"To Wives"

Old 02-07-2007, 08:31 AM
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course, i guess that would depend upon who you would ask....lol
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Old 02-07-2007, 08:50 AM
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Jeri,
Yes I know what you mean and I am having a very difficult time admitting this to myself because I always thought that I was soooo strong willed. I noticed that my thought patterns mimmic my ex's in alot of ways...too many for me to count actually. And its when I let my mind go here that I suffer the greatest..I loved my husband so very much he was my entire life or so I thought. Betrayal and addiction is emotional death. But now even tho I still have alot of down time I read these posts and I realize just how sick our entire family became...and no one wants to admitt that to themselves do they? I know I didnt. But if I do what you do and thats use it to heal and move on and take it an hour by hour then sooner or later it just has to sink in...at least I sure hope so. Thanks.. I just have allllll these many many bad moments that I go through and I just thank the man upstairs that I have somewhere to bring it....I know I tax alot of you with my rantings and I will try not to do that...
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Old 02-07-2007, 08:58 AM
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janit....rantings are how i got throught it all, hon.....hells fire, don't ever be afraid to rant!!!! let's just hope that all of us here don't get the same bug up our arses at the same time to have to rant......there would be no one to help calm us down, we would go on a huge rampage, storm the streets and take no hostages!!! we could probably even hunt down osama bin laden with all the adrenalin and skills we would have.


so now, back to glass.....i want to thank you for sharing this, glass. i admire and respect your recovery. you sound wonderful.....and thanks for giving us here some insight into this addiction that has caused us so much pain, grief, and, above all else.....a chance for recovery within ourselves.
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Old 02-07-2007, 09:43 AM
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Glass, thanks for your post. I also respect and admire you for your recovery. My AH does not think he has a problem so the cycle continues for me, until I am well enough to break it.

I thank you for your insight into something that has broken the hearts of sooo many people. Bless you.
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Old 02-07-2007, 09:58 AM
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Sometimes I think it is important to remember what we have in common - that we have all shared life with an alcoholic/addict. While it's nice to hear I may get an amends from AH when and IF he ever chooses sobriety, it is not a given. All alcoholics, recovering or not, are not the same. It's another example of why my recovery has to be about me.

I also tend to agree with my therapist on this one - amends are more for the person giving them than those receiving them. If and when that day ever comes, I'll be grateful for his sake that AH has found sobriety, but I can't imagine it meaning more than that to me by then.

JMHO.

((()))
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Old 02-07-2007, 10:08 AM
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at first thought i reacted the same to amends, denny. my xh amends, to me, would serve him. for way too much damage has been done for me to accept that i could ever forget...forgive, maybe, but never forget.

then i thought of my children. i love them unconditionally. i don't think there is anything they could ever do that could kill my love for them and not want them back into my life.....that's because i could forgive and go on with them.

so then i think about my xh....why should my love for him be any different? why is it that i can erase him out of my life and say.....i can never go on with you. that is, of course, considering that he would get into recovery and have a spiritual awakening and psychic change.

why is it so much easier to rid ones self of a spouse or partner than their children, when we love them both so much?

it just gets too big for me, sometimes.
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Old 02-07-2007, 10:28 AM
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It isn't about forgiveness, forgetting, unconditional love, etc. for me. Honoring my god given life is what it is about. Loving someone and allowing them to control my life are two different concepts.

I personally have moved on from life with AH. Doesn't mean I didn't and don't love. Deeply.

I'm not sure who thinks it's easier to rid oneself of a spouse. It broke my heart. And now my heart is healing.
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Old 02-07-2007, 10:41 AM
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that's my point....about the deep love for our husbands. it's just as deep as for my children, but yet i rid him from my life because of his behaviors, yet i would not do the same to my children.

i can't imagine how this would effect me if it were my child being the addict, and i pray to god i never have to find out.

course, i would not let my children run roughshod over me, either, or try to control my life with the insanity of addiction.

i'm just thinking out loud here....trying to sort through some stuff.
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Old 02-07-2007, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
that's my point....about the deep love for our husbands. it's just as deep as for my children, but yet i rid him from my life because of his behaviors, yet i would not do the same to my children.

i can't imagine how this would effect me if it were my child being the addict, and i pray to god i never have to find out.

course, i would not let my children run roughshod over me, either, or try to control my life with the insanity of addiction.

i'm just thinking out loud here....trying to sort through some stuff.
'

Detaching does not mean to cease loving. Your children are not (and hopefully, will never be) poisonous to you. I'm sure we all know heartbreaking stories about mothers struggling with addict children..who will steal, lie and make lives generally miserable for their parents. There comes a time when all are counselled to close the door on the addicts' needs as a form of truly loving.

