I know exactly how you feel!
"My father died when I was very young. The problem is that I dealt with all this growing up by holding this fantasy of how much different it would have been if my father wasn't taken from me, how my mother wouldn't have been so sad and overwhelmed and what it would have felt like to be a family."
Fifty-four years ago my father died. I was two years old. I spent my life being scared because I felt like I had no one to stick up for me. What I didn't realize was that God, "as I understand him", would stick up for me anytime I asked him. What I couldn't comprehend was that God was my father too, that he would never leave me alone. All I had to do is reach out to Him and ask for help.
What I wanted the most but thought I could never have was the feeling of a father's arms around me, giving his little boy a hug. I spent years thinking that I was just a scared, little boy sitting in a corner with my blanket waiting for someone to give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay.
You may be thinking, "why's a 56 year old man writing this kind of stuff?" Well it's because in the 20+ years I've been sober, I haven't shut the door on the past. Why...because I can learn from my past and maybe help someone else.
When you've really had enough, when you finally decide that just because you're ****'s warm you don't have to sit in it, when you finally realize that the normal you've come to accept isn't normal at all, then and only then will you take the first step on the road to recovery.
God is waiting for you Carly. Take your Father's hand and let Him guide you. Get to an AA meeting and be as honest as you've been in writing your thoughts here.
Confusion is the friend of this disease, clarity is the enemy of this disease. Step through the doors of AA and see clearly what life can be like.
Ed W.