Hello,
Well I'm right where I need to be today!
NO COINCIDENCES!
My AH asked me to read that and the family afterwards. I have.
Right now I'm in a separation (going to Divorce) with my AH.
It's been three years since I found out he was using. As far as I knew, he was smoking pot and promised he would quit. Eventually he graduated to Meth, and cocaine.
I didn't just say "that's it." It took me 3 very long years to make a decision for myself and my little boy.
I gave him a million chances.....3 times I asked him leave and to go get help....I didn't give up and I hung onto hope that he would. I wanted nothing in this world more than to have my marriage work. And I was more than willing to stand by him in his recovery.
But he never was Recovering. Each time he would cry and say how sorry he was (I do believe he meant it at the time).
The first two times I let my guard down, wanting to believe that he really was serious about recovery this time.
The third time I asked him to leave...was the last.....My trust was gone.
Although I know how powerful Addiction is....It's hard for 'anyone' to swallow that when he was given so many chances to make a a choice between his wife and child or his addiction to Pot , Meth and Coke.....He chose his addiction over and over.
That's where I believe there's no black and white, clear-cut answer.
Only what's true for the individual.
It reminds me a something on page 88? of the AA step book.
It says something to the affect like this:
... defective relations seems to the cause of nearly all our woes...up to and including our alchoholism....
I translate that to....How we relate to people is most of our problem.
Our defects of character were always there before we drank or drugged.
Some are sicker than others.
My AH just got out of Rehab and he is meaner and uglier than he was before he went in.
Of course I'm angry. It's a natural God-given basic survival instinct.
I am angry because he left us with no heat, food or money and he is still trying to weasel out of giving me any money.
I'm angry because he hurt me ande he hurt my little boy.
I'm angry at all the lies he told me...
I'm angry at myself for believing them and for allowing myself to be fooled over and over again.
I'm angry because anger is a part of grief and I am grieving the loss of my dreams, my husband, my marriage, and soon to be... my home.
It's ok to be angry...it's what we do with it that matters.
I don't like to be angry, it's really against my Codie nature. So I do everything I can to deal with it or get out of it.
I try to use it as a motivater. I also say the serenity prayer. I pray for him and his recovery and I pray and pray until I mean it and the angers gone. It works!
I realize that he could care less whether I'm angry or not...he's not losing any sleep over it. Why should I? If he's constantly renting a room out in my head, it doesn't leave any room to to see the good things that 'are' happening in front of me.
Of course I do this all one day at a time. because when AH is around he says and does everything to push my buttons. I bite my tongue a thousand times...until he backs me into a corner.....then sometimes I just have to flip out.
I'm not a doormat either.
So I wouldn't blame anyone for leaving or not leaving. They are just doing what they believe is best for them at the time.
God Bless us all,
Thanks for being here,
Hugs, Iamunique