Geri..if your ex came back to you professing he wanted to be sober and was going into detox...would you close the door?
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Old 02-07-2007, 01:27 PM
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nuu....yes, i would close the door. he has been in at least 25-30 rehabs and half-way houses.
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Old 02-08-2007, 09:37 AM
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Denny - ditto here on that one.
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Old 02-08-2007, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Janitw View Post
Denny - ditto here on that one.
It's a process and nothing is easy about it, is it Janitw? I remember when you first came on the board you wrote a thread addressed to me. Scared the bejeebs out of me LOL. Sometimes we can feel we are stuck, but if we go back and see where we were we realize we are slowly healing.

((()))
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:05 AM
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Thanks for the info glass. In a way it gives me hope that my AH will someday realize what he has done. He is newly sober for now and I hope it will stay that way.
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:20 AM
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Glass - I became a member to say 'thank you' for your message. After 37 years of being married to my AH, I am throwing in the towel. Attending f2f Al Anon meetings saved me from myself.
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:26 AM
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Welcome Better_Now and glad you are finding fellowship in the rooms of Al-Anon
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:30 AM
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thank you Alera. Glad I found this site!
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:36 AM
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thanks soooo much. My AH is horrible and sometimes I am afraid of him. I know he loves me to no end and what you said about reading Ch. 8 in the big book is why I am sticking around....
AH has been for a 28 day recovery treatment center out of state and came home drinking more than ever and not working the program.
So what is keeping me with him???
Because I am just as sick as he is is the answer.
I'm not alone, that is why we are on this fourm but absolutely love to hear from folks like you to allow us to kick in that one day at a time ism!
thanks
missy xo
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
nuu....yes, i would close the door. he has been in at least 25-30 rehabs and half-way houses.

Oh....as Roseanna Roseanna Danna used to say...
"never mind".

Yike...I'd say slamming that door is perfectly feasible then. ( I'm very new to all this but love to spout off when given appropriate podium...tis the self seeking alkie in me ; )
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:53 AM
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Hello,
Well I'm right where I need to be today!
NO COINCIDENCES!
My AH asked me to read that and the family afterwards. I have.

Right now I'm in a separation (going to Divorce) with my AH.

It's been three years since I found out he was using. As far as I knew, he was smoking pot and promised he would quit. Eventually he graduated to Meth, and cocaine.

I didn't just say "that's it." It took me 3 very long years to make a decision for myself and my little boy.



I gave him a million chances.....3 times I asked him leave and to go get help....I didn't give up and I hung onto hope that he would. I wanted nothing in this world more than to have my marriage work. And I was more than willing to stand by him in his recovery.

But he never was Recovering. Each time he would cry and say how sorry he was (I do believe he meant it at the time).


The first two times I let my guard down, wanting to believe that he really was serious about recovery this time.

The third time I asked him to leave...was the last.....My trust was gone.

Although I know how powerful Addiction is....It's hard for 'anyone' to swallow that when he was given so many chances to make a a choice between his wife and child or his addiction to Pot , Meth and Coke.....He chose his addiction over and over.

That's where I believe there's no black and white, clear-cut answer.
Only what's true for the individual.

It reminds me a something on page 88? of the AA step book.
It says something to the affect like this:
... defective relations seems to the cause of nearly all our woes...up to and including our alchoholism....


I translate that to....How we relate to people is most of our problem.
Our defects of character were always there before we drank or drugged.

Some are sicker than others.

My AH just got out of Rehab and he is meaner and uglier than he was before he went in.


Of course I'm angry. It's a natural God-given basic survival instinct.
I am angry because he left us with no heat, food or money and he is still trying to weasel out of giving me any money.

I'm angry because he hurt me ande he hurt my little boy.
I'm angry at all the lies he told me...

I'm angry at myself for believing them and for allowing myself to be fooled over and over again.

I'm angry because anger is a part of grief and I am grieving the loss of my dreams, my husband, my marriage, and soon to be... my home.

It's ok to be angry...it's what we do with it that matters.
I don't like to be angry, it's really against my Codie nature. So I do everything I can to deal with it or get out of it.
I try to use it as a motivater. I also say the serenity prayer. I pray for him and his recovery and I pray and pray until I mean it and the angers gone. It works!
I realize that he could care less whether I'm angry or not...he's not losing any sleep over it. Why should I? If he's constantly renting a room out in my head, it doesn't leave any room to to see the good things that 'are' happening in front of me.

Of course I do this all one day at a time. because when AH is around he says and does everything to push my buttons. I bite my tongue a thousand times...until he backs me into a corner.....then sometimes I just have to flip out.

I'm not a doormat either.


So I wouldn't blame anyone for leaving or not leaving. They are just doing what they believe is best for them at the time.

God Bless us all,
Thanks for being here,
Hugs, Iamunique
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