking back I can now see that I too was negative, judgemental, always had opinions about other people's shortcomings, how they 'should' and 'shouldn't' be doing things, and how they fell short of my 'expectations', etc. I learned that I had my own arrogance to deal with. THAT was a bitter but necessary pill for me to swallow.

It wasn't until I stepped away from them all of them and started treating myself with gentleness, compassion, and respect that I learned I was deserving of better treatment. But I had to learn to do it for myself first and as a result, I've also learned how to treat other people that are in my life better and more fairly.

I also think that these people in my past were reintroduced into my life so I could practice not tolerating unacceptable behavior from people I already know, so that I can better evaluate new people that may come along in the future. I'm hoping I'll be more selective and read any red flags that may be presented along the way.

This self-discovery stuff sure takes a long time to sift through and re-evaluate, but it's so worth it. I wouldn't go back to the person I used to be and the life I used to have for anything!
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Old 02-16-2007, 04:55 AM
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icu....your post was so full of growth, insight, and awe.

thank you so much for sharing this....i know it helped me.

like you, i had also become so accustomed to accepting insults as part of everyday conversations....and at times would be sure to be the first to insult myself to get it out of the way, so the other person would'nt say it.

i still have a long way to go, but i sure am glad that i'm not where i used to be.

again, thanks for sharing.....you put into words what i felt about some things but was not able to organize well enough to see them in writing.

love to you
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Old 02-16-2007, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by ICU View Post
This self-discovery stuff sure takes a long time to sift through and re-evaluate, but it's so worth it. I wouldn't go back to the person I used to be and the life I used to have for anything!
It is SO worth it. I just had this discussion in therapy yesterday. My radar on "toxic" for me people is so attuned now. I don't question myself on it because for the most part I like everyone I meet. When the alarm bells go off over someone, I pay attention to them and carry on.

I so agree with the arrogance thing - that pill really, really, hurt going down.
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Old 02-16-2007, 09:45 AM
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I like what you said about God whispering at first to you, then yelling.

He starts out throwing sand and pebbles at me, then a big 'ole boulder.

Silly me has usually just crawled out from under the boulder, shook my head off, and went back .....

Thanks for the post, I needed it !
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Old 02-17-2007, 01:47 AM
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Thanks Jeri. I'm glad if my sharing might have helped you in some way.

'Toxic Radar'....Hmmmm....I like that Denny. I wonder if that's as good as, if not better than 'alcoholic radar'? It has to be better, right?

Lilac, LOL, we've all done that too so don't beat yourself up! Awareness that you're doing it is the key! Sounds like you're aware!
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Old 02-17-2007, 10:02 AM
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Awesome post, ICU, thank you for the honesty. My growth has been like what you described. Always learning _after_ I get hit by the boulder. I'm getting better at listening for the pebbles, such as this post of yours. You have shared how you listened for the pebbles and heard them in these people from your past. Now I can learn from your example.

thanx again.

Mike
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Old 02-17-2007, 10:14 AM
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I have one friend left from my past life. Sad, in a way that only one has made it with me from my teen years.
Many years, XAH told me that I treated this friend like crap, as though I thought I was better than her! I was shocked! I even asked her about it, to which she said that wasn't true. I'd like to believe that it's not true and that XAH was just jealous of our friendship or something, but it did make me more aware of how I treated people.
In that, I also went through a phase after XAH and I seperated where I realized that I acted out alot towards people in the way that 1) xah treated me and 2) How I'd react to XAH. It depended on the situation, but I realized that in order to survive attacks, insults, etc, I'd learned to be quite attacking of another just like XAH had done to me.

But something I too realized some time back (a year or two ago?) was that I have changed my life in many ways. One of them being the people that I am friends with and associate with. I have people there that aren't miserable (alot of my old friends were in the same situation I was and were miserable like me). I have friends that enjoy life, are fun, and are dedicated to friendship. It's been a long journey in this realm of my life, but I"ve found that it's come with my own growth.

I too see Red Flags that I didn't see before. I see them early on and I retreat from them. When retreating doesn't work - I run! LOL.

Congrats ICU on this growth in your recovery. It's amazing what still keeps being revealed as we grow, isn't it? I'm glad that you are seeing so many new things now and moving on to a better life!
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